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Thought Thread – A Free Write, Sort Of

Thought Thread

Days like these I want to dye my hair purple, get a half sleeve tattoo and say, “fuck you.”

I’ll do it eventually. You’ll see.
Not that you care.

Sometimes I don’t care. I laugh when it’s not funny.

I am angry.
Partially.

At myself. At you. At the world.

I wish I wasn’t an enemy to myself 80% of the time.
My inner critic is off the charts. Stabbing me left and right.
Leaving me a bloody, wounded child.

That’s me being dramatic.

What in the living fuck do I have to complain about anyway?
There are people starving and going through real shit – and here I am, sitting in the comfort of my home sipping a glass of wine complaining about why I feel life has been a little less than kind to me.

What a joke.

Whatever.

I’ve been using the word “whatever” a lot in my writing lately.
Whatever that means.

I’ve come a long way in some ways.
I am proud of myself.
Not always.
But sometimes.

I love myself – sometimes.
I hate myself – most times.

It’s a terrible thing, you know? When you live as your own enemy.

Whatever.

I miss you. And you’re probably okay without me.
I’m okay without you too. But it was nice seeing your name pop up on my phone making me believe you cared.
Whatever.
I’ll just listen to sappy music and sip more wine until you finally fade away.

I don’t understand myself.
I hate what I’m doing but I keep doing it. Because the pain of staying hasn’t yet grown stronger than the pain of leaving…perhaps? That’s what they say, anyway.

I want flat abs, but I eat fried food and chocolate.
I often behave contrary to the results I want.
I get possessed by a side of myself that despite knowing better acts against good sense. Then I beat myself up about it.

I beat on myself all the time.
I’m always waiting outside for me at 3 o’clock. With a bat. And a taser. And 5 other friends.

I’ve been working on it, though.

Whatever.

 

I want to say more of what’s on my mind.
Be raw. Genuine.
Say fuck off more often to the people I just don’t care about.
Stop pretending.
But it’ll probably get me fired. Or excommunicated. Burned at the stake. Or all of the above.

So many of us are so goddamn sensitive.
Ya bunch of sissies.
Myself included sometimes.
Can’t handle an ounce of criticism and I’m all ready to jump off a cliff.

In the ever lasting words of Red Forman…
“dumbass.”

Sigh.

I give too many fucks.
I need to retract about 849598 fucks. Maybe that’ll stabilize me to the point of giving just enough fucks to not be too nice or too mean.

I used to think I was a good writer.
Now I sound like an idiot.

Whatever happened to the poetic side of me?
I haven’t written a poem in a while.

I like country music.

I wonder if this is really good-bye.
Why is there a tiny, little piece of me that thinks otherwise?

I don’t care.
I’ve listened to “Bored” by Billie Elish more times than I can count. On repeat.

I’ve listened to other songs too. And I’ve cried.
I cried because of you.
I cried because of my dissatisfaction with life.

I bought a pack of cigarettes.
I don’t consider myself a smoker.
But every now and then I will buy a pack.

There’s certainly a history of addiction in my family.
And a pervasive pattern of separation.

Guess I’m doomed.

Whatever.

I want to flow with the wind.
Be one with the stars.
Melt into the nothing.

There are moments where I am overtaken by bliss.
Everything is so perfect.

It’s temporary.

Everything is fucking temporary.
Like your morning embrace.
And the fleeting, gentle touch of your lips against mine.

Whatever.
I used to imagine going back in time quite often.
Now I find myself more intrigued with the future.

If I ever get cancer, I will not treat it. I’ll just watch myself die.

Moods are so transient.
I go from one extreme to another.
Then I swim in the in betweens.
I am all over.

How can I make long lasting decisions when my moods are not long lasting and ever changing?

666 is (was) the word count as I start this sentence.

I don’t know where I stand on the subject of God anymore.

I have a very complex idea about it all.

New year, new me, eh?
Fuck clichés.
They annoy me.
Not always.
Sometimes they speak volumes.

I need to be more open minded.
There are still things that bother me.
I think that if something is bothering me than I have not yet come to understand it. If I truly understand something, it shouldn’t bother me, unless I am being preferential.

I think it’s okay to have preferences, though. As long as we’re not spreading hate.

I prefer chocolate over vanilla ice cream. But I don’t have to spread hate against vanilla.

I also think it’s okay to spread hate – as long as we are in a simulated reality program that isn’t ultimately real and we are just having the experience of hate but not spreading hate in reality.

 

Whatever.

 

There’s more I wish to say.
But at the same time I am over it.

I want to be more okay with myself.
With who I am, what I believe and what I like.

I don’t want to dim myself because of you.
Fuck you.
Not in a mean way.

Sigh.

I am not a fixed being.
I am fluid.
I care.
I don’t care.

 

I can’t define myself or my feelings.
Every moment is too different from the next to say I am the same.

I wish I could pause the perfect frame.
At least the perfect frame in my universe while at the same time giving you space to define what’s perfect for your own goddamn self.
Fuck off.

Would I want to stay forever or leave?
What even is forever?
Too many questions with no answers.

It seems like life is about loss.
You lose everything in the end.
But what is the end?
The actual end.

Whatever.

Should I go back and make edits to this or leave it raw and completely vomited as is?

I’ll probably leave it.
(I’ve made some edits)

Who cares.
In a universe that appears to be so big, all of this is practically irrelevant.

I fight myself on my thoughts regarding relevancy and relativity. And it annoys me. Because it’s like one giant god forsaken Rubik’s cube that I can’t ever put together.
So I end up throwing it in a corner in a fit of rage.
Then I’ll pick it up again 2 months later after a drunken night in the city.

Right now I am annoyed.

And sad.
And a little excited.
And a little I’m missing you.

And a little okay.

Quite okay.
Quite alright.

Quite.
Quite the motha fuckin’ soup.

Wow.

How long have I rambled for?

Probably more than I’ll ever be proud of.

This is probably one of those posts I’ll scroll through and pretend it doesn’t exist because sometimes I become embarrassed of myself.
Probably because somewhere along the way I learned that it wasn’t okay to be me.

Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

Ugh.

Sometimes I want to SCREAM.

Scream so loud and pull my hair.

I’ve done it before.

I’ve done a lot before.

Though at the end of the day, I think I’m a pretty good person.
Like I wouldn’t be able to throw you in a fire knowing full well that I could when it’s all said and done type person.
But why?
Because I want to be perceived as good?
That’s another long topic I don’t care to elaborate on right now.
But my inclination is to think that it’s just fucking stupid to hurt others for my own gain. My inclination is to want to be just fucking dandy without anything or anyone having to do or be anything for my pleasure. I am my own pleasure.
Is that selfish?
I don’t fucking know.
Dammed if you do, dammed if you don’t.
There’s no winning.

Maybe I’m just love sick.
Am I craving your love or my own?

It’s hard to live dependent on externals.

I wouldn’t want to be alone.
I think it’d be nice to sleep hugging each other forever.
Dreaming all sorts of dreams yet knowing we are in actuality just eternally safe in each other’s arms.

BARF.

But fuck it, if I was alone it’d at least be nice to be my own friend.
Kind of like a kid with an imaginary buddy, ya know?

I think I am officially done elaborating on anything any further at this time.

If you’ve read this far, wow, I’m impressed.
I can barely stomach it myself.

But then again I’m probably my biggest hater.
Isn’t that weird?
When did I learn to be mean to my own self? Probably because of you.

Probably. But who knows?

WOW.

 

I think I’ll officially end with, “whatever.”
Because really, fuck it.

What…

ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Ramblings…

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities.
Don’t be afraid of experience, because
the more experience you have, the more
mature you become.”
― Osho

Ramblings

What’s there to talk about? The same old thing, the same old stories.
It’s not really “old” though when I really think about it. Every moment is so unique, decorated in its own way, in its own flavor.

I feel like I am going in circles. Chasing something I can’t even describe.
There is this empty feeling I can’t seem to fill.
It isn’t always there, but it’s there, nonetheless.

I want to be happy. Don’t we all? But there are moments where I’m simply not.
Maybe I am ungrateful. And truth is, at times I really am.
I am over trying to cover up the dark side of my self.
Yes. I lie. I cheat. I envy. I hate. I get jealous. I have negative thoughts.
But that’s not all of who I am.
There’s that childish, innocent side. The side that dreams of love, rainbows and peace.
The side that sees no wrong.

There’s also the in between side. Which is a little of everything. That’s who I really am. All of me.

What’s the point of all this I keep asking myself?
What should I live for?
Do I live to chase money so I can buy houses and cars and clothes that leave an impression on people? Regardless of what I do I’ll leave an impression.
What kind of impression do I want to leave? And do I want to impress you or me or a balance of both?
What kind of person do I want to become? What kind of feelings and experiences do I want to be having? How do I even begin to learn what is truly important to me and how not to live to impress others?

I have a hard time answering these questions because I have a long list of “shoulds” implanted in my brain.

According to whose “shoulds” should I live?

I allow too many people to take space in my head and influence my decisions. I feed energy to too many stories.

I also change a lot which makes it hard to even decide on any one thing.
So I am trying to boil it down to experiences and feelings rather than particular details.

Here’s a list:
I want to experience and feel:
Happiness
Pleasure
Peace
Contentment
Confidence
Trust
Fulfillment
Relax
Laughter
Love
Kindness
Belonging
Creativity

Here are some experiences and feelings I want less of:
Fear
Anxiety
Doom
Panic
Hate
Envy
Pity
Lack
Depression
Loneliness
Rush
Confusion

There’s probably a few more I can add to both the lists but this seems enough for starters.

So now that I’ve narrowed what I want to experience and feel more of… how am I going to go about my life to embrace more of those wants?

Good question.

*image credit to google images

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Answers

Sometimes in the dark of the night I wonder why I am here.

What is the point of all this?

Some say there is no point and life is what you make it. Well, how do I know that’s true?  And if you respond with, “you don’t” then clearly you’re not even trying.

Hypothesize with me. Dream with me.

Let’s find answers together in this magical maze.

 

 

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Breathe. Be Here. Be Present.

I think a lot. A lot.

I realize that most of my thinking hinders my ability to simply experience the beauty of the present moment. The sounds. The smells. The colors. The joy of being part of the eternal now.

My thoughts give rise to my emotions, which gives rise to more thoughts, and circles endlessly.
When I interrupt my thinking mind I feel peaceful. I don’t project myself into the future or wallow in my past or my fears.
Letting the thoughts just play like a song on a radio allows me to be the observer of the thoughts without identifying or giving them more energy to persist.

When I let my thoughts carry me away like the mighty waves of an ocean, I lose myself in my mind. I drown. I start to believe my limiting thoughts are my reality. I play and replay scenarios in my head. I remember the past. I rehearse for the future. I replay all my fears. I analyze. Overthink. I beat an idea down over and over until I am overwhelmed and uneasy.

Then I remember  I have a choice. I can either live in my head or live in the moment. Do I live in the mental stories or do I actually live? The stories make me feel good or make me feel bad, or something in between. The stories do not provide lasting peace as they are always changing, analyzing, criticizing, judging.

Regret. Fear. Anxiety. Love. Nostalgia. Guilt. Shame. Sadness. Pride. Creativity. My myriad of emotions. It’s all tossed in my head like a salad.

Then I chose to take a seat. I just sit there and watch the thoughts. I watch them until they are done rising and sinking. I let them ride but I don’t join. I actively interrupt the thoughts by commanding myself to “Be here. Be present.” I take deep breaths and focus on the feeling of the air filling my lungs and then releasing.

In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Be here.
Be present.

My mind becomes quiet. I am brought back to the present moment where everything is ok. The colors penetrate my eyes. The smells dance in my nostrils. The sounds tickle my ears. The air makes sweet love to my lungs. I am well. I am here. I am not identified with the stories in my head. I am not my memories. I am not projecting myself into the future. I am not trying to control. I am not trying to do more, be more, have more to prove some point to myself or the world. I just am. I just am this living being who is settled in peace, inner stillness and soothing joy.

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Abstract

It’s neither here, nor there. But it is, and isn’t at the same time.
Who knows? Who cares? I don’t. I do.
Sometimes. When. Here. There. Nowhere.
Grrrrrrrr….
Bliss.
Not now. YES. NOW. UGH!
Why me? I didn’t ask to be here.
Did I?

 

They. We. Us. Me. I. Them. Not them. We.

Love. Lust. Hate. Prejudice. Angry, angry, angry.

Spiral. Line. Circle. Triangle.
Numbers. Beautiful.

Ugh, I don’t even care anymore. But I do. What’s the point anyway?

Too much to process. Overwhelm.

I am calm. I can. I never could.

Am able. No. I am not. I am. Yes. NO. Okay, maybe.

Who is to blame? Me. Duh. No YOU. Them. US. No one. Everyone.

WHO CARES!?

I can’t tell you how I really feel because it’s mean. I don’t want to be mean.

 

I am mean, sometimes. Always. Never. FAIR.

 

They. We. I. When? FORGET IT.

 

Too many memories. Not enough process.

Process. WHO? Me. You. US. THEM.

 

Scream. Run. HIDE. SHOW, FOREVER.

Life. Death. Stupid people. So scared to be honest.

I am not strong enough to take them on.

I am scared to be weak.

I am powerful. Afraid.

PEACE.

Flowers. US. REBIRTH.

Follow your heart.

 

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Rumination

Rumination, (thinking deeply about the same thing over and over again) is helpful in the sense that it reminds you of some unresolved issue. However, rumination can be detrimental to your wellbeing because it inhibits you from letting go and healing. Picking at the same old wound will never allow it to heal. Replaying the same old story in your head will keep you stuck like a CD with a scratch on it. You can’t move forward and grow if your mind is stuck on what happened two years ago. Letting go of the story in your head will allow you to begin to unburden yourself and become free of limiting thoughts that keep causing you pain in the present moment.

It can be hard to let go of the story in our head when we have become so identified with it. It is like a little piece of us. We think something like, “I will never forget the mean comment Jane made about me.” And then you keep thinking about Jane and her comment over and over again because you have chosen to commit to the thought that “I will never forget the mean comment Jane made about me.”

Holding on to the mean comment Jane made about you is not in any way serving you in a positive manner. What good is it doing to your mind, body, heart and overall wellbeing? None.

Let go.

So how do we let go of our limiting thoughts?

Practice non-attachment. When a repetitive thought comes to your mind, don’t feed the thought. Don’t become identified with it. Allow it to just pass through you. The thought will die if you do not feed it further energy. If you let the thought pass through you like a cloud or the wind, it’ll just pass without affecting you. Recognize that you are not your thoughts – you have thoughts, but you are not the thoughts. You are the awareness of your thoughts. Use your awareness to shine light on repetitive thoughts and realize “Oh, hey, there goes that bad thought again. I will just let it pass because this thought is not who I am.”

You can also practice meditation, which is getting the mind to become totally still. It quiets the analytical voice that is always playing in your head. You don’t have to meditate for long periods at a time. Even 10 seconds can help you become still. Start small. Focus on your breath. Breathing deeply calms your heart rate and brings your body to a state of relaxation. You can do this anywhere at any time. We all have at least 10 seconds to dedicate to our wellbeing.

Practice affirming rituals that remind you of who you are. When repetitive thoughts arise, interrupt them with affirming thoughts like:

I am consciousness.
I am in control of my thoughts.
I let go of old limiting thoughts.
I let go of painful memories.
I release all that does not serve me.
I am free.

You can repeat that to yourself like a mantra as many times as necessary until your mind becomes refocused on the truth of who you really are! You are life itself. You are not a scratched CD. You are not a song on replay. You are not your memories. You have memories, but underneath those memories you are pure consciousness first.
May you find peace in letting go.

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Compilation of Small Reflections

And then you realize that things don’t always go the way you wish they would. And you learn that even though you want rainbows in your sky there seems to always be a storm to cloud your sunny day.

Some people overwhelm me.
Some people drain me.
Some people make me feel good.
Some people inspire me.
Some people annoy me.
That’s life.  If everyone made me feel the same, I wouldn’t ever learn anything different.

There is no need to argue the truth – the truth speaks for itself.

I am not the same person who started writing this…A second has passed, I am now a second greater.

All things have a breaking point.
So, in a sense, That means all things have some sort of vulnerability since nothing can withstand everything.

Nothing in this world of forms is forever. Even the thing you think is most guaranteed – like the light of the sun – one day will no longer be.
Place your hope not in what your eyes could see and your hands could touch. Place your hope in the eternal. That is where your treasure is.

Your viewpoint is valid.

Don’t want to go anywhere or do anything or be anything…. I hate living today. Why do I exist when I never asked to.

You are who you are and don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to feel guilty for feeling how you feel.

It doesn’t have to be one reason, it could be many reasons that all make up the ultimate reason.
Like a pie chart. One chart, many components.

I don’t know how I am supposed to know what I want to do when every day I feel different and want something different.  I am not the same every day, so how can I say what I want tomorrow when I can only know what I want today? I don’t know what I’ll want tomorrow.

It is Fear’s job to protect you of life’s dangers, so it’s only natural to feel afraid. Fear becomes a problem when your life is guided by it, keeping you stuck and blocking your intuitive heart. Find your balance. Feel when to go and when to stay.

Let me show you how beautiful you really are. Let me show you how perfect you are.
But I need you to trust me.
Give me your hand.
Don’t be afraid.

It’s the magic that happens when we look in each other’s eyes. It’s the feeling of forgetting the world because we are all that matter. It’s that childlike curiosity and the tingly feeling in your stomach. It’s that magnetic force that pulls us back together when it’s been too long.
And sometimes it’s the daunting fear that I will never see you again. But it’s always the hope that when I open my eyes, you will be standing right there again.

Life is a jungle and you were selected to explore it. Even with all the people around you, you’re the one who must ultimately walk your path.

You don’t want to hold on too tight to things. It’s all going to go, go, go. Sooner or later it’ll all go, go, go.

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Free Thought and Numbers

I see same digits every day without planning to. 1:11, 11:11, 12:12, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 10:10. These are the most common. Which is basically all of them. Except 5:55, which I think I see less of. I always feel happy when I see them. I hear some say that they are messages from the universe. Are they? I don’t know. I would really like it to be.

I don’t know how to really draw the line between what is truly real and what is man made mumbo jumbo. I wish I could know. I really do.

I have trouble at times feeling really confident in any one belief because I feel like everything is always changing. For example, if I believe in this X now, 1 second from now this X is not the same because it’s now one second old – it has changed (even if at a minuscule level) since its original time. So how can I become grounded in any one thing if all things are changing moment by moment?

I hate it. I hate that I get so confused by it all and that I just don’t know it all.

Some say that we should become satisfied with not knowing. Are we giving up by saying it’s enough not to know? If you could know, wouldn’t you want to? I would.
If I had a choice I would choose knowledge.
But that’s my personal choice.

But, of course, until then, I’ll just settle for not knowing. For wondering. For exploring.
For having enough, for now.

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THE PROCESS OF BECOMING

Who are you?
Answer: ___________________________

You might answer this question by telling me your name. Your age, cultural background, your social security number, and yada, yada, yada.

But see – that’s not really who you are. That’s information you have acquired from what the external world has determined for you.
You are the awareness of these things.
You are not your name, you are the awareness of your name.
You are not your age, you are the awareness of your age.
You are not your cultural background, you are the awareness of your cultural background.

Get the drift? I hope so.

“So what? So what if I am the awareness of that stuff?”

YAY! Great news, my friend!
Being awareness means that you get to choose your own reality!
It is up to YOU to decide what to accept or reject into your field of awareness.

So the process of becoming is simply asking yourself what are you aware of.
What thoughts are you aware of? Your own? Those imposed on you by others? A little bit of both?

If you realize that you have adopted the thoughts of others rather than your own, this isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t a good thing either. It just IS. This is how we grow – by exchanging ideas with one another.

Things are what they are – things ARE. PERIOD. Whether something is good or bad depends on the preference of the aware being.

So, for instance, the experience of eating chocolate ice cream may be good for me because to my awareness I experience something good from eating it. Someone else, however, may be eating from my chocolate ice cream cup yet have a distasteful experience because to their awareness they experience something bad from eating chocolate ice cream. There is nothing in the particles of chocolate ice cream itself that is coded with “goodness” or “badness” – these types of labeling are judgements of the experiencer based on the effect a particular thing has in combination to their particular being – to their awareness.

So what am I ultimately saying?
– Become YOU.

Do you like chocolate ice cream because YOU like chocolate ice cream or have you come to like chocolate ice cream because people might think you are cool if you eat chocolate ice cream?

Or fill it in this blank:
Do you like ___________ because YOU like _________ or do you like___________ because you believe X person(s) want you to like ___________?

Are you YOU because YOU take pleasure in who you are or are you YOU because of what you believe other people want you to be?
And maybe it’s a combination of both.
It isn’t bad to tag along with what others think is cool – that’s fine – we have words for that: admiration, inspiration, sharing, absorption, learning.
It only becomes a problem when you are not happy with yourself because you are not being true to who you are but are living a life that is decorated by what others want you to be.

When we seek to be what others want us to be, we are seeking approval.
We are seeking approval from others because we have failed to approve of ourselves just as we are. Somewhere along the way we adopted the awareness that “the way I am, as I am, is not good enough.”

Not good enough to whose awareness?

See, as long as to YOUR awareness you are enough, then no matter who tells you “YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH,” this statement will fall flat on its feet – it will have no power over you. It would be the same as a person telling me over and over “chocolate ice cream sucks.” This statement has no power over me because to MY awareness – CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM FUCKING ROCKS!

Be YOU Because YOU like it – whatever it is that you are. And if others like you too – AWESOME – if not, who cares? NOT YOU is all that matters. It is not for their awareness to decide what YOUR AWARENESS KNOWS TO BE TRUE FOR YOU.

YOUR AWARENESS IS ALL THE MATTERS.

Become YOU.
🙂 ❤

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