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Timing

I am trying to trust.

*Keyword*, trying.

I’ve freaked out in the past. I’ve worried in the past. And literally everything worked out somehow.

I want to be at step 53949 but I’m at step like 89.

And when I tune in to my hard little head the gentle whisper of the universe just says, “breathe.” “Patience.”

And I’m like, “What!? What do you mean breathe?? Patience?? Don’t you see I need this figured out or else I am doomed?”

There are days where I am so confident about it all. Days where it feels like “Duh. Obviously it’ll work out.” And days where I am like, “Guess I’ll just end up old, broke, and alone.”

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I’ve done a decent job at being fairly stupid. At having an opportunity to be more advanced in my career and finances than where I am now.

Then I rationalize that “Everything happens for a reason.” Or that “I am exactly where I am supposed to be.” Or “I’ve taken a detour so I can become who I was destined to be.”

Blah. Blah. Blah. All the bullshit I need to tell myself so that I don’t feel so horrible about my poor decisions.

Maybe I am too hard on myself. Or maybe I am not hard enough.

Honestly, sometimes I am just downright lazy.

And sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit.

Whatever.

I don’t want to make this another one of those posts where I just complain to you about everything.

When I stop with the tales of woe I can actually see the truth of how privileged and lucky I am.

I live in one of the most beautiful places in a privileged country. I have access to good, organic food and clean water. I have amazing, supportive friends. I have family who care for me. What the fuck do I have to complain about?

This post was supposed to be about timing, as you can see by the title above.

So let me touch upon that for a sec.

I exist. There is something rather than nothing. There is a force operating on the atoms within reality. This force is called time. Today, as we know it, is May 13th 2019. It’s 2:33 P.M in San Diego, California where I am currently existing. Out of all the possibilities in this possibly infinite universe I was made to exist here in this moment. And for what purpose? And to what end?

I don’t fucking know. To sit here and write this message, I guess. And maybe, possibly, to inspire the world.

 

*image credit to google images. Don’t sue me white dude for using your face, please.

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Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

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Pretzel

These are some of the best nights. Where my body is pretzeled into yours and the room is kissed by the gentle light of the glowing stars.

Moments like these I wish time could stop. Or move just a little slower.

But the alarm will ring. And we’ll unravel from the tangle we’ve become through the night’s rest.

And I’ll go on. And you’ll go on.

 

And that was that.

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Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

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Moments

There are moments in life that are more favorable than others.

Moments where I slowly open my eyes and unravel to my own rhythm. No rush to be anywhere. Do anything in particular.

There are those moments where I’m laughing. I’m with you. Life feels expansive. Filled with possibilities. The sun hugs my skin. I’m warmed. I can stay here forever. Mesmerized by the wide spread view of the ocean. I stare at it; you stare at me.

There are those moments when I smell the bold morning coffee brewing from my tiny kitchen. My bed is perfectly made. Everything’s in order. The living room is pierced by natural day light casting shadows of the small plant that happily sits in the corner.

My breath is calm. My thoughts are clear. Gratitude pulsates through my body.

Time elapses.

I’m energized. I’m pumped. Dubstep is playing through my headphones. Feet are moving. Body sweating. I’m happy. Excited. Feeling unstoppable.

And then there are those moments.

Those fucking moments…

Waiting for ticket 876 at the DMV to be called when the last number was 531 while looking down at my phone anxiously longing for a text message that never appears.

Sigh.

And how lucky is it that this period of limbo also happens to coincide with forgetting my wallet in the lyft so when 837 is finally called I’m left scrambling through my purse for a phantom.

Heart sinks. Stomach churns. The room grows dim. Anger runs through my veins sending irrational signals to my body that it needs to destroy something.

My hippie, positive self-soothing talk chimes in reminding me to calm the fuck down and keep it together.

So I call the lyft driver for the damn wallet. “I’ll be there in 40 minutes.”
40 minutes turns into two hours and twenty three minutes.

I’m hungry. I’m pissed.

But I’ve got the wallet, the text, and number 1032.

 

 

 

 

 

*image credit to @Peaceful_barb as noted in image

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Be Present With Uneasiness

I notice how uneasy I feel.

How I’m trying to scramble for validation.

“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”

I observe it.

I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.

Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.

So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.

I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.

This is my experience.

A lot of my issues stem from attachment.

Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?

Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.

It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.

So you’re back to the drawing board.

I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.

It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.

I’m breathing. I’m breathing.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m crying. I’m crying.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m scared. I’m scared.

I am holding my heart.

I’m breathing. And it’s okay.

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Existential Crisis

So let me tell you about my existential crisis.

I’ve been tossing and turning the “Why am I here, what is the actual point of all this” question in my head for longer than I could remember. I’ve explored theories, entertained fantasies, looked to reason, theology, spiritual texts,  philosophy, science, but nothing really satisfied my query.

Existential bullshit aside, I’m also carrying around the weight of the reality I am currently in.

I am at a point where I am trying to figure out what truly matters to me.
Which is such an annoying task because I’m always changing! If I could only stick to one goddam idea and emotion, that’d be grand. But I’m constantly being pulled in different directions by my moods, desires, feelings, thoughts, and ideas.

One day I wake up feeling confident about a particular decision, set on doing particular things, while the next day I don’t want that same thing at all. My mood is completely different. My desires completely shift. 180.  Example: I am considering moving to Texas or Florida, even though I JUST moved to California (but more on that some other time).

I am currently giving myself a reality check.
Taking inventory.
Like: You’re 30 years old, you’re making this amount of money, you’re working this type of job, you’re waking up this time in the day, you’re eating these types of food, you’re talking to these types of people, you’re spending these many dollars, you’re doing x y z, a b c…. and if you keep going in this direction you’re likely going to be experiencing these particular results  in your future (whatever they may be).

I wish some genius could take stock of everything I’ve done and am doing, enter it into some kind of excel formula and come up with my future trajectory.

Which is what I’m trying to do now… with my average intelligence… and without an excel formula.

Other factors of reality that are hitting me in the face.
I’m aging.
It sucks.
My body isn’t as energized as it used to be.
I can tell my skin is different. My face is more mature. My hair texture is different.

I know on a fundamental level the best thing I can do is to accept myself as I age. The best thing I can do is be kind to myself. To be able to gracefully let go of what was and embrace what is. I know the best thing I can do is to make peace with the new identity I am growing into while having the maturity to release the attachment to the old image of me.

Yada. Yada. Yada.

I know. I get it. Anything outside of unconditional self-regard, self-love, self-acceptance is a recipe for suffering…

BUT – I’m still gonna complain about it. I’m still going to acknowledge how shitty it is. I’m still going to say I would rather not lose my health, beauty, strength, energy, memory, etc. A girl’s gotta vent, ya know?

Anyway…I don’t intend for this post to be about me complaining. You can hear me complain some other time…

My intention is more to share on my struggle towards understanding the real meaning and purpose of life. But given that I don’t have an actual answer yet, and maybe never will, I am trying to create purpose through living a life that feels meaningful to me. I’m trying to figure out right now, in this pivotal point in my life, what is actually going to fulfill me so that I wake up excited to be alive, rather than dreading what I do in the body that I do it in.

There are a lot of details that go into creating a meaningful, fulfilling life – and I am currently trying to figure out what those details exactly look like for me, while also accounting for the fact that I constantly change my mind/feelings/moods.

So in other words, how can I create a life that is fulfilling, meaningful and flexible.

Something like that….

Turns out I didn’t really talk too much about the existential crisis in itself… which often trumps all the day to day “What am I going to do with my life” type questions and goes deeper to ask “What even is life, and why was it given to me and what am I really supposed to be doing with it, if there is even such a thing as ‘supposed’ to, and if there’s not, how do I know that to be true — and who the hell am I anyway, and why does it matter or not matter?”

….

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person who didn’t even care or who didn’t even wonder.

 

 

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Passenger

I am only a passenger in this ride called life.

I was sitting here thinking about where I see myself in 6 years.

I imagined the wear and tear of time painted across my face. The mature look in my eyes. The wrinkles on my forehead more pronounced.

As I conjured up an image of my future self in my mind’s eye I wondered — am I making a conscious effort to really enjoy my experience here in this life?

This means… not allowing stress to get the best of me. This means doing more of what truly makes me happy. Eating foods that I enjoy. Going on more walks. Engaging in local activities. Having intellectual conversations with people who “get” me. Traveling. Being truly myself without fear of rejection. Enjoying the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin.  Being comfortable with expressing my own opinions. Trusting my intuition. Telling more people I love them. Connecting with
positive people. Listening to more music. Going to more shows.  Taking care of my body.
Treating myself with kindness, love, and unconditional positive regard.

YAAAAS to all the above and more!

One of my biggest stressors right now is my job.  Boy does that place know how to run me thin. I can either change jobs or change how I approach my job (I’mma do both).

As I sit here thinking about it I realize that I can’t let myself get sucked into external pressure or self imposed pressure. This is my life. I have the power to dictate its flavor.

I no longer want to let small things bother me.
I no longer want to spend time judging myself negatively.

The decree is in… I’m fabulous. The end.

I want to take ownership of my experience.
Not let worry, fear, or stress consume me.

I want to trust that at every moment I’ll know exactly what to do.

Fuck the bullshit.

I want to enjoy the ride.

Because when the time comes when life flashes before my eyes I wanna see some awesome shit. I wanna see a film that is PACKED with laughter, fun, adventure, coffee, love, friendship, health, music, and all the great memories I’ve consciously created along this passage.

Ya with me?

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Don’t Give Up

I wish you could see how strong you really are.
How capable.

How everything you’ve ever wanted is but a choice away.

That if you believed and saw the light within you’d be unstoppable.

I am learning that in order to make life happen you gotta really want it. You could have your dreams or you can have your excuses but you can’t have both.

It doesn’t even have to be difficult. There are ways to break down big goals into smaller bite size goals that can be easily accomplished. 

What do you want?
Really. 
What do you truly want?

Are you afraid to dream big?

Or are you able to dream but tell yourself it just isn’t possible?

Well. 
I’m here to tell you that you CAN dream big and you CAN make it happen.

The thing is, that BIG dreams require BIG action.

Are you up for the work?
Because nothing comes without energy. 
Energy will be needed to bring about that vision into reality.

It can be done in easy, small steps.

Are you willing to be patient?

Great accomplishments take time.

Are you willing to enjoy the process and be happy in the here and now as you move towards the climax of your life?

Are you willing to remain present? Remain joyful every step of the way?

Are you willing to stay committed? Encouraged even when there are unexpected setbacks?

Life is unpredictable. We gotta learn to adapt. Adjust. Be flexible.

Play. Dance. Move with the flow.

Know that you have everything it takes, keep at it, and don’t give up.

 

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