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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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truth

Reality Codes

Everything that is is embedded with a code which represents its existence.

Everything that is is embedded with fact.

There is a Truth that is beyond argument. This truth is THE TRUTH. Meaning, the fact of that which is.

If something is then it holds an inherent truth.

Just because we don’t know the truth does not mean it’s not there. It’s like uncharted land.

There is an ultimate Fact. While I may not know what this Fact is given my limited intellect, what I do know is that there is an Answer, because the answer is inseparable from existence in itself. The Answer is encoded in reality. But I do not have the mental capacity to compute it. Perhaps, however, there is another way.

But I have arguments against this “other way,” because it’s through experience. But experience alone, I believe, is not sufficient proof. As experience is subjective.

But perhaps if I knew, and you knew too, and we all could know simultaneously through experience – ultimate computation, meaning we’d factor ourselves into the equation because only by inclusion could we really know the size of how grand it all is, could we then arrive at a conclusion.

Hm.

Something to think about.

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I Don’t Know

The truth is that I don’t know.

Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.

But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.

And it leaves me frustrated.

To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.

I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?

I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.

I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.

It’s nonsense and I don’t care.

Or maybe I do care.

I don’t know.

I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.

No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.

If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!

I think it’s fucking blissful.

All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.

I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.

I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.

There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.

These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.

But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.

But honestly, I just don’t know.

I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.

But I’m gonna share it anyway.

Fuck it.

YOLO, I guess…

I don’t know.

Philosophy

We are here.

There is something rather than nothing.

It appears that reality is embedded with a force called Time that causes all things to move.

It also appears that reality is embedded with a formula to figure itself out.

This begs the question of free will.

Am I behaving freely, do I have a choice, or am I simply acting out the functions embedded into the blue print of existence?

Is the ability to choose simply an illusion? Do I think I am choosing because I have been enabled with the ability to “think” and have mistaken this ability for choice? Am I simply unfolding through time as I have been programmed to do?

But beyond that… when I observe the world and its complexities it’s “realness” seems almost absurd to doubt. It seems like there really is a real world. That the stories we’ve learned in our science textbooks must hold true. There must have been a Big Bang. This must be a product of some explosion and evolutionary process. I must be here because I evolved from another species.

Right?

Regardless of the story we buy into, what seems to remain unexplained is the question of why truly is there existence rather than nonexistance?

Why is it that things are rather than are not?

The fact that there IS something rather than NOT trips me out.

Holy shit, I exist. What the fuck!?

I am here rather than not here.

Does that mean something? Or does it mean nothing?

Yeah, I’m here and so is everyone and everything else – big woop. (Hope you hear the sarcasm in this statement).

 

I just don’t get it. What’s the point?

If this means nothing who the hell cares. I sure don’t. Or maybe if I knew it really didn’t matter and I only had this life to live perhaps I would enjoy it more. Because I’d know that I’m only given one opportunity to exist, and since I do exist why not make the best of it?

It would be relieving to know that I didn’t have to live a certain way or do a certain thing or get to a certain place because in the end it doesn’t matter – so why fuss? Why get so caught up in a negative story? Nobody matters. Nothing matters. So fuck me and fuck you.

Fuck what you think. Fuck your bullshit. Your theories. Your science. It doesn’t matter: I don’t matter and you don’t matter and in the end nothing matters.

So have fun. Enjoy the one life that was granted by coincidence, by odd chance, by luck.

 

But I don’t know that that’s the fucking truth. I don’t know the why. I only have ideas. Theories. Guesses. Stories.

I am always left guessing. Wondering. Searching.

At times the search becomes exhausting. And I hate that I care so much. That it’s somehow embedded in my DNA to obsess about life, my place in it and the meaning of all this.

 

Whatever.

Truth

I don’t know what the truth is. I think that’s what scares me.

I don’t really know why I’m here.

Or what the point of all this is.

I have theories. Ideas. Strong beliefs. But no absolute certainty. No true knowledge. No REAL absolute, undeniable, unarguable  fact.

I don’t want to end up in suffering.

I want to end up in peace.

and I wish I knew for certain that the destination is peace.

So I don’t have to worry now.

So I don’t have to fear.

So I don’t have to wonder.

Or doubt.

 

Is there life after death?

What even is death, really?

How could the living speak on an experience they haven’t had?

Too many questions and no real answers.

Whatever though.

There’s so much going on in the world. What’s really going on? Does anybody know? Or are we all in for a big surprise?

Could it be true that life’s a magical place filled with wonder and that something truly beautiful awaits us? All of us?

Could it be that it’s all a matter of time before it all makes sense and we can fall into the arms of bliss?

I don’t know.

Or maybe it never ends up making sense.

I don’t know.

Whatever.

 

 

Reflecting… Out Loud

Who has the answers?
Is it you — girl in the corner twirling a charcoal pencil between your fingers, arched over the sketches of portraits in your high waist jeans and blue 1970’s vest draped over a loosely fitted, eggshell button down shirt?

I woke up from a different version of a dream I had during my childhood:
Jesus comes back and I am left behind.

I see an expansive white light cutting through the fabric of space revealing light shaped figures of men in horses. In the moment it was clear what was separate from the light. And I, left behind, on the other side of the light, suddenly struggled with the realization that I was wrong. I chose wrong. As I frantically fought my way through unfamiliar people and objects in attempt to approach the light to plead that “I didn’t know any better,” my awareness beyond the dream state chimed in saying, “This can’t be right. This has to be a dream.”

WTF…

This week I’ve been contemplating “what’s the point?”

Well. That’s actually a common contemplation of mine.

But it’s more often been in the forefront of my mind the question of “What truly is the point of all this and what is the right answer?” If there is no “right” answer, how do I really know that’s true? How much more right is it to say “There is a right answer” vs. “There is no right answer?” when we don’t have ultimate proof of either.

Sigh.

Let’s talk about psychedelic experiences for a moment. 
Are they real? Or are they simply your brain responding to powerful chemicals? Nothing truly mystical or magical here – only your brain having a response to a disruption in its normal neural circuitry which manifests itself in symptoms like disassociation, distorted vision, distorted sense of time,  blended perception of senses, (seeing colors, tasting sounds), visual hallucinations, among others.  
When we have a psychedelic experience are we tapping into some real, alternate realm? Is there REALLY AND TRULY some other dimension where there are beings of forms beyond the earth existing?
Or is it just your brain making these things up in response to a drug and then people come out of it thinking it’s real when it’s just as fake as a Hollywood movie?

What do you make of the works by Alex Grey?

What is true about the nature of reality?
Do the people who promote the law attraction have it right?
Are we really just energy and we can manifest anything we want into our life simply by becoming a vibrational match?
Sometimes these thoughts scare me. Because if this is true, I am fucked. My thoughts can go to some pretty dark places and the last thing I need is to manifest them into reality.

Co-relation does not mean causation.  

Who really knows whats going on here?
Is it the Scientists? The Christians? The Buddhists? The Quantum Physicists?
Can someone please tell me – why? For what am I here? 
Why is there something rather than nothing?

Does this all truly matter in the end? Or is it truly meaningless? 
Which is it?
What even is “the end?” Is there life beyond this?

If I knew, would I be satisfied with the answer? 
How would I know that I know?

How can I truly know something?

I have my basic senses to guide me. But they’re not enough. There is so much that they do not detect. And my intellect is that of a mere, average human. 

Maybe I’ll never know. What if this “I’ll never know” attitude is what stops me from ever digging to find out? 

Why do I even care?

I wish I didn’t.

I wish I was someone who didn’t care.
Someone who could just live their life in peace. Not feeling the need to seek anything. To know anything. 

Someone like the girl in the corner twirling the charcoal pencil between her fingers.

 

 

SPEAK UP

I’ve learned that you can’t expect people to read your mind to know what you’re thinking and feeling.
Sometimes indirect cues can get others to catch on to your intentions, thoughts, and feelings. That, however, doesn’t always work and sometimes you just have to open your mouth and tell it like it is. Don’t go around expecting people to pick up what you’re trying to put out. Because what you’ll find is that often, despite your best efforts, people will have no idea how you really feel because you’re not blatantly saying it.
Unsatisfied with your pay grade?
Don’t pretend to be okay with it. Don’t make indirect gestures. Speak to your boss!
Unhappy in a relationship?
Don’t bottle up your feelings and act like nothing is bothering you. Say something!
Feeling like you need more help?
Don’t hide and hope someone will magically figure it out. Reach out to people and tell them you need help!
Annoyed with your roommate, Steve, who always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and who “accidentally” ate the whole carton of rocky road ice cream you purposely labeled “don’t touch”?
Don’t ignore it and smile like everything is fine and dandy! Speak to that son of a gun and let it be clearly known that you’re actually NOT cool with that typa thang.
We have to start being honest about how we really feel. No going around it. No pretending. No being fake about who we really are and what we really think and feel. No trying to indirectly cue it and hoping for the best. NO. Say that sh*t loud and clear.
When we start vocalizing our truth we receive feedback from the world. And with this feedback, we can then seek to make adjustments that move us in the direction of what we actually want.
When we speak up, we may not get the feedback we want. But we certainly almost never will if we don’t speak up because fun fact: people can’t read our minds. (At least not yet. Who knows what technology will allow us to do. There’s probably aliens out there somewhere connecting minds by touching each other’s penis or something… but that’s neither here nor there. I digress.)
When we speak up we receive data from those we are speaking to that will allow us to move forward in the direction that we want. For instance, when I tell my boss that I’m no longer okay working 70 hours or more per week while doing my job, his job, and the secretary’s job all at once for basically spare change as compensation and he basically laughs at me and says “go f*ck yourself,” that tells me this company is a dead end for me. His response gives me the feedback that if I want more then I must move on!
So if there is something you’ve been quiet about I urge you to SPEAK UP! Tell it like it is.
Be transparent. Open your damn mouth and SPEAK your truth and go in the direction of your desires, you glorious badass.
SPEAK UP!
💜

Passionate Rant

I spent about an hour arguing with my brother about how I don’t believe that Christianity or the Bible is the TRUTH – as he, and so many others preach.

Please, if you’re Christian or religious and are reading this, I really don’t mean any disrespect. Quite contrary, I value your right and freedom to believe whatever feels right to you. All I am saying is that I do not feel like this religion is right, or true, for me.

I think people should be able to believe whatever they want if it makes them truly happy and if it resonates with them personally. I just get annoyed when people (particularly my brother and mother this evening) make condemning statements  like “Oh, one day you’ll see. We will pray for you. Judgment day will come and you’ll regret not having listened.”

djadhfiuhfguxhdfuyatfdldjfkvxjvh!!!!!! UGH. Comments like that make me want to roll my eyes so hard they disappear into a black hole.

And then the fact that I get annoyed by their remarks makes me sad. Because it points to me that I clearly need more patience. Like why am I getting all worked up by someone’s silly perspective of how my life will end?

I can’t help it at times and I just get annoyed with the close mindedness. Then I close off. But I want to work on that. Be more patient with their perspectives – even if I don’t agree. I want to be able to have deep respect and appreciation for people’s thoughts and feelings – even when they contradict my own. I want to be fair and listen, even when I don’t agree.

*Breathes*

I was born into Christianity and at one point I deeply believed it was THE TRUTH – until I explored my mind and the world more and discovered that my boxed idea of reality wasn’t quite fitting to my free spirit self. I am a HUGE advocate for freedom and free will. I am also a huge advocate for LOVE AND KINDNESS AND PEACE and there is just absolutely NO FREAKING WAY I am going to sit here and spend my life believing in a God that sends people to burn for eternity. THAT IS CRAZY!! Me, a mere human, would NEVER want to condemn anyone to suffer like that (even if I had the total power to), and why would a loving God do that?

I’m sorry dudes, I just can’t accept that. Why would I want to worship a being who would be so cruel to beautiful, precious, human lives? I don’t care if you’re a psycho killer dude, I would never want to throw you into a fire for eternity – and much less just your average Joe trying to lead a normal, good, atheist life.

I am rambling – but seriously, my brother’s Christian God is one who is soooo freakin’ petty that he’s like “Even though you lived a descent life, was kind to others, paid your bills on time, never got into any trouble, always did the best you can but because you SIMPLY did not believe in my son, Jesus, I am going to have you sentenced to an eternity in hell. See ya!”

oidajfsdfhsfugtgcuycgducsiuh;diohd;oih!!!!!!!!!!!! CAN YOU HEAR HOW RIDICULOUS THAT IS!!!???

It’s simply OUTRAGEOUS!

ANOTHER THING THAT REALLY GETS ME GOING IS….

Ok, dude, you’re God – and you can do ANYTHING. Literally. ANYTHING. And the best possible plan you could come up with to save humanity is to send a human baby into the world to undergo all kinds of general human struggles, only later to get beaten and crucified to save the world?? SERIOUSLY DUDE? That’s your grand plan?
ME – A FREAKING DUMBASS HUMAN, could think of a better plan. Like sheesh, I dunno – WHY NOT SNAP MY FINGER AND JUST DECLARE HUMANITY SAVED – YOU’RE GOD, HELLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

And what’s worst is that he’s “saving” us from a condemnation HE HIMSELF created by telling us that if we don’t follow HIS WAY, HIS RULES then we’re basically fucked.

AND… There’s more that pisses me off about this religion….

FIRST OF ALL – I didn’t ask to exist, dude. And now that I do, I have to abide by some ridiculous ass rules or else I am doomed. WHAT KIND OF FREAKING FREE WILL IS THAT? IT ISN’T!
There’s no free will if the only choice is to abide by X Y Z rules OR ELSE.
Why can’t I have my own rules? Rules that feel right to me personally? Like, I dunno, don’t eat special brownies and drive – but definitely eat special brownies and have make out sessions while looking at the stars and being free to believe or not believe and it DOESN’T MATTER because GOD, if there is one, isn’t trying to judge your every freaking move and just allows you to BE.

Okay.

Passionate rant over.

On a side note…

I will be starting a Reflect Out Loud YouTube Channel! And I will definitely speak on this topic more elaborately, and again! Among other content that crosses my mind and may hopefully serve the world in some way.

Thank you for following me on this rant. And on my journey. I am sorry if I offended anyone. But seriously, dude – I really rather believe that if there is a God (which I HAVE NO CLUE EITHER WAY) that IT is SOOOOO LOVING and is in everything, and everyone and there is nothing we need to do, be, have, get because there are no real rules and it really doesn’t matter. So make the best of it and live a life you’re happy with.

Something like that.

(Passionate rant officially over)

 

Do The Damn Thing

Make your suffering count. Pay a price for the life you actually want.


For a long time I have imagined myself as a this great successful person that has helped and touched many lives with inspiring and motivational messages. And then I realized… Oh, I actually have to do something to get to that success. I can’t just sit here on my couch eating McDonald’s expecting Jesus to come down from heaven with a million dollars and a bunch of loving fans for me. I gotta do the damn thing.

And this reality is something pretty scary to face. Whether I fail or succeed is my own doing. I am responsible for my story. I am responsible for what I make of my life. Those chiseled abs I want aren’t just gonna carve themselves. That book I wanna write isn’t just gonna pop into existence. I gotta put in the work. I gotta do the damn thing.

I can fantasize about an abundant, successful career and book but unless I start taking the necessary action and start writing the damn thing it’s never going to come to fruition. It’ll just remain a fantasy.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat here and thought to myself “Oh, I gotta start working on that book.” It’s been over 5 years that I’ve had that thought. And how many pages have I written? 0.

Thoughts and dreams are wonderful things to have. But only actions have actual credibility in the real world.

We have to get honest with ourselves and see what are the actions necessary to create what we want to create and whether or not we are truly willing to put in the sacrifice to make it happen. Even if we are creating something we truly love and are truly passionate about there will still be hard work involved. There will still be a price to pay. There will still be effort and energy to exert. That’s just life.
Even the basic activities in life require energy and effort – like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, making breakfast, etc…  so why would it be any different when it comes to creating the life and success we know we want to achieve? It’s not different. It’s going to take real effort. It’s going to be painful and really difficult at times – but it’ll be worth it because it’ll bring into existence the results you actually want. So make your suffering count! Suffer for the thing you actually do want and stop suffering for the things you don’t.

*Image credit to pinterest

Free Thought and Numbers

I see same digits every day without planning to. 1:11, 11:11, 12:12, 2:22, 3:33, 4:44, 10:10. These are the most common. Which is basically all of them. Except 5:55, which I think I see less of. I always feel happy when I see them. I hear some say that they are messages from the universe. Are they? I don’t know. I would really like it to be.

I don’t know how to really draw the line between what is truly real and what is man made mumbo jumbo. I wish I could know. I really do.

I have trouble at times feeling really confident in any one belief because I feel like everything is always changing. For example, if I believe in this X now, 1 second from now this X is not the same because it’s now one second old – it has changed (even if at a minuscule level) since its original time. So how can I become grounded in any one thing if all things are changing moment by moment?

I hate it. I hate that I get so confused by it all and that I just don’t know it all.

Some say that we should become satisfied with not knowing. Are we giving up by saying it’s enough not to know? If you could know, wouldn’t you want to? I would.
If I had a choice I would choose knowledge.
But that’s my personal choice.

But, of course, until then, I’ll just settle for not knowing. For wondering. For exploring.
For having enough, for now.

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