How long will I keep this up? Pretending I am normal and okay when I’m really not. It takes massive amounts of energy to be normal. To put on an act. All I want to do is relax into who I really am. To not pretend. To not be that nice. The truth is, I’m not easily impressed but I want people to be happy. I want people to see their own light. It’s hard for me to not be pleasing. Like today, when my Lyft driver was talking up a storm yet all I wanted was for him to drive faster and focus on the road, not show me content on his phone. But I didn’t say anything. I just… kept entertaining the convo.

I’m tired of trying to please everyone. Of being agreeable and trying to keep the peace.

Anyway, today was a magical day. But it was hard to fully enjoy it because I am holding all this tension — plus I was wearing the wrong shoes for the occasion. I want to release the pressure I put on myself. I want to reduce the fucks I give. It can be very hard, especially being an empath.

Anyway, I’m blabbering on like usual. I don’t want this to be so long ;).

I think I’m in love… again lol

ai ai ai

His eyes are dreamy and blue
His soul, a whole universe.

I think I have commitment issues. It’s hard to imagine myself with just one person for more than a few years. A lifetime is a long time to stay with someone. Maybe I just haven’t found the person to whom I’d want to keep committing to. So perhaps the issue isn’t the commitment itself? I don’t know. Do you ever feel that way?

Maybe we’ll get rich and have a baby.

Maybe I’ll get rich and always be a wanderer. A loner. A woman without kiddos.

Maybe.
Maybe.

Lately I don’t hold on to any certainties. I realize life is too unpredictable for that.
I need to find more clarity. Where does one go for that?

______

I want to know who you really are.
I don’t want to pretend.
I just wish to be free.