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Alone

Ok. I need you to understand that you ARE alone

you are alone

read it again…

you ARE alone

You can have people around you
You can even be having sex
but you ALONE are experiencing what you experience

Yes there is someone next to you
But you ALONE are having that experience

There is no one else within you but you
Each being is its own being

When you get comfortable with this truth
You can learn to stop trying to get an external thing to ultimately fulfill you
Because there is no external thing that could

I do think that perhaps there are more ideal external circumstances
Environments that are more conducive to feelings of happiness and joy, comfort, fulfillment

Like being at a beautiful beach with your beloved sipping a mojito will be much more delightful than getting your foot bitten off by a shark

So yes – there are perhaps more favorable external circumstances

But it doesn’t change that in all circumstances – favorable, unfavorable or in between — you ALONE are the ONE experiencing the experience

Get comfortable with your own company
You don’t need to go anywhere or find anyone or anything in order to BE

You already are
and “wherever you go, there you are”

Be okay with you, whether you are standing at the grocery store, sitting on the toilet, making love, sitting in traffic or bored in your room with nothing to do for the evening.

Just fucking be okay with yourself already, alright???

You are alone. That’s it, there’s nothing to be resolved there. Being alone is not a problem.

Being alone does not have to mean lonely.
Loneliness does not happen only as a result of being alone. You can be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. You can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Feeling lonely and being alone are two different things

You can be alone in the shower singing joyfully to your shampoo bottles and feel perfectly fine

And you can also be alone and feel lonely

lonely is a feeling
Alone is what you are

and it shouldn’t scare you that you are alone (you already ARE… and look at you now, just reading these words all fine and shit in your aloness. See? It’s not scary. You’re fine. YOU’RE FINE)

The fact that you are alone and you can just BE in your lonesome, that should empower you not scare you

You are your guarantee

Even when everyone and everything falls away, you will still be the ONE it all falls away from, and who will be there on the other side of it all? Yep. You got — YOU.

Until you fall away too and it all fades to nothing, but that’s a whole other story

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death

I feel like death is something we don’t talk much about

So I wanna talk about it…
because it’s something that is lurking to find us all at some point or another

it’s a strange thing…
we never really know when it’s coming

It makes me sad when I think about it
When I think about life slipping away

I’m doing all this work for it all to just be taken away by the hands of time


One day I will have to say good bye to my body,
good bye to my life and everything I’ve created

what a harsh truth to swallow

nothing is ever ours
NOTHING

so stop thinking anything is truly yours, “my boyfriend, my car, my house, my dog”
yours nothing… everything passes, everything fades — you keep nothing.

Some say there is an after life
Some say we reincarnate
Some say you go to heaven or hell
Some say there is some in between place — purgatory
Some say you die and that’s it — that’s the end

I say — I don’t know what happens, because I really freakin’ don’t…

Is there a chance my consciousness can live without a physical body? If so, for how long?

Even if my consciousness can be transferred to a different host, this body that I now possess will eventually give out. I will have to let go.

It makes me sad to think of myself getting old
To think of my body not being as strong, not as attractive

It makes me sad to think of my loved ones passing away

It makes me sad to think of letting go

This death thing, man… it’s quite a topic to reflect on

The other day as I walked home from the beach I sort of dissociated for a moment as I looked around me at people passing by… some waiting for the light to turn… other’s standing in a corner among themselves talking… a family going for a stroll — isn’t it weird we are all strangers to each other? Just a bunch of strangers crossing the same street. We live on this planet together, but we ignore each other and just keep walking by.

that same day I had a weird thought come through — “we’re all just waiting to die.”

Death, that is our destination.

We go about our lives not really talking about this.
We are born, we experience some things, and at some point we die — death — that is what you’re amounting to.

What exactly is death?

Is it when the body can no longer function in support of your consciousness?

Is time travel a possibility? Could we come back to the same point in time? What is the nature of reality?

I love this being that I am — I would hate to never see her again.

😦

death…
sigh

this topic makes me deeply sad
and it makes me wonder, if ultimately my life just ends, am I making it worth it?

am I loving enough
laughing enough
dancing enough
exploring enough
enjoying enough
or am I too worried about how I look and how much I’ve acquired that I am missing the opportunity to truly live?

damn, idk
lot’s to think about

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Sadness

Sadness is a feeling I am all too familiar with

The other day I was journaling and noticing how blessed I am…


Full belly
Food in the fridge
Comfortable couch decorated with colorful throw pillows to sit on
Candle lit
Plants and flowers around
Fire place lit
Living in a beach town
Wearing a cute outfit, nails painted in a cute blue color and fingers adorned with stylish rings
Glass of wine
Healthy body
Friends
A lover

Yet with all there is to be grateful for, why is there still some persistent underlying feeling of sadness that lingers around throughout my days? What is it within me that keeps this feeling alive?

So…

I started to explore it…

Maybe it’s biological? Maybe my body is used to producing this familiar chemical and so it is biologically triggered…

Maybe I like it? Maybe there is a part of me that enjoys the sadness? So much art and reflection can come from this state…

Maybe it’s because of the suffering of the world? How can I rest and be truly happy if there is suffering in the world?

Maybe it’s because I will die… and everything is just passing. I’m working and working and doing and doing — and for what? For it all to end and pass away? The beautiful moments quickly evaporate and morph into the next. The day becomes the night. The young become the old…. and eventually the beginning meets the end 😥

So what is it all for?
What am I living for?
Why am I here?
Why is there something?
What is this experience?
What is even the point? 😦

And why is it that even though I am happy, I am also sad….?




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Let Go

We have to learn to let go

Things come to an end,
they change

and yes it’s going to hurt

I think about it almost like a piercing…
It hurts in the moment
and through the healing process

but eventually it heals… and just becomes part of your story

You can’t be so attached to things that you don’t know how to be content on your own

Things come and go

and eventually you die — which is the big LET GO…

so don’t be shocked when things end

learn to adapt

learn to let go

(or invent a time machine so you can always go back in time)….

but until then

learn to accept that you don’t control when someone chooses to walk away

or when things come to an end

that’s the process

and that’s okay

let go

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Expectations

There’s a terrible pain that comes with unmet expectations

When you have an image of what life should look like

When you have hopes of what could be

When you create a vision in your mind’s eye

But then find that reality does not match it

You find yourself disappointed

Because what you thought would be is not

Because you saw things going one way yet life had other plans

WTF is that all about?
__


Then there is also the burden of expectations

The pressure to make something of your life and meet specific metrics society has set fourth

Or perhaps the expectations you believe society has of you so you just blindly go along with thinking you need/want something maybe you actually don’t (were it not expected of you)

Here is the thing:
You will have hopes, dreams and wishes
You will create plans
But they won’t always be met in reality
At least not in your timing, and not entirely the way you imagined

and sometimes….
sometimes it does all come together

keep your hope
but also be flexible
disappointments happen

delays happen

and sometimes it’s in the detours
the wrong turns
and in the unexpected, that we find magic beyond what we could have ever conceived

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Fair

Life is not going to be fair, kid

it’s going to test you

push you

laugh at you

take from you

tell you NO after all you did and how hard you tried…

it’s going to fool you

challenge you

play you

and it won’t always be fair…

how you respond is up to you


what will you make of it?

that’s a good question to meditate on

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Open?

So far in my life all of my romantic relationships have lasted an average of like 3 years…

I have learned that just because something isn’t “forever” or for a lifetime doesn’t mean that it isn’t meaningful. Relationships don’t have to last a lifetime in order for them to be beautiful, important, and exactly what we needed them to be while they lasted.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of open relationships…

Would I ever want a dynamic like this?

Right now I’m in a place in life where for the first time ever I don’t want a relationship

I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was like 16 years old
I’m 33 now

Don’t you think it’s time for me to just be at PEACE on my own without needing to be with another?
I think it’s much needed

Like, who am?
What do I like?
And if I’m loud who cares — I don’t need your approval
This is my face, this is my body, this is my personality — TA DA
(Not saying this in an arrogant “my way or the high way, I don’t need nobody and don’t make compromises” typa way) I’m saying this in a more gentle “I accept myself and your acceptance is great but not needed for me to feel okay” typa way…

I feel like I’m in a time where I finally just want to focus all of my attention on me (and what a relief to get to this point, because I’ve been trying to find the “right” boy since I basically came out of the womb)

but I am wondering… If I ever do decide to lay my attention on another again, could I ever really be with just ONE person — for the rest of my life?

I don’t know

Right now I am feeling open
Open to exploring
Open to allowing things to unfold without needing to pin them down or make them into anything

I am open to BEING…

The other day I kissed a girl
There’s that

I feel like there’s a world inside me on the topic of self worth, value and relationships I want to share with you soon…. but for today I’ll just leave it at this, open ended






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things end

things come to an end
and the sooner we come to accept it
the easier it will be to process the pain


i was in the desert some month ago
and there was a moment when i laid on the sandy, rocky ground
silence…
sun beaming on my skin
for a moment i disassociated from my body
i was in it but i wasn’t connecting to it
focused on my breath, i bled into the moment
i could hear flies buzzing, bzzzzzzz, feel them landing on my skin
for a moment i felt like a corpse
just there to be eaten up by time
and then it dawned on me
“if you were dead right now, what difference would it really make?
life will just keep going…
and everything will just keep going…”



here’s the thing…
one day everyone and everything you know will come to an end
you will die, i will die, and everything will pass away

expect it
embrace it
so it doesn’t come to you as a shock

life is impermanent and everything is passing

so when your favorite yellow mug breaks into pieces, accept it
when your partner walks away, accept it
when your hairline recedes, accept it
when they fire you from your job, accept it
when your dad passes away, accept it
when your car breaks down, accept it
when your skin sags, accept it
when everything falls apart, accept it

now, accepting it doesn’t mean you are passive.
it doesn’t mean you do nothing about it

it just means you don’t fight the facts on the journey to manage and cope with the facts

you don’t resist or deny reality
you embrace it
and from that place of acceptance, you take aligned action and response

or idk
maybe you throw a tantrum like a brat
fuck it
either way it doesn’t matter

choice is yours

anyway…i probably have no idea what i’m saying
also… do you notice the gen z influence over me?
i write in low caps now (lol)

i’ve had so many new reflections i wanna share with you
i also wanna revamp this website a little,
especially the “pic me ups” section of it

anyway… i won’t fill your head with nonsense any further for today

the end


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Fill the Silence

Why do we feel the need to fill the silence?

Can we just co-exist with the moment?

Breathing, walking, taking in the sights, the sounds, the fresh air, the sudden hits of inspiration.

You, me, life, & the comfortable silence

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