Perhaps love is more about letting go than holding on.
But man, do I wish I could keep you.
Currently, I am learning that the most loving act is to let people be. Let them go if that is what they wish. Let them stay by their own free will.
Perhaps true love is not about forcing someone to stay. It’s not about convincing, manipulating, cajoling. It’s not about begging, hoping and praying. It’s about letting. Let it happen. Let it be.
Perhaps this is the greatest gift we can give another. To allow them to find their own happiness, even if it’s not with you. To allow them to be full — without you. To allow them freedom to truly be who they are without judgment. Perhaps it’s simply sitting with them with your full presence without wanting to take or give or do anything more but allow them the agency to make their own choices — even if that choice has nothing to do with you.
Oh what a love. A love that is simply present. Allowing. Graceful. Grounded. Poised. Unwanting. Unafraid. Trusting. Unattached to the outcome. Okay no matter what.
Oof.
Man, does it hurt. Does it hurt to let go. Does it hurt to detach. But only at first.
I hold space for this pain. I sit with it. I honor it. I don’t numb it, hide or distract from it. I breathe into it. I give it my love. “I am right here.” “I am right here with you.”
I fill myself with my own love. My own attention. My own care. My own shakti. I let it be. I let it all be because I realize I am already whole. I am already free. And I can let you just be.
Do I dim my light to be accepted?
Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?
Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love
because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off
because I’m loved by others conditionally
Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other
Conditions, conditions…
-Sigh-
I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another
To accept yourself fully, without judgement
And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.
If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself
Easier said than done, I know
but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice
A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,
without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other
To not hide or dim your light
We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7
So don’t be surprised when they’re not
It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships
Work on being okay with yourself
(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)
But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.
The love you seek from the other is already there.
Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)
Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)
If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better
If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)
-Sigh-
This rant went on longer than I intended it to…
In conclusion,
Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice
Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,
Except maybe Jesus?
But that’s a whole other story
things come to an end
and the sooner we come to accept it
the easier it will be to process the pain
i was in the desert some month ago
and there was a moment when i laid on the sandy, rocky ground
silence…
sun beaming on my skin
for a moment i disassociated from my body
i was in it but i wasn’t connecting to it
focused on my breath, i bled into the moment
i could hear flies buzzing, bzzzzzzz, feel them landing on my skin
for a moment i felt like a corpse
just there to be eaten up by time
and then it dawned on me
“if you were dead right now, what difference would it really make?
life will just keep going…
and everything will just keep going…”
here’s the thing…
one day everyone and everything you know will come to an end
you will die, i will die, and everything will pass away
expect it
embrace it
so it doesn’t come to you as a shock
life is impermanent and everything is passing
so when your favorite yellow mug breaks into pieces, accept it
when your partner walks away, accept it
when your hairline recedes, accept it
when they fire you from your job, accept it
when your dad passes away, accept it
when your car breaks down, accept it
when your skin sags, accept it
when everything falls apart, accept it
now, accepting it doesn’t mean you are passive.
it doesn’t mean you do nothing about it
it just means you don’t fight the facts on the journey to manage and cope with the facts
you don’t resist or deny reality
you embrace it
and from that place of acceptance, you take aligned action and response
or idk
maybe you throw a tantrum like a brat
fuck it
either way it doesn’t matter
choice is yours
anyway…i probably have no idea what i’m saying
also… do you notice the gen z influence over me?
i write in low caps now (lol)
i’ve had so many new reflections i wanna share with you
i also wanna revamp this website a little,
especially the “pic me ups” section of it
anyway… i won’t fill your head with nonsense any further for today
the end
What if I could wholeheartedly trust?
What if I didn’t have any doubt?
What if my trust was so great that it became synonymous with fact?
What if all I needed to do is be exactly as I am and do exactly as I do without being afraid? Without beating myself up?
What if the universe has me safe at all times? That even the dark, unsavory moments of my journey were all part of my learning plan.
What if I could just let go of trying to control all the details. What if I could just trust that the higher order of things is in alignment to my greatest good and I need not fight, squirm, or throw tantrums.
What if I could learn to just enjoy the journey. To not get so caught up in my inner struggle of “Why isn’t this happening sooner?”
If I could just breathe. Just breathe.
If I could stop rushing. Stop yearning. Stop chasing.
Why am I in such a hurry? Why am I trying to be at the destination already? Why can’t I just be okay with the process and not focus so much on the result?
If I could just be here now. If I could just learn to accept that not everything goes my way and that’s okay.
If I could master the art of simply existing.
If I could trust.
I want to trust.
I’ve been so hurt before.
And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”
I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”
Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”
I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.
All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.
It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?
I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.
I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?
Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.
I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.
I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY
I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
Have your cake and eat it too.
There’s a time for everything.
It’s okay to splurge sometimes.
Compensate.
Let each moment speak for itself.
You are renewed in each moment.
Every second offers you a chance to start on what you missed out on previously.
Appreciate what you’ve done so far.
Forgive your shortcomings.
Make the proper adjustments where necessary.
If all else fails just breath.
Go back to the basics and recreate from there.
Stop being so hard on yourself because of all the minor details. Profited is s/he who acknowledges what needs improving from a place of love rather than scorn.
Namaste.
reflectoutloud.com 
Lost and Found
Some days it feels like nothing goes my way. My jacket zipper gets stuck. I miss the train by seconds. I travel far for a project that doesn’t pan out. My hair gets brutally tangled in my necklace. I glance at the clock and suddenly I’m running late. I blindly sit on someone’s spilled coffee. A stranger’s bad breath poorly concealed by minty gum is blown towards my face. It takes the cashier 5 painful minutes to return me my change.
Is the world against me? Or am I moving too quickly and have missed the lesson here?
I watch other people pass me by and wonder if their life is easier. Maybe their zippers never get stuck.
I start thinking that if maybe I was someone else then misfortune would somehow escape me.
I know it’s ridiculous to think this – but I do it anyway. Then I come here and write about it.
Then I get over it and come back to the moment.
I play tug of war with the now and my rambling mind. The endless commentary in my head seems to win most of the battles. Yet even in the chaos of my inner world I arrive at luxurious moments of peace.
Then it’s lost again.
Then found.
Then lost.
Then found.
I realize it’s not about how many times I fall but how quickly I get up, beat the thick brown dust off my warrior body and keep on truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.
Truckin’, truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.
Just never gonna stop.