Do I dim my light to be accepted?
Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?
Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love
because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off
because I’m loved by others conditionally
Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other
I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another
To accept yourself fully, without judgement
And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.
If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself
Easier said than done, I know
but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice
A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,
without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other
To not hide or dim your light
We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7
So don’t be surprised when they’re not
It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships
Work on being okay with yourself
(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)
But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.
The love you seek from the other is already there.
Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)
Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)
If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better
If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)
This rant went on longer than I intended it to…
Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice
Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,
Except maybe Jesus?
But that’s a whole other story
Lost and Found
Some days it feels like nothing goes my way. My jacket zipper gets stuck. I miss the train by seconds. I travel far for a project that doesn’t pan out. My hair gets brutally tangled in my necklace. I glance at the clock and suddenly I’m running late. I blindly sit on someone’s spilled coffee. A stranger’s bad breath poorly concealed by minty gum is blown towards my face. It takes the cashier 5 painful minutes to return me my change.
Is the world against me? Or am I moving too quickly and have missed the lesson here?
I watch other people pass me by and wonder if their life is easier. Maybe their zippers never get stuck.
I start thinking that if maybe I was someone else then misfortune would somehow escape me.
I know it’s ridiculous to think this – but I do it anyway. Then I come here and write about it.
Then I get over it and come back to the moment.
I play tug of war with the now and my rambling mind. The endless commentary in my head seems to win most of the battles. Yet even in the chaos of my inner world I arrive at luxurious moments of peace.
Then it’s lost again.
I realize it’s not about how many times I fall but how quickly I get up, beat the thick brown dust off my warrior body and keep on truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.
Just never gonna stop.