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Alone Not Lonely

So what’s up with the stigma on being alone?

Alone doesn’t mean lonely.

I love the expression on people’s faces when they ask what I’m going to do for my birthday or thanksgiving this year and I either tell them I have no plans or am going to do something by myself.

“Gasp! What. No. You shouldn’t be by yourself.”

Why?
I love my own company.
I have no problem going out for walks on my own. Taking myself to breakfast, lunch, dinner. Showing up solo to events. Introducing myself to strangers.

I would consider myself an omnivert, which as defined by the good ol’ urban dictionary means “Someone who is an introvert and extrovert.”

I don’t care for some people.
And I don’t mean that I don’t care about them or their wellbeing – I genuinely wish everyone good. But what I mean is that some people just don’t interest me. Others annoy me. Their ideas are whatever. Meh.

It’s such a relief to own up to this truth. That I really just don’t vibe with every person. Just like every person doesn’t vibe with me.
It’s fine.
It doesn’t mean anyone is better or worse. Just different. I’m oil, you’re water – or vice versa, I don’t care. You get the picture.

I want to become more assertive.
To not laugh at people’s jokes who I don’t find funny simply as to not make it awkward.
Fuck that.

Why do I get so worried about hurting people’s feelings?

I guess I was taught to be polite. Extremely polite.

But is polite just another work for fake?
Because that’s what I’m being when I smile at your face but inside I really couldn’t care less.

I don’t want to be like that.

I think people are too sensitive.

So what if I don’t care for you and don’t agree with you? I’m not deliberately hurting you at the end of the day. I’m just living my life in my own bubble. Stop being so sensitive. Grow some skin.

I need to grow some skin too though. So I’m not one to talk too confidently on the matter of sensitivities.

I need more skin. More balls. Less fucks.

Anyway.
That’s my rant on that.

In conclusion,
down with the stigma that being alone is a bad thing. It’s not.
It’s fucking glorious if you ask me.
Obviously not all the time – that’s just some sociopath type shit.
But there’s absolutely nothing wrong with taking yourself out and simply enjoying the company of your own being.

So go. Plan a date with yourself. And fuck the haterz.

#endthestigma

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Metamorphosis: The Butterfly

What does it feel like to be a butterfly? To be born again? To leave the old life behind; old customs, old body, old places. To embrace the new and tread the allure of unfamiliar territory?

Is it something like growing out of your kiddy shoes; you know – the ones that lit up when you walked? Or like silently packing your last  sweatshirt as you whisper goodbye to the teary eyes of the person you once thought was forever?

Is it like the heavy heart and slow motion hand that unwillingly closes the novel that enraptured your soul? Or like the volcanic laughter that erupts when you hear a good joke?

Is it like the feeling of Dejavu? Or more like flipping through long forgotten memories captured in still photos stored away in the depths of your closets?

Maybe it’s like a delicious morning stretch after a sweet night’s sleep? Or perhaps like a pink-fire sunset melting into the ocean?

Or could it be a little of everything? Not so much one more than another. A bittersweet conglomerate of past, present and projected future, whose colorful eyes fiercely vibrate to the dream of you. Of you who are becoming. Of you who are awaiting to birth.

*Image credit to google images

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This is my Life

THE DESTINATION IS THE JOURNEY

This is my life – here, now; sitting and writing this message.

This is my life – here, now; rushing to catch the 2:25 train.

This is my life – here, now; walking up the narrow stairs of my workplace.

This is my life – here, now; brushing my teeth while staring at my image in the mirror.

This is my life – here, now; watching the people go by as the cars ride busily on the cramped New York City streets.

This is my life – here, now; crunching a carrot dipped in creamy, supremely spicy hummus.

This is my life – here, now; listening to my favorite jams while completing an intense cardio workout.

This is my life – here, now; crossed legged, sipping on a cool drink as tender winds play with my senses.

There is no place to run to that is outside  the now. This is your life – here, now. Whatever you are doing here and now – that is the entirety of your life. Life is now. The next moment is no guarantee. The future is not yet come and once it does it will be in the now. The past occurred in the now. All there is is now. All your life is now.

You have already arrived. Don’t frazzle yourself as you race to some end – because this is IT.

#thedestinationisthejourney

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Lost and Found

Some days it feels like nothing goes my way. My jacket zipper gets stuck. I miss the train by seconds. I travel far for a project that doesn’t pan out. My hair gets brutally tangled in my necklace. I glance at the clock and suddenly I’m running late. I blindly sit on someone’s spilled coffee. A stranger’s bad breath poorly concealed by minty gum is blown towards my face. It takes the cashier 5 painful minutes to return me my change.

Is the world against me? Or am I moving too quickly and have missed the lesson here?

I watch other people pass me by and wonder if their life is easier. Maybe their zippers never get stuck.

I start thinking that if maybe I was someone else then misfortune would somehow escape me.

I know it’s ridiculous to think this – but I do it anyway. Then I come here and write about it.

Then I get over it and come back to the moment.

I play tug of war with the now and my rambling mind. The endless commentary in my head seems to win most of the battles. Yet even in the chaos of my inner world I arrive at luxurious moments of peace.
Then it’s lost again.
Then found.
Then lost.
Then found.

I realize it’s not about how many times I fall but how quickly I get up, beat the thick brown dust off my warrior body and keep on truckin’.

Truck, truck, truckin’.
Truckin’, truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.

Just never gonna stop.

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Tired of Being Tired

And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.

I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.

I am tired of pretending for you.

Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.

I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.

And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.

I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.

I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.

I am tired of being tired.

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Aware

I am aware of myself. I am aware of being aware.

I question the motivations behind my actions. When I’m not satisfied with an insight I look deeper into myself to challange my thoughts. I don’t like it when I realize that I am doing things for selfish reasons. Like wearing a sexy outfit to get attention. Then I ask, “What’s wrong with a little attention? Isn’t life supposed to be fun?”

“Is that your idea of “fun”? Being all sexy for attention!?” Says my conscience in a condemning tone.

“Well… Yeah… It’s kinda fun. Looking all spicy and all.”

“Shame on you.”

“Shame on YOU for thinking ‘shame on you’ for something so natural. Do not the peacocks flaunt their feathers?”

 

I can back and forth with similar dialogues in my own mind for hours. An entire drama in my head. I guess  that’s one  way to save money on theatre.

 

 

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Live

Sometimes I spend so much time trying to figure out my life that I don’t actually LIVE my life.

LIVE your life!
Just listen to music and flow off into the moment. Flow into the present and just let it consume you in its all-encompassing, loving arms.

In that space – in the space of the now – there’s just no room for worry. There’s no room for analyzing. There’s no room for thinking about shoulds. No room for regrets. No room for intrusive thoughts. There’s just this feeling – this feeling of tranquility. This feeling of peace. This feeling that things are okay and that they’re gonna be okay. This feeling of enoughness.

I just breath in deep.
And it feels so fresh.
So filling.
So satisfying.
It is so delightful to just flow in this space.

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Vibe With The Scales of Your Life

You don’t have to be happy all the time.
There are things in life that are sad. There are difficult moments. Frustrating moments.

Yes, it’s freaking sad when you lose people you love. It’s sad when things don’t go well at work. It’s sad when your kids are out of control and you don’t know what to do about it. It’s sad when people betray us, lie to us, leave us. It’s sad when sad things happen.

It’s crazy to think that you must be happy ALL THE TIME.

Sometimes you gotta just cry.
Sometimes you gotta just be like “whoa, my life REALLY SUCKS right now.”

This is called acceptance.
Acceptance of what is.

When you resist whatever emotion or whatever situation is happening in your life you only add to the pain already present.
Acceptance, however, allows you to be present with whatever happens in your life.
If you think you need to be happy ALL the time, then you end up abandoning yourself anytime you don’t feel happy. You run away from your emotions. You tell yourself “Oh, no, I don’t feel happy, so there is something wrong.”
Let me tell you right now, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG!!!!!
Feelings are part of life – ALL FEELINGS. Not just the high vibration, “good” ones, but also the low vibration “bad” ones.

You wanna think about this like music.
There are many instruments. Many tones. Many pitches. Many scales. Can you imagine if there was only high pitches in music!? It would feel empty! It would be missing that bass! That deep, RAWR like sound that just brings it all together like a yummy, wholesome meal!

Lol… “I’m all about that bass, about that bass, no treble” (Meghan Trainor)!

^ *Random!* 🙈

But seriously! We gotta take it all in. We can’t abandon ourselves when we feel sad. If you feel sad, angry, upset, THESE ARE ALL VALID EMOTIONS!
What you wanna do is accept that that’s how you feel. Accept that, damn, things aren’t the best right now – but you know what? It is what it is! And I accept this moment fully, wholeheartedly, just the way it is.

What is powerful about acceptance is that you don’t abandon your feelings when they come up. You just sit there with them and allow them to be without making yourself feel like they are wrong and that you should feel happy, joyful, or whatever else instead.
Naturally, as all things, that emotion will pass. You WILL get to a different point in time where you will feel better. When you DO feel better, that is the time to start thinking about what you wish to change in your life and assess where you want to be and what you want to do.

You will NEVER rid yourself of low moods – (because there is no high without low – the piano is a complete scale!) you will only grow to the point of being able to become less attached, and therefore, able to flow in and out of different emotional states with more ease. You will be able to DANCE to the BEAT of your life! Without blaming, judging, or hating yourself for being and feeling the way you do.

YOU ROCK! YOU ROCK ALL THOSE TONES OF YOUR LIFE! High and low!
Up and down the scale of the piano of your life :)!!

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Dance With Your Life

“Everything – the good and bad, pleasure and pain, approval and disapproval, achievements and mistakes, fame and shame – all come and go. Everything has a beginning and an ending and that’s the way it’s supposed to be.” – Richard Carlson

Life can be so unpredictable. One moment you are sitting there smiling, sipping some coffee – the next you’re in tears because of unexpected events beyond your control.

We cannot control what happens outside of us. A plate breaks, someone yells at you in traffic, a woman cuts you in line at the grocery store, your company downsizes and you are cut from the team, the kids are in trouble at school, there is a sickness in the family, the list is endless. Nevertheless, you can control how you react to your external circumstances.

When you live your life from the inside out, you finally come to a place where you always have control. You always have a choice when it comes to your internal feelings about the chaos going on all around you. Life will hand you curve balls. Inevitably, something will eventually go wrong, and it is at this moment where you can breathe and tell yourself “I am in control of how I respond and of how feel about this situation.” You can think to yourself, “Will I react by feeling defeated, angry, and upset? Or will I let go, breathe and invite peace into my heart as I take deliberate, intuitive steps to bring myself out of this situation?” You always have the power to choose the latter. You do not have to choose to feel bad when the car breaks down or when you lose your job or whatever other difficulty. It may not be easy at first to realize that you have the power within you to switch from painful reactions to peaceful ones. But with practice and awareness you will come to see that you do have a choice as to what you harbor in your internal space and how you will react to your external world.

Life will always hand us troubles and because of this it is important to become a peaceful warrior. Challenges are opportunities for our growth. We learn from our mistakes and from our difficult circumstances. We learn to let go and realize that when one door closes it also opens new doors of opportunities. One day, we will all eventually let go of everything – this is called death – the total letting go of all. So why not practice now? Let go of painful reactions and embrace peaceful responses that allow you to dance with the unexpected maneuvers of life rather than battle with them only to bring yourself more pain. Dance with your life!

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