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boredom

Buck wild

I think it’s time I go buck wild.

Intentionally, mindfully.

Post the content. Take the trip. Tell the neighbor he is so damn hot it should be illegal to be that hot.

We’re all dying…time and space just hasn’t caught up yet.

Don’t waste your life freaking out. Worrying about things that life will sort out anyway in time – believe that. Even if you don’t know the way forward, don’t you worry darling, life does. Life does.

So dance. Love. Laugh. Smile. Do a nice little thing for the next person.

You matter. You’re magnificent.

—

I don’t want to live some boring life, pay some bills and die.

Nah… I want to send little messages out in the world to SAY YOU ARE MAGIC.

I want to dance on the sidewalk, drink a little too much wine on a Wednesday night and wake up early anyway to go to yoga. I want to book a random flight to Italy. Get a tattoo in Bali. Drive across the country and scream “I LOVE YOU” to the stars out of the car window. I want to tip the barista a little too much just because. Hey, I’ll even text my ex. BUCK WILD BABY BUCK WILD!!!

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Boredom

I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.

I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.

But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.

I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.

Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.

Can I have it all?

Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?

I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.

I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.

I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.

I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…

What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.

I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.

May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!

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Alone

Ok. I need you to understand that you ARE alone

you are alone

read it again…

you ARE alone

You can have people around you
You can even be having sex
but you ALONE are experiencing what you experience

Yes there is someone next to you
But you ALONE are having that experience

There is no one else within you but you
Each being is its own being

When you get comfortable with this truth
You can learn to stop trying to get an external thing to ultimately fulfill you
Because there is no external thing that could

I do think that perhaps there are more ideal external circumstances
Environments that are more conducive to feelings of happiness and joy, comfort, fulfillment

Like being at a beautiful beach with your beloved sipping a mojito will be much more delightful than getting your foot bitten off by a shark

So yes – there are perhaps more favorable external circumstances

But it doesn’t change that in all circumstances – favorable, unfavorable or in between — you ALONE are the ONE experiencing the experience

Get comfortable with your own company
You don’t need to go anywhere or find anyone or anything in order to BE

You already are
and “wherever you go, there you are”

Be okay with you, whether you are standing at the grocery store, sitting on the toilet, making love, sitting in traffic or bored in your room with nothing to do for the evening.

Just fucking be okay with yourself already, alright???

You are alone. That’s it, there’s nothing to be resolved there. Being alone is not a problem.

Being alone does not have to mean lonely.
Loneliness does not happen only as a result of being alone. You can be in a crowd of people and still feel lonely. You can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.

Feeling lonely and being alone are two different things

You can be alone in the shower singing joyfully to your shampoo bottles and feel perfectly fine

And you can also be alone and feel lonely

lonely is a feeling
Alone is what you are

and it shouldn’t scare you that you are alone (you already ARE… and look at you now, just reading these words all fine and shit in your aloness. See? It’s not scary. You’re fine. YOU’RE FINE)

The fact that you are alone and you can just BE in your lonesome, that should empower you not scare you

You are your guarantee

Even when everyone and everything falls away, you will still be the ONE it all falls away from, and who will be there on the other side of it all? Yep. You got — YOU.

Until you fall away too and it all fades to nothing, but that’s a whole other story

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Ugh

I’ve been replaying the same song over and over.

Thinking how it isn’t fair that I’m the one on the waiting end of the spectrum.

I obviously know better. That isolating myself from others and listening to sappy music is not the recipe for feeling better.

But I’mma sit here and do it anyway.
Because obviously I want to feel this way.

There are days where I feel open. Excited. Connected. Aligned.

And then there are days where I’m like meh.

This is normal.

Sometimes I fall from grace. I get in my own way. I block my own self.

I get lost in my head. In entertaining my limiting thoughts. Forgetting that I have access to purpose and  source at any point in time as long as I tune into it.

*Breathes*

I know, I know it’s all okay. But right now I want to be a baby about it for a little bit.

 

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Waiting

I think waiting is probably one of my least favorite human experiences. 

Waiting in a long line. Waiting for a job offer. Waiting for traffic to clear. For the computer to do its goddam update at the most inconvenient possible time. Waiting for my nails to dry. For the lasagna to bake all the way through.

And worst yet, waiting to hear back from you.  

kthfishfiusgdfudyfgalsoifjsdlfh. 

That’s how I feel about that.

Boredom. It’s a thing.

There’s so much I could be doing with this moment. Productive activities that could probably propel me into some better future but instead I ‘m just sitting here feeling antsy AF. 

Procrastinating. 

Getting nowhere fast. Getting nothing done.

Or at least nothing that seems of value. 

I go back and forth between thinking there’s this greater cosmic plan than my own for my life or that maybe I’m just fucking delusional.  I wonder if perhaps worrying, freaking out, or trying to control all the details is just a waste of my life’s time because everything is going to be just fine.

And then I tell myself  that entertaining this grandiose idea of a “higher plan” is probably me just trying to rationalize my way into being okay with being lazy.  Making excuses for myself to not feel so bad about putting off the work I know I need to be doing in order to up-level my circumstances. 

I worked 40 hours a week for the man in order to produce results. I need to work at least the same for myself If I’m going to make this “be my own boss” thing happen. 

It’s so easy to get distracted. To pretend to be “busy” when really I’m just procrastinating. 

Waiting to see you again… 

Unfocused. Uninspired. Lazy bitch. 

 

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Preferences

Some moments are better than others.

I prefer when we’re driving in the car on a sunny day blasting our favorite music on our way to an adventure.

But it’s in the mundane moments when I’m forced to entertain tasks that I rather not be doing that I find true appreciation for my favored moments.

It’s through the cold that I find appreciation for the warmth. 
It’s through the dark night that I find appreciation for the day light. 

The secret is in being okay with what is. To stop longing for more than what is. 

Sure, I rather not have to stand in a long line at the supermarket at a moment when my bladder is full and my stomach is empty making me feel crabby. 

Sure, I rather not have to sit in a dentist chair, mouth wide open while sharp metal objects poke at my teeth. 

Sure, I rather not have to read 50 pages of a boring chapter in an overpriced textbook the professor chose to assign. 

Sure, I rather not have to clean the tomato sauce I accidentally spilled all over the floor also shattering the mason jar it was held in into pieces.

These unsavory moments are also part of life. 

Fighting them, wanting to escape, only adds to the uneasy feeling of yearning to be in those moments where it feels like  “Ahhhh. Yes. This is it.”

But this is life. And it is both up, down, dark, light, exciting, mundane, and everything in between. 
 
 

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Ups, Downs, and in Betweens

There are moments in time where I feel so bored and so blah about life and where I am headed. I start thinking about all the things that went wrong and how I should have taken action earlier. I ruminate.

Yesterday I heard a powerful message by Shirly Joy Weiss, where she reminds us of how normal this act of having negative thoughts is. She goes on to say that it would be a joke to think that we, as humans, wouldn’t experience negative thoughts and emotions. She reinforces that it would be a joke to think that even spiritual teachers themselves don’t go through difficult moments and have negative thoughts and emotions. She recalls to us that this is a fact of life and it’s one of the most normal of experiences. Hearing her reaffirm these statements just made me feel so much better about being human. It’s ok to be bored sometimes. It’s ok to have negative thoughts. All these things come and go. Even the positive thoughts come and go. Our thoughts don’t define us – not the positive, not the negative. We will experience highs, lows, neutrals, in betweens and all else in the spectrum. This is what it means to be alive. To experience. To learn. To be.

We just have to flow with it and remind ourselves that we are so much more than our thoughts and we have to continue to persevere. Let’s persevere together! We can overcome our obstacles and not feel bad because sometimes we fall a little short. We’re human! It’s part of the program!

We got this. Let’s keep on moving! Keep on dancing to the beat of our beautifully unique soul!

WE ROCK!

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