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Late Night Cries

I’m wiping tears off my face
Wet eye lashes create a slight glow on my vision

I’m pausing to get my words together

Will I ever get it right?
Will I ever “figure it out”?
Will I ever get to that point where I feel really comfortable in my skin, in my life & feeling really proud of what I’ve accomplished, of what I’ve created?

Or will I never make it?
Will I never be fully actualized & certain of myself and my path?

At times I feel so disappointed,
Disappointed with some of the choices I’ve made
At all the time I’ve wasted being stupid,
But mostly disappointed with the existential place I find myself in
Not believing in anything concretely
Not having much of a ground to stand on other than “I exist, but I don’t know why”

Reality feels like an empty place, devoid of true meaning other than the meaning we give it
And I don’t know why that makes it devoid of meaning?

Maybe because I don’t value the value we humans give to things

This goes back to my issues with the belief in God
That belief has been shattered and left me very skeptical


There is as an intelligence embedded in the fabric of reality
There is something obviously happening here
And I suppose we can say that the totality of all that there is, the full universal energy/source/reality itself is “God.”

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person. I wish I could just talk about the weather, the latest lulu lemon leggings and not be so preoccupied with the nature of reality or the meaning of existence

I don’t even want to share this anymore…
I’ve stopped crying
And my emotional outburst has now passed

Energy changes
Emotions change
Everything changes

Moping

You don’t have to feel bad for feeling down. You don’t have to search for a way out like if there is something wrong with you for feeling down. Truth is – you’re feeling down because there is something crappy going on. Life’s a bitch, in part. So if you feel down at times, you are rightfully reacting exactly the way you should. There is nothing wrong with that. Life isn’t happy everyday (unfortunately) — sometimes life is sad.

Sometimes you just have to sit there and feel sad. Just cry. Just feel miserable and let your soul just pour out of you like an open faucet. Cry for as long as you need to. Mope for as long as you need to.

I just spent the last 6-7 hours moping. I cried for a good hour. Now I feel less heavy – though still sad about some things I want to see change for me. (Don’t feel bad for me if you do – crying is normal – we should do it when needed. This is why I am writing this – to say “don’t feel bad for the bad times, they’re normal.”)

I am making a to do list for tomorrow and will begin to work on my desired changes so I no longer have to feel sad about what’s bugging me. Some things I know I can’t change (like never getting sick or never getting old), so I must learn to make peace with what I can’t change and change what I can. Work in progress.

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