I’m wiping tears off my face
Wet eye lashes create a slight glow on my vision
I’m pausing to get my words together
Will I ever get it right?
Will I ever “figure it out”?
Will I ever get to that point where I feel really comfortable in my skin, in my life & feeling really proud of what I’ve accomplished, of what I’ve created?
Or will I never make it?
Will I never be fully actualized & certain of myself and my path?
At times I feel so disappointed,
Disappointed with some of the choices I’ve made
At all the time I’ve wasted being stupid,
But mostly disappointed with the existential place I find myself in
Not believing in anything concretely
Not having much of a ground to stand on other than “I exist, but I don’t know why”
Reality feels like an empty place, devoid of true meaning other than the meaning we give it
And I don’t know why that makes it devoid of meaning?
Maybe because I don’t value the value we humans give to things
This goes back to my issues with the belief in God
That belief has been shattered and left me very skeptical
There is as an intelligence embedded in the fabric of reality
There is something obviously happening here
And I suppose we can say that the totality of all that there is, the full universal energy/source/reality itself is “God.”
Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person. I wish I could just talk about the weather, the latest lulu lemon leggings and not be so preoccupied with the nature of reality or the meaning of existence
I don’t even want to share this anymore…
I’ve stopped crying
And my emotional outburst has now passed