A day without you feels like an eternity.
But I don’t want to get carried away.
I’ve done that and it led me to fall off a cliff I’m still licking the wounds from.
How do you remain balanced — centered, when all you want to do is get deeply lost in love?
To lose track of time and just rest my head on your shoulder while you tell me about your next business endeavor. I could listen forever.
I’m already getting carried away. Apparently I can’t help it… something about the way my astral chart is positioned apparently makes me “romantic and impractical.” #Thepattern. Sounds about right.
Anyway…I’m kinda mad. Mad that I am in a human body and not just floating in space like magical fairy dust.
These bodies just feel so dense and this world so full of nonsensical demands, I’m kinda over it.
How is it that with all our brilliance the best we’ve got is sick time, PTO, and bills?
Why aren’t our systems set up to support us to actually live? It breaks my heart seeing mothers who would want to raise their babies having to leave their babies to go do a job just to get by. Families being split up during the day when they would much rather be together, raising their babies.
Don’t get me started.
Anyway, I am dreaming up a non-profit. One where we volunteer our labor to construct each other’s homes. I’d call it “The Volunteer Society”. We could raise funds to acquire construction materials. We would come together as a collective and volunteer our time and labor to create gorgeous homes for each other. All we need is each other. The Earth has already provided what we need.
I have a lot of great ideas but often not a lot of energy for execution or enough support. A problem I keep running into that makes it very heavy for me and sometimes makes me want to give up hope.
Anyway………….
I’m in love, as usual. With you, with me, with life, with everything….
And also in despair at times…..
Bleh.
Must keep believing.
It all still feels so far away and I feel like I am failing.
Feelings aren’t facts though, so gotta watch out for the cognitive trap of “emotional reasoning”.
Idk. Nothing is a guarantee anyway.
Keepin’ the faith though. Keepin’ the faith.
There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
—
Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
Lately I’ve been feeling all the feels I might as well be a musical scale.
But sadness is this underlying feeling that never really leaves. It’s always there. “I’m sad” “I’m sad” “I’m sad” plays in my head like tape recorder.
Sometimes I ask the voice why does it feel sad.
It tells me “all the reasons there is to be sad about.”
It’s annoying. Why do I have to feel so much? Then I feel guilty for calling it annoying rather than accepting my experience without judgement. I get sad for being sad. Then I’m double sad.
I’m sad for the suffering in the world. For the people who struggle. For my brother whose mental health has struggled and for all that ailed him in his life.
For the children who starve while Louis Voitton just sold another $2,600 hand bag. Are you fucking kidding me? What are we doing?
No shade to Louis or expensive handbags, but is that what really matters when there are people who can’t even eat a meal tonight?
What happened to your heart, human?
We shame and judge one another. We’re mean. We have guns and wars. We’re still so immature.
I’m sad.
I’m sad because of my own humanity. My own faults. My own shortcomings. My inability to save the world or even myself.
So I’m sitting with myself and my sins. Learning to accept what is without judgement and from this space do the best I can as best I can. Though it feels like it’s never enough. It’s like trying to put out a fire with a teaspoon of water. WTF is me and my little teaspoon really gonna do?
But perhaps if we united our forces. If we each brought a little cup. A little teaspoon. A bucket. A handful. A droplet. A case. A jet. A plane. A prayer. A whatever you can — maybe then we could see the results of a better world.
Will you help be the change?
I dunno man… and then what’s it all for anyway?
Health, peace, freedom, love is what I hope.
I oscillate between sadness, joy, anger, peace, love, hope, disappointment, frustration, fear, excitement, awe, hope, and sadness again.
The sadness gets in my way. It stops me from taking action. I can’t let it.
God, if you’re real will you help me and the world? I may not have all the strength in me but if you’re real and if you’re good and if you can hear me maybe you can please help.
I’ve been exploring this feeling of boredom. It’s a feeling I get from time to time when I crave more excitement, more stimulation. I want to be in multiple places at once. I wish I could both be responsible and wildly carefree. I wish I could be dancing in a crowd but also quietly writing a book.
Sometimes I feel like I am stuck because I’ve fallen into the same old patterns – the same routines.
Life becomes predictable.
I like the predictable. It feels safe and safe feels good.
But then I also get bored. I wish for spontaneity. I want to do something out of the norm. Something that makes me feel euphoric. Alive.
I’m in a relationship but sometimes I wish I were single. Able to just go out into the night to get myself into whatever adventurous shenanigans the moment may have to offer.
Then I think about the comfort of a companion. The nice feeling of having “accomplishments.” Healthy habits. Saving for retirement. Thinking about the bigger picture, my desire to help society.
Can I have it all?
Sometimes I just wanna fade. Melt into the ether. Lay on top of a jeep on a REI mattress waving my hand in the air underneath the stars in the deserts of California on a perfectly warm night. It would be nice if you were there. It would be nice to hear your philosophies. Do you think God is watching us? Do you think aliens exist? Do you think there is life beyond this?
I’d like to go to Burning Man some day.
I’d like to explore more of my freedom. More of myself. More of who I am. More of who you are.
I find humans to be curious creatures. We are so silly sometimes.
I am a ball of emotions. Sadness, joy, anger, fear, peace, rage, boredom. All the things…
What a wild ride. What an experience. What a life. What a world. Just wow. Contemplating it all blows me away every time. It reminds me not to become apathetic, even though I’ve had moments of that too.
I don’t want to lose sight of the magic.
I don’t want to lose sight of hope.
I don’t want to lose sight of love, beauty, faith, joy, all that’s good.
May we be the best humans we can be and may we co-create a good world we are happy to wake up to. Just one big ol’ party. What more epic thing to make of this experience? One big fun, adventurous party!!
Being human is such a wild ride
That’s all I have for today…
Jk.
I’d also like to add that I am FEELING so much and that I’m praying for a breakthrough.
Who am I? What am I doing? What is it all for?
JUST TELL ME THE ANSWERS.
I’m tired of so many aspects of our world as we have it.
I’m tired of myself too.
Of my insecurities, fear, uncertainty, indecision and dense energy.
I’m also tired of my complaining. It’s so annoying.
Living with yourself when you’re annoying af is annoying af.
What else?
I’m trying to see the picture and get the point.
They say “Trust the process”. They say “Just be patient.”
It’s so tough to pour your heart into something and see no return.
It’s like I’m being tested. It’s like I’m delusional.
What are we doing?
The more I learn the more I’m shocked at how unconscious we are. The more you see the more light shines through and it all starts making sense.
The dots connect.
Ugh.
I don’t even wanna share this.
I was also ashamed about the last post I created here.
But this was meant to be a place for my unfiltered thoughts for you to see. And now I’m justifying.
I wanted to tell you about my anger too.
But also, about love, hope and trust.
But I’m tired now so I’ll leave you with this…
I think there’s power in our thoughts.
There’s power in our energy
and I’m having a hard time calibrating mine. I don’t know who I am and what I want, or what the whole point even is. And why does it have to be so dramatic and intense for me? Why do I burden myself with needing to figure out this mystery of life?
To be continued.
Today I am feeling grateful
My body feels relaxed and the temperature outside feels comfortable to my body
I can see the stars from the porch where I’m sitting
I’m clean from a shower and today was a good day
my tummy is adequately full and my body is nourished
ahhhh
how it feels good to take a deep breath and to truly delight in the beauty of a good moment
where your heart is content and your physical body wants for nothing
moments like these are magic
moments like these are precious
I want more peaceful moments to exist for people…
sometimes I think about the others who are struggling and my heart hurts. I want to be able to help more of the world, because I believe we should all enjoy a good life and have as many good moments as possible
I hope we humans become more mature,
less animalistic and a bit more conscious
conscious of our emotions, our thoughts and the impact we have on each other and the world
the more we can learn about ourselves and each other the more we can have understanding and compassion
We all share this planet, we all bleed red
and I believe if we worked more collaboratively, with the understanding we are all part of the puzzle, the more awesome we could really make this life on Earth
anyway… I went on a tangent there
And here’s another one…
Wtf is going on though? What really is this life? What really is all this?
Today I remembered that my favorite aunt died last year…and it reminded me that this life is temporary
it also reminded me that bad things happen sometimes, and it’s like UGH what an interesting experience this is — this life thing… there’s some awesome things but also some really shitty, crappy, painful things that happen… BLEH! What an interesting THING this all is.
Sigh…
I have so much to say but sometimes don’t have the words
Thank you for this incredible experience
Forgive me for my faults, my mistakes, my humanity, my immaturity, my fears, my doubt, my shame, my shortcomings
my desire is to do the best I can and hope for the best,
and I’m sorry that my best sometimes is kind of shitty because I’m just not perfect
sometimes I’m lazy
sometimes I’m scared
sometimes I’m ignorant
sometimes I’m stubborn
sometimes I’m in my ego or too in my pride and avoid humility
sometimes I let the worst parts of me win and I can’t help it
but in my heart I know that I want nothing more than for everything and everyone to be safe and okay, and for all to be well and good… because why would anyone want the opposite of that?
I also think I’m a hypocrite sometimes
because how can I even say I’m a good and “conscious minded” person if I still eat meat
I’m over here preaching love and light yet eating animals that haven’t died of natural cause, wtf is that about? Something I still want to work on in this life time
anyway, enough of my nonsense for the day
thanks for being here
I wanna be justified in my anger
I didn’t ask to be here
I didn’t ask to exist
yet here I am
and at times I get angry
when things don’t go my way
when I feel wronged
when I see injustice in the world
when I see the suffering of people
when I see my own suffering
and when I want to brew and stew in the desire to be right
to be in my ego
to be in my pride
to sit in the pool of my own fury
to fester
to pout
to stomp my feet
to want to run, hide, scream, attack, and throw a tantrum
I also get angry at being angry
because I should know better,
be more mature
as if being angry was wrong, or bad or something I shouldn’t feel
because I must be good, kind, sweet — always
not angry
no
that isn’t right
is it?
Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to
Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe
Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward
Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go
Remember you are your guarantee
All things will come and go
All things will pass
You will be the one who stays
What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary
B R E A T H E
Your breath is with you
You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable
You are with you
You are enough
What is meant to be will be
You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go
Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else
You are there
and you are enough
You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space
You are whole
You are there
Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another
You can fill yourself up with love
Your love
You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens
You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments
B R E A T H E
DEEP B R E A T H
You are okay
and will be okay
Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete
The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this
Hold yourself through the change
Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you
Hold
There is a part of me who wants to throw a tantrum like a kid who doesn’t get the candy at the store
Sometimes you do everything you can and STILL don’t get what you want
at least not right away, in the timing you want, in the way you want
and that’s upsetting as heck
so I stand with you right now
and I stand with all of us who have felt the pain of a wish unfulfilled
Acceptance
Surrender
Those are the remedy words
It’s true – it doesn’t work sometimes
It’s true – you give it your all and life still says “no”
It’s true – plans don’t always go according to plan
So I breathe
complain
throw a tantrum or two
and go back to the drawing board
The vision is the same, but maybe the pathway is different
or maybe I just surrender altogether
I didn’t make the universe
I didn’t make my body
I don’t make my heart beat
I’m not the one pushing the hands of time forward
so why do I think I need to exert so much force to see things go MY WAY
Maybe if I just release my grip I could let things naturally unfold
SIGH
I don’t know…
I surrender
while at the same time I’ll keep myself open to the way forward
taking action
and hoping for the best
Taking action
and trusting for the best
It’s fair to be upset when things don’t work out
It’s fair to be hurt when you feel cheated
Honor the feelings
Honor your emotions
Honor the ups, downs and in betweens
Let the pieces fall into place
Sometimes we want to ffwd to the good
and have little tolerance for the not good
But apparently life is both good and not good and all the shades in between
and to live is to experience all of it….
For today, I give up control and simply let life show the way forward
oh but one more thing
Sometimes I notice I have a hand to play on how things play out in my life by the way I react to scenarios – my reactions have consequences and those consequences seem to point to where I’m currently at in my development and consciousness
But that’s a whole other topic….
On a side note,
Thank you for being here
reflectoutloud.com 