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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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emotions

Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

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Mean

I said mean things to you and I’m sorry. Underneath I’m just so scared to tell you how I really feel because if you knew I loved you then you’d run.

I toss between giving in too much and holding back.

I hate being in this place. Of wanting so much to say I love you, mean it, show you, and have it be returned.

You say mean things to me too. You make me anxious. Nervous. And unsure of myself.

I can’t always tell if it’s coming from me or coming from you. If you’re the one who makes me feel this way or if it’s within me.

I was so happy at first. Thinking everything I’ve wanted I had found in such a magical, coinciding way.

And now I’m unsure. I don’t know. And I’m just sitting here feeling sad, lost, and confused.

Is It Me? Or Is It You?

I can’t quite tell if it’s me or if it’s you.

Who’s making me feel not quite right. Not quite at ease.

It feels as if I have one foot forward one foot back. Like I can’t let go of the railing for fear that I may end up falling but with only the ground to catch me.

There’s this unspoken sense that I’m not quite enough. Where am I getting this from? Is it me or is it you?

Am I feeling this way because something within me needs to change or because you’re triggering me to feel this way?

I don’t always like the way I feel around you. The shy, uneasy, insecure parts of me shine most when you’re near.

But it gives me opportunity to practice. To practice not giving a fuck. Because how else will I learn?

I’m at this weird tipping point where it feels like I need to make a more clear decision about us. My hunch is that I need to step away.  But then I go back and forth on the matter.

Maybe I need to chill the fuck out and stop being so emotional, needy, and insecure.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think having emotions and needs is normal, though.
I also think we all feel insecure from time to time. It’s called being “human.”

I think what I’m really trying to say is that I need to better manage my shit.

I’m also super hard on myself.

Radical self-acceptance. That’s what my life coach said I need.

That’ll be my daily practice.

Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

Be Present With Uneasiness

I notice how uneasy I feel.

How I’m trying to scramble for validation.

“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”

I observe it.

I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.

Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.

So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.

I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.

This is my experience.

A lot of my issues stem from attachment.

Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?

Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.

It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.

So you’re back to the drawing board.

I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.

It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.

I’m breathing. I’m breathing.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m crying. I’m crying.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m scared. I’m scared.

I am holding my heart.

I’m breathing. And it’s okay.

Just Because

Not much to report but I felt like writing anyway.

Well, actually…some big changes.

I’m moving apartments.

I’m also getting ready to quit my job and take life in a new direction.

Additionally, giving less fucks about people who are shitty.

Those are my updates in a nutshell.

I’m hoping that 2019 will be a year of success. I’ll be intentionally laying the foundation for it to be so.

But things are still moving at glacier speeds, though moving nonetheless.

Or perhaps they’re moving at just the right speed but my impatient ass wants everything done yesterday.

My self diagnosed high functiong depression persists. But I do everything I can to kick it to the curb along with its ugly cousin anxiety.

I’m fine. For the most part… minus the occasional wave of depression mixed with a sprinkle of panic that smacks me in the face literally outta nowhere.

Ouch.

And then there are days when I’m genuinely feeling excellent. Chipper as can be. Especially when the sun kisses my skin and I’m free to design my day as I please. Ahhh, yes. More please!

I have a great feeling about this summer.

I’m going to immerse myself in plenty of activities. I’m also cutting down doing work that I don’t enjoy for money and focusing on what I do enjoy.

I acknowledge that moods are transient. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s fine.

I just gotta trust that everything will be okay. And I do. Despite the times doubt creeps in like a light flickered in the distance.

Then I shrug that shit off and keep it moving.

Faith. Hope. Ease. Flow.

Those are words I want to focus deeply on as my year unfolds.

 

Namaste 🙏🏼

Just Venting… Out Loud

You ever just play old songs you’d listen to back in your teenage years and get bombarded by memories of your upbringing?

I’m reliving the past in the present through music.

My heart grows heavy. 

I remember being little always wanting to get away. Grow up. Be on my own.

Well, here I am…

I do love my freedom.

But what have I done with it?

I am building more clarity as each day unfolds. 
My biggest issue is around my angst to already be where I want to be.
Things are not happening fast enough. Not happening in my timing. 

It feels like I am sitting in dead stop traffic, occasionally being able to move forward at about 5 miles per hour. 

*Breathes*

I know I just have to be patient. 

It’s a time of learning to wait.

[crosses arms and throws tantrum]

Yes. I’m going to complain about it.
But only for a little bit. 

To get it out. 
Because I need to acknowledge my feelings.
I need to say “I feel FRUSTRATED…. and it’s okay.”
 

I also know that my feelings aren’t necessarily accurate. I just sometimes grow extreme and get in my head becoming blinded by emotions that block my better reason.  It FEELS like I am getting nowhere, but in reality I’ve accomplished so much. I’ve come so far. This is what I need to acknowledge so that I don’t dig myself into a hole that FEELS otherwise. Just because something feels a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true.  Feelings come and go. 

Right now I need more: Patience. Trust. Faith.

Trust is another big lesson for me. 

*Breathes*

Letting go of control.

*Breathes*

Doing what I can do. Letting go of the rest.

I know it’ll get better. 
I just wish better was today.

*BREATHES*
*SIGHS*

Okay. I’ve complained. I’ve pouted. I threw my little tantrum.

Now I’m gonna roll up my sleeves and get back to it.

[turns old sappy music off] 

*image credit to me.me

Emotions and Self Love Reflections

For a while I’ve been recording videos to myself about the random shit I think about throughout time — ya know, stuff like my feelings and what the heck am I gonna do with my life.

Sigh. Woe is me.

These videos were never meant to be shared. They were for my purposes. To see myself progress through time and to process my internal dialogue OUT LOUD.

BUT now… here is a compilation for your eyes and ears in blurry, perfectly imperfect quality!

 

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