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emotions

Memory

I still think of you from time to time

sometimes memories are triggered without invite

Like today… when I glanced over the dish rack and noticed I lined up the plates the way you would…

or occasionally when dubstep shuffles it’s way into my playlist…

and from time to time when I reflect on the mistakes I’ve made and how I could have been better

or when I regret staying for so long when early on I could already tell it probably wouldn’t work

I’m sorry for not being perfect.
Thank you for the lessons.
Thank you for the good memories despite the bad ones.

I wish you well…

~*~*~*~*~

Sometimes I get the urge to text you to tell you you can still count on me…
sometimes I want to tell you about things I’m learning…
sometimes I wanna send you funny things I see on the internet and wish we could still talk

but then I’m like nah fuck that,
because there is still this little part of me that is upset by the bullshit you put me through – which technically is the bullshit I was the one who kept accepting — so who is really to blame?

*sigh*

I guess maybe I’m not yet fully healed from it
and in some ways I feel like the bullshit was necessary for me to learn to do better and be better

I hope you are doing better too

despite the bullshit, I still love you
not like a lover now… but like a human and a friend


the memory of your smile is one of my favorites and I hope you are smiling a lot out there…

…..

sigh

it’s weird when you have let go of someone you love…

:’-(

Suffering

Life has its beautiful moments
but it also serves us a fair share of suffering

This post is to acknowledge the suffering

Today I find myself in tears
thick, warm droplets stream down my cheeks
paper towels soaked of the storms from my eyes
though I can’t identify exactly why

But if I tried to explain why it would sound a little something along the lines of: existential dread combined with feeling lost, pressures of needing to be productive yet feeling suffocated creatively, while also recovering from being sick this week

Having been sick this week has once again reminded me of the finitude of life
That life is unpredictable and fragile
That our destination is to each day age some more and each day get closer to death

And I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that it’s sad to be sick
It’s sad when we go through moments of struggle

It’s sad when we see the people we love struggle, age, get sick and die

It’s sad going through loss
It’s sad going through heart break
It’s sad losing the things you’ve worked so hard for
It’s sad going through financial struggles
It’s sad when things are sad


Existence also comes with sadness


So I’d like to take a moment to sit with the sadness
and to admit that life isn’t just beautiful
It’s also hard… and it’s also sad

-Meseeks, photo credit to illustrators of Rick and Morty

Sadness

Sadness is a feeling I am all too familiar with

The other day I was journaling and noticing how blessed I am…


Full belly
Food in the fridge
Comfortable couch decorated with colorful throw pillows to sit on
Candle lit
Plants and flowers around
Fire place lit
Living in a beach town
Wearing a cute outfit, nails painted in a cute blue color and fingers adorned with stylish rings
Glass of wine
Healthy body
Friends
A lover

Yet with all there is to be grateful for, why is there still some persistent underlying feeling of sadness that lingers around throughout my days? What is it within me that keeps this feeling alive?

So…

I started to explore it…

Maybe it’s biological? Maybe my body is used to producing this familiar chemical and so it is biologically triggered…

Maybe I like it? Maybe there is a part of me that enjoys the sadness? So much art and reflection can come from this state…

Maybe it’s because of the suffering of the world? How can I rest and be truly happy if there is suffering in the world?

Maybe it’s because I will die… and everything is just passing. I’m working and working and doing and doing — and for what? For it all to end and pass away? The beautiful moments quickly evaporate and morph into the next. The day becomes the night. The young become the old…. and eventually the beginning meets the end 😥

So what is it all for?
What am I living for?
Why am I here?
Why is there something?
What is this experience?
What is even the point? 😦

And why is it that even though I am happy, I am also sad….?




Rewind

Song on repeat
Chest sinking
Another wine glass by the bedside

Reflection in the mirror —
Puffy eyes.
Waking up from another terrible dream
Another dream where you walk away
And it’s not meant to be 😥

Sigh…

Today isn’t as bad as its been

They say grief happens in stages

Some days I go on streaks without thinking of you
Then suddenly remember “Oh wow, I haven’t thought about you all day!”
[the irony]

Some days it feels heavy, disappointing, angry
Some days it feels hopeful and even happy
Sometimes I want to share that happiness with you…

Sometimes I want to tell you about something cool I saw,
Share what I think would make you laugh…

Most times I feel mad at you for how selfish you have been,
and mad at myself for how stupid I have been

Yet a part of me wishes we could fix it all.
Can we rewind the tape?
Can we go back to the days when we’d wake up excited like kiddos
When every day felt like an adventure

But when I really think about it, I don’t even want to.


How many times can we rewind before we eventually get sick of hearing the same song…

I am better off as the person I am becoming
And I hope you are too

Perhaps when the sun has set just enough times to heal the wounds
Maybe then we will meet again…

or not…

nonetheless, the memories and the lessons will play on



Late Night Cries

I’m wiping tears off my face
Wet eye lashes create a slight glow on my vision

I’m pausing to get my words together

Will I ever get it right?
Will I ever “figure it out”?
Will I ever get to that point where I feel really comfortable in my skin, in my life & feeling really proud of what I’ve accomplished, of what I’ve created?

Or will I never make it?
Will I never be fully actualized & certain of myself and my path?

At times I feel so disappointed,
Disappointed with some of the choices I’ve made
At all the time I’ve wasted being stupid,
But mostly disappointed with the existential place I find myself in
Not believing in anything concretely
Not having much of a ground to stand on other than “I exist, but I don’t know why”

Reality feels like an empty place, devoid of true meaning other than the meaning we give it
And I don’t know why that makes it devoid of meaning?

Maybe because I don’t value the value we humans give to things

This goes back to my issues with the belief in God
That belief has been shattered and left me very skeptical


There is as an intelligence embedded in the fabric of reality
There is something obviously happening here
And I suppose we can say that the totality of all that there is, the full universal energy/source/reality itself is “God.”

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person. I wish I could just talk about the weather, the latest lulu lemon leggings and not be so preoccupied with the nature of reality or the meaning of existence

I don’t even want to share this anymore…
I’ve stopped crying
And my emotional outburst has now passed

Energy changes
Emotions change
Everything changes

Me Love You Long Time

Omg
It’s been a WHILE

Of course I’m going to say “There’s so much I wanna tell you!”
Because there really is lol

Where to even begin!?

I miss you

I’ve been on quite a journey

There are days where I feel like I’m moving and moving but getting nowhere…other days where it feels like I’m right where I need to be. I move from clarity to confusion

Right now I am going through some changes
My life is falling apart in some ways so a new reality can come into place

I’m sad
Sometimes angry
Other times super happy, excited, hopeful
and then downright depressed “I don’t wanna get outta bed or live” typa thang
But those moments don’t last too long
I snap myself out of it like “bitch, you got shit to do less go”
Then I’ll do everything I can to raise my vibe and keep on keepin’ on

I plan to start sharing on here regularly again

I also plan to actively talk about Reflect Out Loud… something I’ve never really done


but now I kind of want to

I didn’t have a specific purpose for this post
But one thing I wanted to reflect on is how everything falls away
Life is slipping
Some moments are so precious
While others I can’t wait to get through
Everything that was no longer is…

This is coming out like a mess
I feel like a little bit of a mess
Even though my room looks so cute, clean & vibey right now

I’m not sure if you’re going to get any value out of this post…

I hope to come back and share something more valuable

I love you

“How do you take the next step when life has taken apart the whole staircase?”

Song on replay
Late night tears
Stars floating across the ceiling

and I,
still not knowing what the point of it all is

I’m getting to a place of conclusion that even if there is no real meaning to all of this, there can always be the meaning we decide to give it

We are here rather than not here
I don’t ultimately know why at the moment
But I can at least choose to ascribe it the best possible meaning with the intellect and understanding that I do have

and for me,
I want to worry & stress less
I want to be as happy and fulfilled for as long as I possibly can
More peace, more love, more understanding, forgiveness
Growth
and most important: Health

Healthy body healthy mind
Happy being

Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

Mean

I said mean things to you and I’m sorry. Underneath I’m just so scared to tell you how I really feel because if you knew I loved you then you’d run.

I toss between giving in too much and holding back.

I hate being in this place. Of wanting so much to say I love you, mean it, show you, and have it be returned.

You say mean things to me too. You make me anxious. Nervous. And unsure of myself.

I can’t always tell if it’s coming from me or coming from you. If you’re the one who makes me feel this way or if it’s within me.

I was so happy at first. Thinking everything I’ve wanted I had found in such a magical, coinciding way.

And now I’m unsure. I don’t know. And I’m just sitting here feeling sad, lost, and confused.

Is It Me? Or Is It You?

I can’t quite tell if it’s me or if it’s you.

Who’s making me feel not quite right. Not quite at ease.

It feels as if I have one foot forward one foot back. Like I can’t let go of the railing for fear that I may end up falling but with only the ground to catch me.

There’s this unspoken sense that I’m not quite enough. Where am I getting this from? Is it me or is it you?

Am I feeling this way because something within me needs to change or because you’re triggering me to feel this way?

I don’t always like the way I feel around you. The shy, uneasy, insecure parts of me shine most when you’re near.

But it gives me opportunity to practice. To practice not giving a fuck. Because how else will I learn?

I’m at this weird tipping point where it feels like I need to make a more clear decision about us. My hunch is that I need to step away.  But then I go back and forth on the matter.

Maybe I need to chill the fuck out and stop being so emotional, needy, and insecure.
Wouldn’t that be nice?

I think having emotions and needs is normal, though.
I also think we all feel insecure from time to time. It’s called being “human.”

I think what I’m really trying to say is that I need to better manage my shit.

I’m also super hard on myself.

Radical self-acceptance. That’s what my life coach said I need.

That’ll be my daily practice.

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