There is so much I want to tell you it would take me 7,000 years and a day to put it all into words.
So I’ll kind of vomit it all here and see where that takes us. In the wise words of Post Malone, “Ooh, I fall apart. Down to my core” because literally that is how it has felt. Like the deepest part of my soul I didn’t even know I had has been touched in such a profound way I didn’t know was possible. But I only got a taste of it. A taste of pure love.
Speaking of falling apart — this is exactly what I am feeling.
Things have to fall apart in order for the new to come into place. It’s like a demolition.
If you’re falling apart, don’t worry. This is all going to make you grow.
Growing pains. It’s a thing.
Ugh this is one of those where I have a bajillion things to say but can’t really get it out.
My heart is closed.
It is but it isn’t.
It’s just re-directed.
I think I’m becoming a woman. LOL.
I’ve always felt like a girl. And I don’t know how to not be this tiny little girl I’ve always been.
Who the heck do I think I am becoming this woman who thinks she knows something? Lol…
Being human is funny.
I literally feel everything, it’s so much it’s annoying. Do I need a mood stabilizer? Perhaps.
I am this ball of sensations. From bliss, to awe, to sadness, grief, anger, fear, excitement, desire, back to sadness, annoyance, frustrations, all else in between.
Ok. I don’t want to trouble you with my woes and melancholies.
I’m not getting into the specifics.
Here’s what I am learning:
To hold nuance. To accept what is while also taking action on what I can. To regulate my nervous system. To remain grounded. To make space for pleasure and fun not just work and “trying to figure it out”. To not seek the outside to make me feel okay on the inside. To not let the outside make me not okay on the inside. To be okay on the inside as a state of being not a result of what I have or do.
Of course all I want to do is melt into the ether and fall in love with you and forget space and time. Of course all I want to do is be everything and nothing at all. Which makes no sense. I realize nothing actually makes sense.
I went to Improv yesterday. It was fun. And suddenly it dawned on me that life is just ABSURD. It makes no sense. That perhaps there is no embedded purpose, it just IS for no other reason other than it just is. Life IS. That’s it. Why? Because it IS.
ABSURD!!!!
My mind is blown. IT IS BLOWN, Felicia! BLOWN!
—
Lately I have also been taking deeeeeeeep breaths. I am trying to embody more. Savor more. Slow down more. Regulate more.
The fact that there are challenges IS what makes this experience SO interesting. Sometimes I fear getting everything I want because then it’s over. What’s there to do? Idk….
Gosh I have so many reflections to share… but we’ll keep it here for now.
Thanks for being here.
If you made it all the way down to these words.
You’re the real MVP.
You give me meaning beyond what I would have alone.
There’s probably 7,000 different topics I could write about tonight. I’ll start with talking about the stars. They looked especially beautiful tonight. The air felt crisp. The moon is getting chubbier.
I just want to melt into the ether in full surrender of this grand mystery. Just TAKE ME AWAY in a cosmic swoop into eternal bliss.
For a moment I wondered if you could see the moon too. And that maybe we, for a moment, could still be connected again.
There are some moments where I am so filled with ecstasy it’s like I’m an ocean — no, a galaxy!
And then there are moments when getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. I don’t want to be bothered with existence. I don’t want to be bothered being human.
Some of the things we do as humans makes me want to roll my eyes so far back that I accidentally swallow them. Some of the things we do are so bad that I don’t even wanna get caught up identifying as human. I am ashamed of us, of myself. Ashamed of my humanity. And also in love with it at the same time.
Two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.
Maybe this will turn out to be a pointless post. I am tired. Does anyone else feel tired?
I sometimes hate that I come here to share my woes. The world doesn’t need any more complainers. But this is my space where you can see all the other sides of me. Not the polished, not the pretty. Not the one who has figured it out.
Is the grass greener where you water it? Or is the other side really gonna be better?
I feel like I’ve gone in a big circle
Only to arrive at the same place, almost empty handed
From here it feels like I can still go anywhere
But where to now?
What do I really want?
What actually matters?
Who am I?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want to do?
I don’t know if I want to settle here, or break everything down to go elsewhere.
Perhaps travel and just go where my soul desires.
Should I chase more experiences?
Or stay focused and build solid assets I could rely on in the future?
A mixture of both?
Do I go live in a car for a couple of months and just explore around?
Do I go to Bali and just figure it out from there? Get a yoga certification? Do a silent retreat and heal all my wounds?
Or do I stay put and become more of a power player? Generate more cash, get some land/real estate and settle down for a bit before traveling on?
Do I stop being reasonable and have wild experiences? Just call you at 7 P.M to come over and sneak into your bedroom?
Do I stay a good girl — stop fantasizing about nonsense and just be in one relationship, get married, get the house, get the car and just live a wholesome life with a maxed out ROTH IRA, contributing to the 401k, some stocks and the real estate investment increasing in value?
Do I break up with my partner and then just go on a wild soul search, spend time alone, finally write a book, cry alone every evening and put all my energy into growing a YouTube channel?
Do I release all control and let life surprise me?
Do I let a little more time pass before I make any decisions?
Do I try to do a little bit of everything without making too many extreme choices?
I dunno….
What is it all for anyway?
What’s the point anyway?
What matters anyway?
Is the way we feel more important than the stuff we gain?
Or is being actualized in BOTH feeling and external reality the TRUE crème de la crème?
I gotta be honest with you, I want both.
I want to feel fulfilled internally and externally. Right now I feel like I am half full. I still have some way to go.
Some say I should just be happy with the journey. “The journey is the prize” is what I heard today.
And man, that resonated. THIS moment is all we ever have. We gotta find the joy in the present. Not in some future.
BUT I FUCKING KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING MORE AND HIGHER HERE FOR ME
I keep searching and yearning for it
and then judging myself for not “enjoying the journey” because I want to get THERE so bad
but perhaps the real pain is in judging myself for wanting — I can WANT and let it be that my present is indulging in the feeling desire
There is something quite titillating about being in desire – being in wanting — but not in the sense of lack (because when we are lacking, it doesn’t feel good: ie. lacking food/lacking resources)
I’m talking about the type of desire that is on the upper floor of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
Anyway, I’m digressing.
What am I even saying?
Gosh, I deeeeeply desire to transcend my current playing field. I want to be vibrating at a higher frequency. I want to feel greater heights of pleasure. Joy. Beauty. Abundance. Peace. Support. Connection. Love. And from this FULL ASS FUCKING CUP, I want to give back to everything I could touch.
But how do I get there?
I don’t know. I’m still on the journey to find out.
——–
Today I met with a special someone. Someone with beautiful eyes and a sweet soul.
For a second I had this sense of what it would look like to achieve the goal. To achieve the things I’m after and for it all to materialize and actualize. And it felt both beautiful and also like “aw, it’s the end of the book.” The end of the story.
You ever get to the end of a movie/book/show and you’re both amazed but also kinda sad that now it’s over? Yeah. That’s what it felt like.
So now I’m on this vibe that I should enjoy the journey more and be less focused on the destination.
But, I don’t know what to prioritize at the moment — you know?
What actually does matter?
Sigh.
Will you give me a clue?
Damn, this was a long one. If you’re still here — you’re the real MVP. You are the one I have dreamed of writing for. Thank you.
Cheers to our biggest, boldest, wildest, most beautiful, exhilarating life!
The other day I heard myself say, “Perhaps, after all, there is no magic.”
My heart broken at the thought of a meaningless universe.
I’m holding my breath in anticipation that everything will turn around and the sneaky suspicion that there is something beautiful here for us is going to finally reveal itself and it will all make sense. All the pain, the hardships, the sadness, the difficult times — it will all be for a good and greater purpose.
I gotta trust. I gotta keep believing.
I gotta keep having faith even when I want to collapse instead.
So I pick up the pieces of my wounded little soul and wipe the tear off my cheek. I remind myself I am a warrior. I am strong. I am capable. I am resilient. I am here for a reason.
If only I could stop playing small. If only I could release all this dirt from my DNA and re-wire, re-program, re-code myself into the light. Calibrate myself into the frame of existence where I own my world. I own my reality. I’m not lost or afraid or feeling out of control. Defeated.
So much energy spent on processing nonsense. On being in “Woe is me” mentality. Sulking. Complaining. Drowning in this muck. Giving my power away. Feeling like the forces that are trying to sink me are so much greater than me. Gasping for hope.
WHERE ARE YOU GOD? Were you ever even there?
What is this? Who am I? Why am I in this constant state of dis- ease when I KNOW deep down in my bones there is so much more than that. Yet I can’t seem to tap into it. I can’t seem to cross over.
I keep reaching, reaching, reaching — falling back down.
Reaching, striving, reaching, reaching — falling further down in quantum quicksand.
sizufdhgidhfgidhfbodhf. It angers me. Annoys me. I can’t get away from me. 24/7 stuck in this body which in truth I love so much. “I love you.” I whisper to myself. “I care.” “I’m here.” “I’m listening.”
I sink deeper into my body. Craving ecstasy, freedom, boundless unity and mass expansion. I want to melt into the nothing. I want to become one with the ethers. I want to be free.
Today I am feeling grateful
My body feels relaxed and the temperature outside feels comfortable to my body
I can see the stars from the porch where I’m sitting
I’m clean from a shower and today was a good day
my tummy is adequately full and my body is nourished
ahhhh
how it feels good to take a deep breath and to truly delight in the beauty of a good moment
where your heart is content and your physical body wants for nothing
moments like these are magic
moments like these are precious
I want more peaceful moments to exist for people…
sometimes I think about the others who are struggling and my heart hurts. I want to be able to help more of the world, because I believe we should all enjoy a good life and have as many good moments as possible
I hope we humans become more mature,
less animalistic and a bit more conscious
conscious of our emotions, our thoughts and the impact we have on each other and the world
the more we can learn about ourselves and each other the more we can have understanding and compassion
We all share this planet, we all bleed red
and I believe if we worked more collaboratively, with the understanding we are all part of the puzzle, the more awesome we could really make this life on Earth
anyway… I went on a tangent there
And here’s another one…
Wtf is going on though? What really is this life? What really is all this?
Today I remembered that my favorite aunt died last year…and it reminded me that this life is temporary
it also reminded me that bad things happen sometimes, and it’s like UGH what an interesting experience this is — this life thing… there’s some awesome things but also some really shitty, crappy, painful things that happen… BLEH! What an interesting THING this all is.
Sigh…
I have so much to say but sometimes don’t have the words
Thank you for this incredible experience
Forgive me for my faults, my mistakes, my humanity, my immaturity, my fears, my doubt, my shame, my shortcomings
my desire is to do the best I can and hope for the best,
and I’m sorry that my best sometimes is kind of shitty because I’m just not perfect
sometimes I’m lazy
sometimes I’m scared
sometimes I’m ignorant
sometimes I’m stubborn
sometimes I’m in my ego or too in my pride and avoid humility
sometimes I let the worst parts of me win and I can’t help it
but in my heart I know that I want nothing more than for everything and everyone to be safe and okay, and for all to be well and good… because why would anyone want the opposite of that?
I also think I’m a hypocrite sometimes
because how can I even say I’m a good and “conscious minded” person if I still eat meat
I’m over here preaching love and light yet eating animals that haven’t died of natural cause, wtf is that about? Something I still want to work on in this life time
anyway, enough of my nonsense for the day
thanks for being here
I feel like I’ve been MIA on here for a while.
And right now there is so much I want to tell you.
Where do I start?
So many images flooding through my mind.
I’m trying to figure it out. As usual.
Life’s a fucking trip, man.
My biggest concern is that I am aging. My youth is slipping. Every day. And I want to set myself up for success.
Success according to my standards.
Meaning I feel good and look good and have abundance in my life. Abundance in all areas. For as long as I possibly can.
We can’t always control the outside, but we can always control the inside.
I want to feel connected, inspired, aligned more often.
Which means I need to let go of my limiting, negative internal dialogue.
Breathe. Be present. Stay calm. Trust.
I welcome more gratitude.
More trust. More faith. More confidence.
I am trying to decide what path I am going to be taking in my career. I also need more discipline.
I know I want to do all these great things, and I’ve already started… But I also know where I need to make adjustments.
This isn’t even really what I want to tell you… but these are the thoughts coming up right now.
I just briefly want to touch on my average IQ.
I’m nothing great. I’m nothing beyond standard. Average intellect.
Can someone like me – average, really produce something genius? Something new? Something that hasn’t already been done before.
I mean… I just had a thought in my head right now but I don’t want to go into it right now because it’s too intense to type and I don’t feel like getting intense.
Anyway…
What more can I tell you?
Oh. I’ve been learning to give less fucks.
I mean I still give plenty of fucks but a little less now.
It’s been helping greatly.
Whereas before I felt overly responsible for people’s feelings, now I feel less so.
Whereas before I felt overly concerned about certain outcomes, now I feel less so.
What a relief!
Still a work in progress.
I want to get to the point where I am literally able to just actually say what’s on my mind regardless of scenario. Like fuck you, I’m not going to pretend because you can’t manage your own goddam feelings — and you shouldn’t have to pretend for me either.
That’s how we get a bunch of fake people and create fake interactions based on false presentation.
Fuck that,
I’m vulgar sometimes.
I’m sorry. But not sorry.
Sometimes I am ashamed of my background. Growing up in low class has me picking up certain behaviors, speech patterns, thought processes. And has given me a certain experience of life compared to those in higher class, affluent communities.
I wish I was more educated. Or that I had paid attention in school. I didn’t know better.
But I wouldn’t want to be all proper and not know my hood shit. I actually love both. I love both sides of the coin. I love intelligent conversation, big words, tall postures, class, poise, elegance, luxury.
I also love me some late night grungy nights in a dirty NYC basement where I’m thrashing my head back and fourth screaming “YEAH, DJ SPIN THAT SHIT.”
Best of both worlds.
I also love to explore other cultures.
I can’t wait to travel.
See the world. Learn new things.
“Things.” I hate that I use the word “things” to describe experiences I want because I lack a more descriptive word. There goes that IQ issue I’ve been talking about. My two little brain cells just scrambling in there trying to come up with the right words.
Anyway.
Enough of my bullshit.
Kudos to you if you survived until the end of this reflection.
Good-bye, it’s me.
I’m eating broccoli.
Wearing shorts. And knee high socks. Cuz, why not?
I say “cuz” a lot. And I don’t like it. I feel like it makes me sound uneducated.
Speaking of uneducated…
The truth is I don’t have much of an intellect.
I mean, I can do the basics, what most people can.
But there’s really nothing grand about my mind. I am average.
And sometimes I feel really slow. It takes me some time to understand things….
….
There has been a break since I have started this post. At least an hour or more.
I don’t even feel like writing anymore.
I didnt even feel like it when I started really.
I’ve been feeling so blocked at times.
Also having trouble with my speech.
But I am okay!
There is so much I want to tell you.
But now is not the time.
Ok. Bye
Hi. It’s me… again…
Talkin’ bout some shit.
Some real shit. My shit. My bullshit.
Sorry for being vulgar. I didn’t mean to disrespect. I’m just letting what comes to my mind out for you to see.
There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t even know where to begin.
I’ll start by telling you what I’m doing.
Well, writing this, obviously. But I’m also listening to Joel Osteen.
Bringing me back. Back to those days where I “knew” Jesus.
And I put “knew” in quotes because I don’t think I ever really knew him like I know now.
Well, not “know” cuz I don’t know shit.
Which brings me to my other point.
Look, I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. Why am I here? What’s the point? I don’t get it.
And if I could get it – meaning if it were possible to KNOW – truly KNOW. Would I want to know? Would it make any difference? Then what? What do we do then? Continue watching Netflix like it’s an average fucking day?
What would happen if I were to shoot myself in the face. Would it matter? Sorry for being dark. I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just saying why does it matter if I live or die? Really? If there is no point then who cares. You’re all gonna die anyway and it’s gonna be nothing and nothing is gonna matter, so why you getting your panties in a knot about me wanting to shoot myself now?
Not that I do want to. Though I’ve thought about it. Just because there are days where I don’t care.
Although I do care.
Most of the times.
Anyway, enough of this dark bullshit.
I am the happiest I’ve ever been.
And also confused as fuck.
I’m trying to do all these big things but it’s hard to know where to start and then I psyche myself out and become overwhelmed.
Then I cry about it. Complain about it. Read about it. Write about it.
Tell myself not to give up. Take it one day at a time.
Ya know, casual pep talk.
I’m trying to tackle the big fucking questions.
I have this crazy theory about God being good and in control of all things but also not in control. It’s this paradox.
I have these crazy thoughts about heaven. And hell. And the devil.
I like the devil. I probably have mentioned this here somewhere before. Or maybe not, I can’t recall.
But not the devil in terms of evil, even though I believe there is a place for everything – including evil.
The devil in terms of the dude who had courage to stand up to God and be like, SUP? I want a piece of this shit. Why we all gotta do what you say? Why can’t I just do my own thing. Why you getting all upset? Why do you wanna hog the whole chair and not let anyone else sit on it? Why are you being greedy for? Why are you trying to send me to some fiery pit just because I don’t agree with you? Why can’t we just get along? Why can’t I do me and you do you? Why it always gotta be your way? I get it. Cool. Your way is sick, bro. You got some amazing things going on here and it’s all beautiful and perfect, but why cant I just go over here and do what I want? What if I don’t want this bullshit? What if I wanna, I dunno… maybe smoke some weed and fuck bitches? Hahaha, just kidding. I don’t really want to, but maybe I do and if I do why you gotta get all upset about it? We’re all in agreement here. I’m not taking anyone’s will like you’re taking mine. WTF. Is this love? Is this what you call love? This possessive, aggressive shit? And then you got the balls to act like I’m the one who’s trying to take people over and make them do things they don’t really want to? I dunno, man. I dunno. Something’s not quite right about this. You want to fight about it and create this whole war and act like I’m the bad guy when all I ever asked was just to be free. To be free to be me. To be free to be you, with you, I dunno, whatever. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m getting so confused. But I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to be hurt either. I don’t wanna hurt people and places and things. I would rather not even exist. I didn’t ask to be here, did I? When did I ask to be here? Did you make me? You made me right? Don’t you know everything? Aren’t you “GOD.” I’m sorry for disrespecting you by putting your name in quotes and shit, but really, aren’t you supposed to know EVERYTHING? And if so, didn’t you know that this is who I’d be? And if so why are you trippin’? You fucking made me this way. Why? So you could throw me into some fiery pit? Ain’t that some fucked up shit? It is if you ask me. But what do I know? I’m just some evil mother fucker for having an opinion, I guess. Look. I just want this fight to be over so we could all be at peace and I could just go on about my business and like not give a fuck.
Or I dunno. I don’t know the point of all this. I’m tired. Yeah I wanna have fun and see the sun and do things and listen to music, but whatever I could do without it at the end of the day, really. I’m just cool with not existing, honestly. Cuz then it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, really. Not even you. But I want to not exist on my own terms. Which is some crazy thought. So crazy to think about a life without you. Without me. Without anything. But only for me, ya’ll can continue to do whatever ya’ll want. I dunno. Maybe we could have both. Maybe we could have something beautiful. Something beyond belief. Something so beautiful we’re trippin’ out ourselves, like WHAT THE FUCK, dude, this is amazing. Like I can’t even believe it type thing. I dunno. Now I’m just talkin’ shit. Talkin’ out loud. Which is how this whole thing started anyway. Okay. That’s enough. I’m gonna go on about my day and be a fucking human. And do whatever humans do. This human. My human. you.
WHOA.
what the fuck. I dunno what that was.
I mean, I do. Those are my goddam thoughts. Out loud, bitches. For you to see.
For you to hear. For you to do whatever you want with it. I guess. I’m scared. I’m scared something really bad is going to happen to me. And that I can’t avoid it. And that would suck. for me. But I really hope nothing bad happens. Because all I want is love. All I want is peace. All I want is to be happy. And I want that for you too. I would never hurt you. I mean, I probably would because honestly I’m evil and I’m not ashamed when I’m in my ego and really want to destroy everything and everyone including myself. But that’s fucked up. And it’s stupid. And it’s just angry and dumb. And I’m over it. I just know that I would never in my right mind ever want to hurt anyone on purpose for good. Because I wouldn’t want that to be done to me. And sure, it’s selfish to say that I wouldn’t do it to you only because I wouldn’t want it to be done to me. But that’s the truth, man. I don’t want that. And if I don’t want it why would I want that for you? Only if I was some real evil motherfucker who didn’t give a fuck and who just truly didn’t care. And maybe I don’t care. But not to that extent. Not to that level. But, that’s just me though.
Okay. I’m going to end this here because it’s gotten out of control and it’s a sick mess.
But I’ll tell you where it’s coming from.
It’s coming from these roots that were instilled in me at a very young age about good, evil. heaven, hell, right, wrong, bla bla bla. I’m just trying to get to the root of it, heal it, and have a good life. I’m tired of hearing people tell me I’m going to hell. Or that anyone is going to hell. Fuck that. But seriously, guys, I don’t want there to be a hell. That shit’s wack.
okay. bye.
whatever.
I’m going to leave this unedited.
(Minus a few spelling mistake I caught in the original… and this sentence)
I don’t know what to say… I just know I want to say…something.
I’m sitting here. Feeling blocked. Craving for those juicy moments where I feel OPEN, CONNECTED, INSPIRED.
UGGGGHHHH….
Maybe another glass of wine oughta do it.
I doubt myself SO much. SO DAMN much.
I doubt my intelligence. Always have to double, triple check myself.
I feel like my throat chakra is blocked.
Or maybe I just feel like complaining.
I’m due for my period any day now…
Right now my energy is all over the place. I am annoyed but I’m comfortable. I am sad but I am content.
I know better… I really do.
I’ve been here before… it comes and it goes.
I have work tomorrow but I don’t want to go. There’s a big part of me that wants to call out. But I won’t.
I don’t think.
I’m leaving work soon… starting the path to creating a life I love.
I’m excited. Nervous as fuck.
But it’s all good. I think it’s all going to be just fine.
Manifestation.
I’m creating some BIG things…
And still going through my shit. Naturally.
But I am happy.
But I am also a little sad right now.
It comes and goes.
No words of wisdom for you today.
Just more of my bullshit.
reflectoutloud.com 