I want to find the person who feels like my whole world. Someone who makes me feel complete. As if everything else becomes optional because all I need and want is right here with you.
Anywhere with you feels perfect. Traffic? Perfect. The grocery store? Perfect. Walking down the same old street? Perfect.
Some might say “you have to find that in yourself” and sure, Carol, you’re probably right but after finding that in myself I’d love to find that with another too.
I think life feels better when shared. What is the point of having the whole world yet being alone?
—
Life has been such an interesting journey. This morning I was hiking in Idyllwild and for a moment could see fragments of my journey reflected in my minds eye like a movie. I recalled being a child in Brazil. I recalled arriving in the U.S and pretending to string English words together in the mirror. I flashbacked through my life up until this point, standing accomplished on 1900 elevation gain, resting against a rock next to a tall, chubby pine tree whose fine needles glowed elegantly in the sun. The air: cool, crisp, soft, silent. The view – magnificent. As I marveled at the scene I couldn’t help but feel this immense sense of awe for how far I’ve come. What a ride! What a privilege I’ve been given.
Thank you, life. Thank you.
Mmmm. Divine.
But where to from here?
—
Driving out into nature used to be my most favorite experience. Seeing the mountains would make me lose it. Obsessed. Enamored by God’s creations. I could linger forever. While this time around I still felt this sense of wonder, it was certainly dimmed. As if life is expecting something from me that I can’t get away from. Some unfinished business of sorts. Like a summons I keep ignoring. It’s as if this isn’t a season for wandering.
“You’ll be happier once you’ve answered the call.” That was the sense I received.
What call!?
It’s is as if life is asking me to become a different version of myself. It wants me focused. Productive. It wants me in service. But what service?
I feel painfully, yet wonderfully erratic. Volatile.
One day I have a carefully detailed plan, the next I am executing something completely different. It’s like I can’t be contained. I’m an artist. A lover. A dancer in the wind.
I know I want land and a home.
I also want to leave to Italy.
What really matters in the end anyway?
Lately I have been thinking perhaps: experiences.
A breadth and depth of experiences.
Health.
Freedom.
Awe.
Delight.
Magic.
Ahhhh….
Unleash me. Hold me.
I am hard to contain….
And I think I love that about me.
But anyway, back to this world I mentioned in the beginning.
I want it.
I want to just rest on your perfectly strong, warm, cozy shoulders.
You are home.
You are everything.
There’s a terrible pain that comes with unmet expectations
When you have an image of what life should look like
When you have hopes of what could be
When you create a vision in your mind’s eye
But then find that reality does not match it
You find yourself disappointed
Because what you thought would be is not
Because you saw things going one way yet life had other plans
WTF is that all about?
__
Then there is also the burden of expectations
The pressure to make something of your life and meet specific metrics society has set fourth
Or perhaps the expectations you believe society has of you so you just blindly go along with thinking you need/want something maybe you actually don’t (were it not expected of you)
Here is the thing:
You will have hopes, dreams and wishes
You will create plans
But they won’t always be met in reality
At least not in your timing, and not entirely the way you imagined
and sometimes….
sometimes it does all come together
keep your hope
but also be flexible
disappointments happen
delays happen
and sometimes it’s in the detours
the wrong turns
and in the unexpected, that we find magic beyond what we could have ever conceived
I’m back. To complain.
Wanna know something else that annoys me?
The fact that over time facts change. I spend hours and hours learning a new concept but as time unfolds new information cancels out the old information. So I spent all this time learning this bullshit only to have to learn new bullshit because the old bullshit became irrelevant, outdated news.
FML.
That is all for today.
What a dance its been to find balance. To manage being okay with where I am compared to where I want to be.
I don’t want to miss the journey in an attempt to get somewhere in the future.
I’ve been looking back at how much of life I’ve already missed in wanting to escape to some future moment. All the fun I could have had if only I wasn’t trying to wish my way out of the present moment.
I went to a bonfire at the beach last night. While in conversation it was said to me, “Be happy where you are.”
That is the secret. To be happy now while we journey, while we climb.
*image credit to google images
I am only a passenger in this ride called life.
I was sitting here thinking about where I see myself in 6 years.
I imagined the wear and tear of time painted across my face. The mature look in my eyes. The wrinkles on my forehead more pronounced.
As I conjured up an image of my future self in my mind’s eye I wondered — am I making a conscious effort to really enjoy my experience here in this life?
This means… not allowing stress to get the best of me. This means doing more of what truly makes me happy. Eating foods that I enjoy. Going on more walks. Engaging in local activities. Having intellectual conversations with people who “get” me. Traveling. Being truly myself without fear of rejection. Enjoying the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. Being comfortable with expressing my own opinions. Trusting my intuition. Telling more people I love them. Connecting with
positive people. Listening to more music. Going to more shows. Taking care of my body.
Treating myself with kindness, love, and unconditional positive regard.
YAAAAS to all the above and more!
One of my biggest stressors right now is my job. Boy does that place know how to run me thin. I can either change jobs or change how I approach my job (I’mma do both).
As I sit here thinking about it I realize that I can’t let myself get sucked into external pressure or self imposed pressure. This is my life. I have the power to dictate its flavor.
I no longer want to let small things bother me.
I no longer want to spend time judging myself negatively.
The decree is in… I’m fabulous. The end.
I want to take ownership of my experience.
Not let worry, fear, or stress consume me.
I want to trust that at every moment I’ll know exactly what to do.
Fuck the bullshit.
I want to enjoy the ride.
Because when the time comes when life flashes before my eyes I wanna see some awesome shit. I wanna see a film that is PACKED with laughter, fun, adventure, coffee, love, friendship, health, music, and all the great memories I’ve consciously created along this passage.
Ya with me?
“Dream on little dreamer.
Follow all of your signs.
You gotta gather up what you need,
You gotta choose a direction.
And when the moment is right for you,
You gotta go. You gotta keep your ideals high. You got to know that the sky belongs to no one. You know you got to go.” – Above & Beyond
It’s both frightening and beautiful when you begin to break free of the shackles holding you back from being whole. When you begin to shed old skin and birth anew.
When you begin to recognize your value and embrace the courage to speak up and soar above those who consciously or unconsciously tried to pull you down. And many times that person was yourself. But not any longer. Today is the day to break free.
It’s as if parts of me are being violently ripped apart to make room for new flesh to grow. The old operating system doesn’t seem to be working anymore. I need an upgrade, but because I haven’t expanded enough I can’t seem to find the fitting program to help me glide into my new self.
It’s that awkward in between stage – where you’re not quite who you were and haven’t yet become who you’re meant to be.
I thought I had this “enlightenment” path going pretty darn well for me – then I spent a week with my mom.
I learned a lot about myself and the world.
I learned that I am still pretty impatient and can get easily ticked off when the right buttons are pushed. I became rapidly irritated with my mother’s lack of understanding of herself and her constant fears of the world, throwing much of my inner peace work out of the window for a moment. I became critical of her and sometimes even embarrassed to be related to her.
I still have a whole laundry list of internal issues to figure out, overcome and improve on.
I still often walk around with a commentary voice in my head – comparing, judging, projecting fears, blaming. I realize also that when I make snobby little internal comments like “Oh, this person is so not present” that I am ALSO not present. It’s so easy to judge others and not see where I am at fault.
I had a friend once say, “When you point ONE finger, you also have 3 others pointing right back you.” 
This is so true. It’s similar to what Jesus said, “Take the wood from your own eye before trying to take the spec from your brother’s eye.” Ouch. Burn.
Yet even with all my shortcomings, I must not blame myself for being as I am currently in time. I know that I am evolving and on the way to becoming my best self, so there is no reason to beat myself up because I am still crawling and not yet walking. This alone is a huge step for me, especially since I have been master of Karate chopping myself up for not getting it all “right.”
Each day and each challenge offers me new opportunities for growth. I am excited for my evolutionary process, though it is not an easy journey. It varies, really. Some days are easy, some days are hard, some days are in between. I notice that depending on the state of mind I approach my day with, the better or worse it turns out. I am a major advocate for inside out living because I know that my internal emotional state is something I always have the ability to control. When I feel good and my mind is clear, my day feels brighter and more meaningful. When I am gloomy and feel unmotivated, my day also feels foggy and without purpose. The outside world is a major reflection of my inner world.
Let’s keep on climbing, keep on expanding! The view is going to be phenomenal!
Life is my best teacher – our best teacher.
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