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humanity

Where

Where do I start?
I suppose we can run down the usual…

What are we doing?

As a species we are still very immature. We compete, get jealous, operate from ego, show off, get easily upset, think the world needs to cater to our feelings and preferences.

I am also human. Guilty of some of the very same sins I go on about.

I sometimes watch myself do what is wrong, like throw away the recycling into the trash bin. Small little things, wrong nonetheless.

I don’t want to go on and on about it, but watching our silly foolishness just grinds my gears. There is so much I wish to say but it’s hard to put into words. It’s one of those days I wish to tell you everything but all I can muster is whatever this is.

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times” to quote Dickens and sum some of it up.

I am feeling the ache and the awe. The grief and the gladness.
All the in betweens. Simultaneously at once.



We think the answer is outside, yet the answer is within.

—

Anyway,
my neighbor is so hot

I wish that he would kiss me.

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Untitled

There’s probably 7,000 different topics I could write about tonight. I’ll start with talking about the stars. They looked especially beautiful tonight. The air felt crisp. The moon is getting chubbier.

I just want to melt into the ether in full surrender of this grand mystery. Just TAKE ME AWAY in a cosmic swoop into eternal bliss.

For a moment I wondered if you could see the moon too. And that maybe we, for a moment, could still be connected again.

There are some moments where I am so filled with ecstasy it’s like I’m an ocean — no, a galaxy!

And then there are moments when getting out of bed feels like an impossible task. I don’t want to be bothered with existence. I don’t want to be bothered being human.

Some of the things we do as humans makes me want to roll my eyes so far back that I accidentally swallow them. Some of the things we do are so bad that I don’t even wanna get caught up identifying as human. I am ashamed of us, of myself. Ashamed of my humanity. And also in love with it at the same time.

Two opposing truths can exist simultaneously.

Maybe this will turn out to be a pointless post. I am tired. Does anyone else feel tired?

I sometimes hate that I come here to share my woes. The world doesn’t need any more complainers. But this is my space where you can see all the other sides of me. Not the polished, not the pretty. Not the one who has figured it out.


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Reflections

So as it turns out I live in a body.
It’s 5’2 and female which means that in the grand scheme of things I am as significant as a bacteria.

I am sitting in a coffee shop because I wanted to get out of my house and “try something different.”
Rather than go about business as usual working from home, I thought I’d take myself out and work from a coffee shop. Maybe it’d make my life more interesting. Maybe I’d bump into my soul mate. Or meet a fling. Or get actual work done. Only a little work was done, if you could call it work anyway.

I could share with you a thousand and one of my latest thoughts… but where do I start?

I suppose we’ll start with the usual repertoire: what should we make of this life? What actually matters?
After the recent fires in my California state, another turn of the year, another wrinkle on my foreheard, the deaths of loved ones and the hurried passage of time I feel this sense of pressure to carpe diem. What am I really waiting for? But what does carpe diem even mean? How do I want to carpe my diem?

I’m starting by buying my time back. I want nothing to do with borrowing money from banks — they can suck it. I want nothing to do with their sneaky little system that gets us allured into spending and entrapped by their interest and enslaved to their game. So that’s one.

Health is a top priority. Since this body is my first home. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my home. I sometimes feel awkward and judge myself a lot. This has got to go. So I’ll have to practice. Practice being myself and caring less about what people are thinking. Why do random strangers matter anyway? Why am I so concerned with their judgement and thought?

I am an amalgam ~ I feel like a combination of all I’ve been exposed to: which is quite a fair amount. This makes it hard for me to know who I really am.

I want to see more of the world. So rather than pay a fortune to live in California I’m planning to take off and live for less elsewhere.

I am less attached to stuff because it all just comes and goes. You buy shoes, they get old. You get furniture and it scratches. And in the end you and die and take nothing with you. So I’m less attached to accumulating a bunch of stuff and more interested in accumulating more experiences.

The other day I was at a hot yoga class after a boring typical day. That yoga class was the most interesting and stimulating activity of my day. It made me feel a sense of aliveness. In that moment I had the thought “Experiences. This is what I’m after.”

I said I am not attached to stuff, but lately I have become more interested in antiques. When I am finally ready to settle my ass I would like to have great antiques in my home. Real wood. Spectacular carvings. A beautiful book shelf. A magnificent desk.

What else can I tell you? I feel for the world. For the struggles that befall us. I wish we were more awake and aware so less of our energy was allocated to shit that doesn’t actually matter. We need more critical thinkers, action takers and STRONG humans. OMG this is a big topic for me. I literally cannot stand this soft society we have brewing. IF I SEE ANOTHER SOFT, FEMININE MAN I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I cannot DEAL with this sensitive culture. I am pretty much a Red Forman from that 70s show in a tiny female body and just want to put my foot in every soft man’s ass until they straighten out and toughen up, buttercup.

I cannot stand an overly soft mind. Don’t be weak. Don’t be so sensitive. BE TOUGH. Where are all the tough people for the love of God?

If I was a cop in San Diego, there would literally be no homeless people sleeping in a corner because I would NOT STAND IT or ALLOW IT. I am a Natzi when it comes to order and respect. When we are too loose with our morals and standards we just end up with a mess and a bunch of soft people who can’t handle a pinch of stress without falling apart. It’s annoying. Now I’m just venting.

I didn’t plan for this to be so long or for it to be about any of this. But here we are. Here we are.



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Annoy

Everything annoys me.

Well, not everything, but everything. You know what I mean?

I’m so damn annoyed with the humans. Seriously. Wtf.

We’re out of control.

Not that we ought to be “controlled” but we are still so unconscious and immature it’s annoying.
It’s our idiocy that pisses me off. And what’s worst is that we stand up for our stupidity, our immaturity, our blatant wrong doing. We are such silly little creatures. I’m pissed.

We think we’re something. We think we have the right to claim whatever we want and have rulership over another. I wanna vomit.

Anyway. I don’t wanna sit here and complain in my usual fashion but at the same time I kinda do.

The other day I was walking from the beach and everything that would normally bring me joy like the sunlight, the ocean, the grass, the beautiful homes, the humans brought me disdain. I am disappointed in our behavior. Our lies, our tricks, our infidelity. Our acts of wrong.

But what the fuck are we supposed to do about it? We’re on planet Earth. Are we all supposed to walk around like robots in polite fucking manner 24/7 saying all the “right” things and making no god damn mistakes and just being in some perfect fucking world where everything just goes exactly how we want and everything is dandy and everything is okay and everything is fine and nothing ever goes wrong and everything is perfectly safe and happy and everyone is on their P’s and Q’s and it’s just sunnyville all day and all night and always and ta da – there ya have it?

WTF are we really supposed to do? What is the real way to be? What are the REAL FUCKING RULES. What truly does matter? What truly is RIGHT?????

DOES ANYBODY FUCKING KNOW?????


DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND WHAT WE ARE ACTUALLY SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING DOING SO WE CAN GO AHEAD AND DO THAT ALREADY AND CALL IT A DAY?


Why am I so angry?
😦

Sometimes I feel so angry.

At the injustices. At this nonsense of a fucking world we have created.
I know there is so much good. I know there is so much to be grateful for. And I am. It’s beautiful. There is so much to love and be grateful for. I’m writing on fucking computer for God’s sake.

I’m so thankful. From the bottom of my heart thank you. Thank you for all you do. Thank you for all you are.

But WHAT THE FUCK????

No, really, wtf?

Why do I just wanna get it over with already?

I do but I don’t. I wanna marvel at the existence of all there is for as long as I can. I wanna love deeply and perhaps even figure out how to extend life beyond this body. I believe we can. I believe we can transfer our consciousness to another host/body. I think we can preserve this. I think we can find a way to live and survive beyond the point our bodies give out.

Because what is death anyway? To my understanding when the body stops functioning then it can no longer hold the consciousness. I don’t know what happens to the consciousness when the body can no longer hold it. Does it go up into the ethers where the Wifi is? Does it disintegrate and is no longer available for access? I don’t know but we can research this if we weren’t so fucking busy, distracted, lost or working jobs just for money to pay bills or whatever else other nonsense.

WHAT MORE IMPORTANT THAT PRESERVING YOUR LIFEEEEE, helloooo!!!??

Listen, what I noticed is that if you don’t get hit by a truck or shot or killed in some way, you age until your body gives out. When the body gives out who the fuck knows where you go. I don’t KNOW, do you?

^ Don’t give me your nonsense theory because I’ll be like ok, cute – how do you KNOW – let’s prove and test it and calculate it and measure it and KNOW IT INDEED BY FACT AND TRUTH AS CLEAR AS WE KNOW AT WHAT TEMP WATER BOILS. Ya know what I mean??

Anyway….

What if we could either stem cell our asses or grow some biological body in a lab or even a robot body I don’t care… and what if we could either transplant the brain or electrode the consciousness from one host to the new host??

WOULDN’T THAT BE AMAZING?????? OR interesting????

I dunno.

Just a thought.

All in all I’m kinda pissed and annoyed but I’m working through it.

Bye.

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Provide

Does not the Earth provide all we need?

Behold the trees – they grow freely without charging anyone a buck

Behold the beasts in the fields — they concern not with credit scores and name brand shoes

The Earth provides.

It provides the fruits, the plants, the wheat, the water, the air, the ground for you to lay

Mama Earth has given birth to you and didn’t charge you a penny for it

You then take of the Earth and put a price on it.
You say “650,000 dollars for this home.”

What is this game we are playing?
What are we doing to each other?
What are we doing to our freedom?
What are we doing to our Earth?
Why are we making each other suffer when we could make peace and love instead?

We can make joy, health, abundance, freedom be the norm.

Yet here we are — needing to borrow 650,000 from a bank plus interest so we can slave doing work just to generate money for what the Earth has already provided to you

Work is inevitable.
To eat you must prepare your meal — there is work in that.
To have shelter you must construct it — there is work in that.

Work and money are two different things.

Why not work to create what is good?

————————————————————-

Sometimes my soul cries
When I see what we are doing to our Earth
To each other

We can do better.

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Money

We have created a world that is built on living off money, rather than living off LIFE

Why do many of us work?

To make money to pay the bills

Like housing, lights, food, etc….


What if we changed the reason why we worked instead?

Why work for money when we can work for havingness and contribution

What if we didn’t need to pay for housing, because we understand that housing is just a need and we provide this for each other simply because we need it

What if we had more people grow their food and we stopped over capitalizing on each other

What if we did things because they were good to do and not because of money

What if we didn’t charge for lights because we know lights are good for us and lights is something we provide for each other so we could see in the dark

What if the systems we create were created for our joy, ease, well being and good rather than profit because we have to play this game of make money to pay bills rather than we work to contribute to our peace and enjoyment and provision

The earth provides what we need

The earth provides the trees that we use for wood to make our homes
Why are we making it harder for each other to exist on this planet?

So many are depressed, sad, anxious, lonely, scared, stuck because of what we’re doing with our economic system

Borrow from the bank to go to school
Borrow from the bank to get a car
Borrow from the bank to get a house

INTEREST INTEREST INTEREST

Interesting for the banks, slavery for the human

Then you go to work to make a little money to just get by
just try to stay afloat

Running in a hamster wheel that doesn’t allow us to flourish

What the F is this bullshit?

We are human beings. We are born of this earth. This amazing earth which provides us with bananas, oranges, strawberries, wheat, pineapples, and each other

We are intelligent

We are creative

Why are we making it hard for us to exist?

Why are we putting ourselves in prisons?

Staring at screens for hours a day, stuck inside, alienated from our families

Rigid systems, taxes left and right

WHAT THE F IS THIS!?

I’m mad.

And I think we could do better

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Human

I woke up from my sleep and now I’m in tears

I had no intention to write here

but the idea and inspiration came over me

“Do it later. Tomorrow. Why now?” My mind chimed in,

yet my body drove itself to the phone, carried itself to the couch and here I am. Tears on my face. Lights off. Room lit by a salt lamp and the light emanating from my phone.

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this experience? Why?

I am wildly human

and sometimes it really saddens me

I see myself in my imperfection

in my humanity

with my needs, wants, expectations

Sometimes I observe myself in action, in my humanity

wanting recognition

thinking I’m better than, thinking I’m less than- thinking this, thinking that — so many thoughts swirling through my head

some days I want to give up

on life, on myself, on the work I do, on everything

and nothing makes me more sad than that part of my truth. That I could get to a point of feeling so broken that it leaves me feeling with a lack of desire for life

I get tired of my own humanity

and I get tired of the humanity of others

I get tired of my experience, because something feels off about it sometimes

I get to these moments where I lose hope for our species. I let the fear, worry, doubt, dissatisfaction win

but it’s for a moment, it’s not all of me

I see the suffering in the world and I want to fix it

I see my own suffering and I want to fix it

what do I have to complain about? I have food in the fridge, a bed to lay in, electricity, heated water that is flowing through pipes that I can turn on in an instant to bathe in. I have clothes, shoes, plants, books, electronics, access to internet, diplomas, a beach less than a mile away.

Yet somehow I still find something to complain about

Sigh… my humanity 😦

I’m sad.

I’m sad for all the people who are struggling. I am sad for all the times I have struggled.

Sometimes I think there is a God. A good God. A kind of God, life, reality and realm where everything truly is perfect. Beautiful, whole, complete and there is no fear— no judgment. No worries. Nothing to do, be, get. Pure bliss. Joy. Rest.
And that perhaps that is the truth of where it’s all at. And that right now we are just having a temporary experience. To learn and to grow. But that in the end we are all safe. We are all okay. Everything is okay. Everyone and everything is good and safe.

Sometimes it’s hard to neglect that there is something truly beautiful happening here. When I observe the perfection of a leaf. The perfection of our bodies — so well designed. The variety of creatures on Earth — each designed so intricately. Everything designed with such precision, mastery, art.

I look around and I see everything that is already working, and I can’t help but be in awe. In gratitude.

At times I feel as if I have no choice but to surrender. To have faith.

Who am I really to even do anything about anything? Sometimes I wonder that too…

Who am I not to?

I can’t let the negative voice win

It’s a constant battle

to get to the light…

I have to keep believing that despite my humanity, despite my flaws, there is something greater orchestrating our world for good

or at least that’s my hope that it ultimately is for good

Ahhhh I don’t wanna ramble your ear off anymore, or your eyes since you’re reading this

Some days I lose hope

but for the most part I believe

I believe and I trust

and I hope that if I do my part, try my best, do my best, give my best and keep hoping for the best — maybe it will be enough

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human

Suddenly it dawned on me… we’re all just human

made of the same stuff…

the people I look up to — the celebrities, the speakers, the doctors, the scientists, the artists; the ones with the skills, talents, wisdom, businesses, houses, fancy charcuterie boards and stuff — they are just human

like me…

That realization both scares me and astonishes me

Do any of us actually know wtf is going on here?

Who do you look at for real answers when we are all just as clueless as the other?

We have theories, ideas, and beliefs about what is happening

but who really KNOWS?

*sigh*

If it’s up to us and only us then we’ve got some serious shit to look at

are we consuming too quickly and are we living sustainably?

what systems are ineffective and what needs to be improved — EVERYWHERE, for EVERYONE

if there is no God or higher intelligence who is going to come to save/help us or intervene when necessary and we just so happen to be an evolutionary process that developed by chance then what does that mean!?

If it’s up to us then who is taking accountability to help?

if it’s up to us and only us then if we don’t collectively get our shit together we could fuck our selves

do you want to be fucked by your own poor choices?

I don’t

So what conversations do we need to be having to sustain ourselves and create a pleasant reality for living beings to enjoy?

This is just a reflection, not a sign to panic

but also a good thing for us to think about

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I’m sorry

I am sorry.

For all the times I’ve failed. For all the times I’ve fallen short. For the times I’ve hurt you. For the times I’ve been less than good.

For the times I’ve envied. Felt jealous. Felt superior. Felt less than. Felt worry. Felt fear. Felt anger. Hatred.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a prison. Sometimes I have no energy. No desire for anything.

I’m sorry for that too.

You are good to me. And I don’t want to take you for granted.

But in this life where everything is slipping away it just feels sort of pointless at times.

Eventually I will have to say good-bye to you. To me. And this truth hurts.

All this effort. All this work. For nothing.

I am sorry for my negative thinking. I wish I knew better. I mean, really knew.

I know conceptually that when you think better you feel better. But I don’t want to just think to think. I want to know.

I want a deeper connection. With myself. With you.

I want to be kind to me. I am kind to the world yet often an enemy to myself.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Be patient with me.

Don’t leave me. Don’t go.

But time is taking it all away.

The plant is dying. I tried to save it. I will try it again.

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