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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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humanity

I’m sorry

I am sorry.

For all the times I’ve failed. For all the times I’ve fallen short. For the times I’ve hurt you. For the times I’ve been less than good.

For the times I’ve envied. Felt jealous. Felt superior. Felt less than. Felt worry. Felt fear. Felt anger. Hatred.

Sometimes I feel like I’m in a prison. Sometimes I have no energy. No desire for anything.

I’m sorry for that too.

You are good to me. And I don’t want to take you for granted.

But in this life where everything is slipping away it just feels sort of pointless at times.

Eventually I will have to say good-bye to you. To me. And this truth hurts.

All this effort. All this work. For nothing.

I am sorry for my negative thinking. I wish I knew better. I mean, really knew.

I know conceptually that when you think better you feel better. But I don’t want to just think to think. I want to know.

I want a deeper connection. With myself. With you.

I want to be kind to me. I am kind to the world yet often an enemy to myself.

I’m sorry.

Forgive me.

Be patient with me.

Don’t leave me. Don’t go.

But time is taking it all away.

The plant is dying. I tried to save it. I will try it again.

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Tired of Being Tired

And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.

I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.

I am tired of pretending for you.

Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.

I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.

And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.

I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.

I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.

I am tired of being tired.

Spectacles

It is interesting to note how your mood impacts your experience of life.
When I wake up and feel great everything around me appears brighter, happier, and wondrous. When I am in a funk, the world seems somber, heavy, and blah. Our moods are like spectacles that we wear. The external world will reflect back your projections depending on which particular spectacle you choose to wear. When you walk out into the world feeling low vibe, events in your life appear worse than they really are. You accidently spill some coffee on yourself and it’s like “FML! Bad things always happen to me.” Low moods make the external world look as if it’s purposely out to get ya. The world is not out to get you – it is only your glasses that make it seem that way.

Taking off your gloomy glasses can be like trying to remove that stubborn ink stain from your favorite white blouse. It’s not always so easy. But it can be done! If you’re riding a low vibe wave and your mood is doom and gloom, here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge and Accept
You don’t want to tell yourself “I shouldn’t feel down,” because doing so only builds on your already negative energy by way of denying your current feeling. You want to acknowledge and accept. Tell yourself, “Hey, I am feeling sad right now, and that’s okay. I am human and it’s okay to experience a variety of moods, including low moods.” The mere act of acknowledging your current mood and accepting it wholeheartedly puts yourself more at ease. Acceptance doesn’t make you feel bad for feeling bad.

2. Tiny Peaks
Tiny peaks will help you smoothly transition from low vibe to higher vibes. If you’re at one end of a road and you’re trying to get to the complete opposite side, unless you have some teleportation device you’re not going to be very successful at making such a huge leap in one step. Instead of telling yourself “I am low, I must be HIGH right NOW, BAM,” think about any one thing that makes you happy. Is it your pet? Is it video games? Is it mountains? Is it the smile of your child? Is it a yummy bowl of chili? (YES! CHILI!) Whatever it is for you – hold that thought in your mind. Holding a happy thought in your mind will not magically boost you from low to high vibe, but it will be a tiny peak closer. And this is what you want! To make small changes that will help raise your frequency and shift you closer to the mood you desire to experience.

3. Remind yourself: I have a choice
The glasses you wear is ultimately your choice, even if it doesn’t seem that way because of its powerful grip on you.  You are infinitely stronger and can always choose to wear a different pair of spectacles. If you’re feeling low, low, low, remind yourself over and over that you have the power to feel high, high, high no matter what. Here are some examples of reminders to tell yourself:
          “Even though I feel down right now, I choose to feel love. I choose to feel happy. I choose to
feel high on life. I choose to feel on top of the world. Even though I am broke and my finances
aren’t the best right now, I choose to feel abundant. I choose to feel rich. I choose to feel taken
care of. Even though I am angry, I choose to let go. I choose to feel calm. I choose to feel as light
as a feather. I choose to feel at peace with myself and others.”

You can add your own words: Even though I am (blank), I choose to feel (all kinds of awesome).

4. Nothing in this world is permanent
If all else fails, rest in this truth – moods come and go and this is natural. It is natural to ride the low waves and there is nothing wrong with you because of this – it only means you’re human. All of what you’re feeling, whether good or bad or in between will pass – I promise.

What spectacle are you wearing today? Is it one that makes you feel good or crappy? You have the power to change your glasses. Wear one that makes you feel FABULOUS, BABY!

Ups, Downs, and in Betweens

There are moments in time where I feel so bored and so blah about life and where I am headed. I start thinking about all the things that went wrong and how I should have taken action earlier. I ruminate.

Yesterday I heard a powerful message by Shirly Joy Weiss, where she reminds us of how normal this act of having negative thoughts is. She goes on to say that it would be a joke to think that we, as humans, wouldn’t experience negative thoughts and emotions. She reinforces that it would be a joke to think that even spiritual teachers themselves don’t go through difficult moments and have negative thoughts and emotions. She recalls to us that this is a fact of life and it’s one of the most normal of experiences. Hearing her reaffirm these statements just made me feel so much better about being human. It’s ok to be bored sometimes. It’s ok to have negative thoughts. All these things come and go. Even the positive thoughts come and go. Our thoughts don’t define us – not the positive, not the negative. We will experience highs, lows, neutrals, in betweens and all else in the spectrum. This is what it means to be alive. To experience. To learn. To be.

We just have to flow with it and remind ourselves that we are so much more than our thoughts and we have to continue to persevere. Let’s persevere together! We can overcome our obstacles and not feel bad because sometimes we fall a little short. We’re human! It’s part of the program!

We got this. Let’s keep on moving! Keep on dancing to the beat of our beautifully unique soul!

WE ROCK!

John

I will tell you about John.

John is a good guy. He walks around trying to do the “right thing.” He smiles at people hoping people will smile back. He yearns to connect; he yearns to be accepted and to accept back.

John loves all people. Even people with three or four heads and eyes. Even purple people, blue people, orange people and invisible people.
John is very curious.
John is scared sometimes because he doesn’t like pain. But he does like it when the nurse comes along and rubs alcohol on his boo-boo. It makes him feel loved. Like someone cares about his well-being.

John likes to play. He wishes he could play all day. He wishes he could climb trees and pretend he is a pirate looking out into the ocean for some loot and new found land.
But there is a thing called “job” he has to do.
John doesn’t necessarily dislike the idea of a job – he understands how important functions are to a well operating society. What John doesn’t like is when he is forced to play roles he doesn’t feel comfortable playing.

John wants to walk around the world and give everyone little paper hearts because he wants people to remember how to love.
John wants people to know how to see not just with the eyes, but with their whole entire being.

John gets angry sometimes. He gets angry when the world expects him to be more than what he already is. It is not that John doesn’t want to be more – or “expand” as he would call it, it’s that John wants the freedom to grow at his own pace.

John doesn’t like when he is corrected in a condescending way.
John wants to be the best John he can be and wants to be spoken to in a loving manner, not in a punishing manner.

John is tired now.

I will share more about him another day.

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