I typed a text but never sent it. I stared at the four words I had written then deleted them, locked my phone and tossed it on the bed.
Have you ever wanted to connect with someone but then didn’t? Because you didn’t want to feel needy? You didn’t want to show you care and be embarrassed?
What nonsense.
A part of me wants to live wild and free. Take the risks. Send the texts. Sell my belongings and just hit the road without a plan. LIVE, ya know? Really live.
And the other part is cautious. Playing it safe. Writing and deleting the text.
This part is holding me back. It’s making my life stiff and presentable so I don’t do anything too risky and mess it all up for good.
—
This year has been so deep and profound. Juicy. Sad. Magical. Too real.
My heart aches and it sings.
I bleed and I dance.
I cry and I grin.
—
Rewind to February 2025 for a moment.
Dang this month scarred me for life.
And every month I’m reminded of it.
—
I suppose that’s what happens. Life keeps shapin’ ya. Changin’ ya. Moldin’ ya. Twistin’ ya. Teachin’ ya. Breakin’ ya and then buildin’ ya up again.
Gahh, I feel it all too deep. So much so I caught myself researching Zoloft.
I don’t know. A part of me loves that I can feel it all and be so deeply FULL SPECTRUM in my experience. It’s fantastic but also incredibly WILD.
Maybe life would be simpler if I was vanilla instead of a rainbow.
I don’t know.
—
I did another life audit today. This is when I sit with my budget, my life goals and vision to determine if I am on track. Am I creating that which I say I want? I assess my numbers. I assess housing prices. I assess land prices. I assess travel plans. I assess the work I’m doing. I assess my actions.
I’ve accomplished many goals, but I am still scratching the surface.
There is this massive power within me I wish to unleash. I feel suppressed. Like the levels of my highest potential haven’t been hit yet. That makes sense though. We’re all on a journey and I just need to calm down, be patient and enjoy the process.
It’s weird though because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow.
But I hope I get to the climax of my experience – and I hope to preserve it for as long as I can.
Sometimes I feel so much awe and gratitude for this epic life experience my heart wants to burst.
I’m fascinated.
Speechless.
There is so much that is already working. WOW.
You are all truly amazing. Works of art.
I am blown away by your talent. Your intelligence. Your creativity. Your genius.
GAHH.
Look at us.
Look how far we’ve come and how much we’ve done. I am basically an evolved ape typing on a computer. C’mon now. LOL what!? Don’t even get me started on the fact that we even exist in the first place.
I just want to fall in love and dance my heart away.
Take my hand ~ let’s love and dance.
I think it’s time I go buck wild.
Intentionally, mindfully.
Post the content. Take the trip. Tell the neighbor he is so damn hot it should be illegal to be that hot.
We’re all dying…time and space just hasn’t caught up yet.
Don’t waste your life freaking out. Worrying about things that life will sort out anyway in time – believe that. Even if you don’t know the way forward, don’t you worry darling, life does. Life does.
So dance. Love. Laugh. Smile. Do a nice little thing for the next person.
You matter. You’re magnificent.
—
I don’t want to live some boring life, pay some bills and die.
Nah… I want to send little messages out in the world to SAY YOU ARE MAGIC.
I want to dance on the sidewalk, drink a little too much wine on a Wednesday night and wake up early anyway to go to yoga. I want to book a random flight to Italy. Get a tattoo in Bali. Drive across the country and scream “I LOVE YOU” to the stars out of the car window. I want to tip the barista a little too much just because. Hey, I’ll even text my ex. BUCK WILD BABY BUCK WILD!!!
I caught a glimpse of the new moon resting gently in the sky.
I felt her energy remind me, it’s time to step into the new.
Shed, shed, shed the old.
The old patterns
The old fears
The old stories that keep you small,
The traumas
The worries
The doubts
and walk, walk, waltz.
Dive, dance, melt into the new.
EMBODY IT
Embody the version of you you wish to be.
Let the energetic frequency be so clear, there is no mistake.
There is no confusion, no nonsense, no halfway energy.
Embody the joy, the peace, the love, the abundance.
YOU ARE IT!
Feel the frequency of heaven and BE IT.
Be what you wish to see.
Be, do, have.
We create our reality with the choices we make.
Every day we are choosing.
We choose the clothes we wear, the foods we eat, and whether or not we snooze the alarm.
We make the rules, the laws, the bread, the systems, the everything we have here in this world — collectively, together. We do it. It’ us.
If there are wars — it’s us. It’s our fault. WE are doing this. We we we we.
If there is poverty, it’s us. We’re to blame.
And we are also the solution.
It’s tough to save the whole world. There isn’t enough time in the day to address all the BS going on. But if more of us address it on a personal level, that will ripple. If we each choose peace individually, we will have peace collectively. Imagine that?
“Imagine all the people, living life in peace”…..
“You may say I’m a dreamer, but I am not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us. And the world will be as one.”
—
Gahh…. I could burst sometimes. In sheer, magnificent, juicy AWE.
What is this experience?? What IS THIS??
Apparently we’re all energy? Mostly energy vibrating in space. Trippy shit.
Let’s have a good time, folks!!
—
Do you ever just want someone even though you know you’re not compatible?
Today I also caught a glimpse of you…
and you looked like Heaven.
So close to you, yet so far
Open door, thick walls.
Do you believe in magic?
In manifestation?
I think it’s better when you don’t force it. When you let the magic itself unfold.
How do I let go and forget?
I don’t want to care. But apparently my brain has other plans.
The journey is the destination. This process is the whole point.
I need to learn to enjoy it more. Even when you are so far.
It’s easier to walk away than to stay the course when it gets hard.
But I am learning that emotions are a dangerous place to build anything solid on.
Life gets hard. It’s not all happy. It’s not all easy. As much as I’ll be the first to say I’m all about the magic, now I’m wise enough to know there is another side to this coin — the cold hard, facts of reality. Ouch, does it hurt.
Will you stay only when the days are good? When the sun is out and everyone is dancing and there is plenty? Or will you stay when it actually matters — when the thunderstorms block out the sunshine, when there’s no one out to play, and when now there is less than enough?
It is easy to stay when there’s laughter. When there’s joy. When there’s fun. It’s not easy to stay when there’s pain, when there’s loss, when reality blocks out the magic.
You will get sick one day. You will be sad. You will lose the spark. You will feel pain. And that is when we need each other the most. That is when it matters to stay. To say “I’m right here. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to put on a show. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be anything or do anything. I’m right here.”
Oh, what a love. A love that stays. A love that stays in the good days and the bad, in the in between, in the mundane.
I’ll be with you on the highs. I’ll be with you on the lows. I’ll be with you in the messy middle. I’ll be with you in the mundane. I’ll be with you when it’s sunshine, I’ll be with you when it rains. I’ll be with you in your weakness, I’ll be with you in your strength. I’ll be with you when you’re lost and have no clue what you’re doing. I won’t give up just because it’s hard. I won’t give up just because it’s suddenly inconvenient, suddenly it isn’t fun. No. I will stay.
—
I am finding that this gift of staying is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. To be here even on the days you feel like a troll and wonder where the heck your youth has gone. In sickness and in health. In bounty or desert. I am right here. I am right there. I am not going anywhere. I am with you from the moment you were born and I will be with you until your last breath. I will not leave or abandon you. I am right here. I am right there.
How long will I keep this up? Pretending I am normal and okay when I’m really not. It takes massive amounts of energy to be normal. To put on an act. All I want to do is relax into who I really am. To not pretend. To not be that nice. The truth is, I’m not easily impressed but I want people to be happy. I want people to see their own light. It’s hard for me to not be pleasing. Like today, when my Lyft driver was talking up a storm yet all I wanted was for him to drive faster and focus on the road, not show me content on his phone. But I didn’t say anything. I just… kept entertaining the convo.
I’m tired of trying to please everyone. Of being agreeable and trying to keep the peace.
Anyway, today was a magical day. But it was hard to fully enjoy it because I am holding all this tension — plus I was wearing the wrong shoes for the occasion. I want to release the pressure I put on myself. I want to reduce the fucks I give. It can be very hard, especially being an empath.
Anyway, I’m blabbering on like usual. I don’t want this to be so long ;).
I think I’m in love… again lol
ai ai ai
His eyes are dreamy and blue
His soul, a whole universe.
I think I have commitment issues. It’s hard to imagine myself with just one person for more than a few years. A lifetime is a long time to stay with someone. Maybe I just haven’t found the person to whom I’d want to keep committing to. So perhaps the issue isn’t the commitment itself? I don’t know. Do you ever feel that way?
Maybe we’ll get rich and have a baby.
Maybe I’ll get rich and always be a wanderer. A loner. A woman without kiddos.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Lately I don’t hold on to any certainties. I realize life is too unpredictable for that.
I need to find more clarity. Where does one go for that?
______
I want to know who you really are.
I don’t want to pretend.
I just wish to be free.
A day without you feels like an eternity.
But I don’t want to get carried away.
I’ve done that and it led me to fall off a cliff I’m still licking the wounds from.
How do you remain balanced — centered, when all you want to do is get deeply lost in love?
To lose track of time and just rest my head on your shoulder while you tell me about your next business endeavor. I could listen forever.
I’m already getting carried away. Apparently I can’t help it… something about the way my astral chart is positioned apparently makes me “romantic and impractical.” #Thepattern. Sounds about right.
Anyway…I’m kinda mad. Mad that I am in a human body and not just floating in space like magical fairy dust.
These bodies just feel so dense and this world so full of nonsensical demands, I’m kinda over it.
How is it that with all our brilliance the best we’ve got is sick time, PTO, and bills?
Why aren’t our systems set up to support us to actually live? It breaks my heart seeing mothers who would want to raise their babies having to leave their babies to go do a job just to get by. Families being split up during the day when they would much rather be together, raising their babies.
Don’t get me started.
Anyway, I am dreaming up a non-profit. One where we volunteer our labor to construct each other’s homes. I’d call it “The Volunteer Society”. We could raise funds to acquire construction materials. We would come together as a collective and volunteer our time and labor to create gorgeous homes for each other. All we need is each other. The Earth has already provided what we need.
I have a lot of great ideas but often not a lot of energy for execution or enough support. A problem I keep running into that makes it very heavy for me and sometimes makes me want to give up hope.
Anyway………….
I’m in love, as usual. With you, with me, with life, with everything….
And also in despair at times…..
Bleh.
Must keep believing.
It all still feels so far away and I feel like I am failing.
Feelings aren’t facts though, so gotta watch out for the cognitive trap of “emotional reasoning”.
Idk. Nothing is a guarantee anyway.
Keepin’ the faith though. Keepin’ the faith.
Lately I’ve been swimming in duality pretty hard core.
Holding the full weight of the paradox in my nervous system.
Life and death.
Everything and nothing.
Loving you and hating you.
Holding on and letting go.
I must be able to do both.
I am sitting with complexity. With nuance. Learning to be soft and strong. Open and discerning. Hopeful and wise.
I’ve been naive and delusional. There’s a part of me that still is because deep down I still believe in the magical. In the miracle. In the mystical.
There is this new part that is coming through now. A sage. A mothering spirit. A fierce protector. A guard. A part who is more selective. A part who is more refined. A part who knows how to say “no.” A part who can speak up. A part who is grounded. A part who is solid.
Yet in all of that, still holding this full surrendered letting go. Knowing all too well nothing is guaranteed – not even the next moment. I used to believe my dreams would certainly come to pass. Now, I still believe they will but with the awareness they are not guarantees. It’s all subject to change.
I sit with trust and surrender. I sit with hope and detachment. I sit with anger and understanding. With sadness and awe. With hate and with love. I sit with all of it. It’s like I’ve swallowed the universe whole and it’s ripping through my throat as it goes down past my chest taking bits of me and it sits in my tummy. It’s a painful digest. It’s a painful release. And a beautiful, glorious transformation.
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