Search

Open Search
Tag

pain

Rest In Reality

“Rest in reality” she said, and as an avid dreamer that statement hit me like a ton of bricks, quite in the way reality usually does.

I like living in the clouds. Romanticizing all the little details. Takin’ my sweet ol’ time, ya know?

But lately reality has been hittin’ me hard. It’s reminding me “Sweetie, you’re in a body. On a planet. There are rules here. Laws here.”

And suddenly I wake from my twilight anesthesia, drowsy, confused, like “what?”

“Yep. Rules, baby rules” it reminds me.

Sigh.

Anyway.

Rest in reality. Now that’s something I’ve been resisting like the plague.

But I am learning. Learning that IT IS WHAT IT IS SOMETIMES.

Expectations don’t always match reality. Life sometimes will do it’s own thing no matter how damn hard you try. You don’t always get what you want. You WILL feel pain. You will lose. You will get rejected. Your dream might not come true.

Yes, life is beautiful. But also, it is not.

So I just want to take a moment to honor and acknowledge that.

I am learning to accept, and dare I say, love what is. But let’s not get too carried away. I’m definitely not at the “loving it” stage yet. Not even close. I am kind of sort of learning — ya know? It’s been kinda like trying to learn to walk a tightrope while juggling flaming baseball bats with a weighted vest. It’s a circus right now.

In all seriousness though, it is indeed a beautiful skill to develop. To hold the grief in solid wisdom, bow to life in respect and give it a kiss in the forehead in reverence and say “I understand. I accept.”

Because as my good friend Silvia would say, “It is what it is.”

0

Speechless

I am speechless. Humbled. Fallen to my knees in forced surrender.
I wish I could encapsulate the depth of my sorrow in words — perhaps this is what black holes are made of. Sorrow. Pain. Suffering. Grief. Deep devastating grief.

But even here. Even in this moment where my breath is taken, where I have lost my innocent hope –where I am faced with impermanence– where the pieces are falling away and turning to dust. Even here, I am choosing to love. I am choosing grace. Compassion. Gentleness. And to trust.

0

Endings

There is something so deeply poetic about endings.

Life is constantly in the process of moving, from one moment to the next.

The moment you started reading this is already over, you are now getting to the middle and now the end of this sentence.

It’s all evaporating. Morphing. Changing.
Everything changes.
And what hurts is that sometimes we wish it wouldn’t.
We wish we didn’t have to say good bye to the people and places we love because letting go of something we hold dear is painful.

There is something so deeply painful about going through the loss of what we love.
The loss of a lover, a friend, a parent, our youth.

There is something so bittersweet about this aspect of change. Change is what allows us to experience. To grow. To move through time.

Sometimes it means moving closer to the people and things we want, while other times moving further and further away.

The pain of a breakup feels like the soul is being ripped apart.
The pain of detaching. Healing. It hurts so profoundly.

Wounds can be complex in nature. They have dimension. They can bring both wisdom, sadness, fondness, appreciation, regret. Some wounds are like a soup carrying a mixture of flavors and many ingredients.

It’s so hard to say good bye sometimes.
Yet it’s these very endings that clear the same for the new. For rebirth. For transformation. We must let go of what is in order to step into what is becoming and what will be. It’s the endings that will make way for your greatest joys. For fresh energy to enter your life and new wisdom to be gained.
Until it’s time to say good bye to that too at some point. A new ending from another beginning.

Gahhhh.

I like to think of enduring endings the way you would a tattoo. They’re painful, but you just sit there and take the pain. Sometimes that’s all we can do. Is sit and take the pain. To fully sink into it and feel it. To embrace the shadow, the dark, the hurt, the loss, the sickness, the breakdown, the storm. To look it all in the face and simply endure. Simply be with it. Simply accept that it hurts and that all we can do in this moment is feel the pain. There is no where to go or hide. The only place is here and now and this pain.

Oof.

Boy, I tell ya. This life. It’s a sick, wild, beautiful, wonderful, sad, bittersweet piece of art.


0

Suffering

Life has its beautiful moments
but it also serves us a fair share of suffering

This post is to acknowledge the suffering

Today I find myself in tears
thick, warm droplets stream down my cheeks
paper towels soaked of the storms from my eyes
though I can’t identify exactly why

But if I tried to explain why it would sound a little something along the lines of: existential dread combined with feeling lost, pressures of needing to be productive yet feeling suffocated creatively, while also recovering from being sick this week

Having been sick this week has once again reminded me of the finitude of life
That life is unpredictable and fragile
That our destination is to each day age some more and each day get closer to death

And I just want to take a moment to acknowledge that it’s sad to be sick
It’s sad when we go through moments of struggle

It’s sad when we see the people we love struggle, age, get sick and die

It’s sad going through loss
It’s sad going through heart break
It’s sad losing the things you’ve worked so hard for
It’s sad going through financial struggles
It’s sad when things are sad


Existence also comes with sadness


So I’d like to take a moment to sit with the sadness
and to admit that life isn’t just beautiful
It’s also hard… and it’s also sad

-Meseeks, photo credit to illustrators of Rick and Morty

0

Ache

My head aches.

My body aches.

My heart aches.

My stomach aches.

My soul aches.

Was it one drink too many that eventually did it?

I’m tired of being the one who’s always wrong. Despite my every attempt it just seems like I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll always be wrong. Always be not enough. Always be the crazy blonde girl who jumped on stage.

I don’t like who I see in the reflection mirrored in your eyes. There’s this distorted image of me. There’s me looking away because I can’t make any sense of why you’re staring at me.

Are you trying to figure out if you like me enough to stay? Have you made a decision? Will you ever?

My brain aches trying to decode your mixed messages.

I’m tired. I’m old.

I’m exhausted from overthinking. From trying to “figure it out.”

From wondering if you’re just waiting for someone else to come along so the “place holder” I’ve become can just be discarded like an over used tissue paper.

Actions speak louder than words. And all I hear you saying is “I care. But not enough.”

 

0

Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

0

Corporal Punishment

“Experience life in all possible ways —
good-bad, bitter-sweet, dark-light,
summer-winter. Experience all the dualities. 
Don’t be afraid of experience, because the more experience you have, the more mature you become.” -Osho

I was beaten as a child. Threatened.
“I’ll throw you across the walls and step on your neck,” my mom would say.

I was beaten by my grandmother too. I never liked her. She was mean to me.

I also have a vivid memory of when I was beaten by my uncle. I guess I deserved it that time because he was beating me for getting into it with a girl at school.

I was beaten by my sister. I remember having a black and blue eye from the silver latch of the belt she was using. I must have been 5 years old. 6 at most. Because all of this happened in Brazil while I was growing up.Then we moved to the U.S. I was still beaten by my mom occasionally, but less so.

I don’t condone what they did, but I also don’t blame them. It is common in Brazil to beat your kids. This was their level of consciousness. This is how they grew up, this is what they thought was right.

I don’t agree with this kind of treatment. I was a child. And I don’t think any human child deserves to be beaten.

 

(My eyes get a little watery when I revisit these memories for too long)

I would wish I was born to a different family. Especially the nice ones I would see in movies.

I wonder what the correlation is between my getting beaten and my struggles with self worth, self-esteem are?

I don’t usually go back to the past and think about these things. I don’t even hold a grudge in my heart or blame my family for doing what they knew in their level of consciousness to be right at the time.

I just wanted to share this part of my story with you.

I didn’t grow up in the best neighborhood. Not the worst either – but certainly could have been better.
I have some memories of being picked on at school. Pushed. Bullied.
But that didn’t last very long.

The quality of my school improved when I went to High School. Though there were still some kids to be afraid of there.

I tried my best to navigate my life with what I had. And surprisingly ended up the way I am – with a heart full of love and forgiveness.

I don’t hold on to the bad that happens to me. At least not for long anyway.

The negative experiences affect me, of course. Challenge me. Fuck me up a little.
But I do everything I can to transcend them.

I want to leave a better world behind. I want to be the best me despite the hardships.

I’ve experienced some pretty difficult situations in my life. Many in my childhood that I never knew how to process and didn’t have the most educated family to support or guide me.

I accept my family though. I accept where I came from. I appreciate who I’ve become.

Of course if I had a choice to have had a more wholesome upbringing I would choose that in a heartbeat – but what’s the point on dwelling on that? I rather let go of the past and be grateful for who I’ve become despite my difficulties. I rather be thankful for this really amazing life I am fortunate to be experiencing and creating now as an adult in this world.

Sometimes I think I harbor some negative energy – and I think it may still be from the past experiences that have shaped me in who I currently am.

I’m actively working to transform that every day, though.

I really and truly believe in a beautiful world filled with beautiful people living wholesome lives. This is the world that I want to create for myself. This is the world I want to contribute towards creating.

I am a huge advocate of peace, love, forgiveness, compassion and all things good.

I want to transcend my limitations. I want to transcend the lodged fears that make me feel like I’m somehow not enough, not worthy or stupid.

I don’t experience this all the time. But I experience it sometimes.

And I just wanted you to know.

 

Also, don’t feel bad for me. That’s not why I wrote this. I just want you to know me more.

 

Don’t think my story was all grim. There was so much laughter and so much good!

 

This is just a little bit of my darker days and simply a part of the story that shaped me as a whole.

0

The Shelter… And My Reflections On The Right To Death

I’ve been meaning to tell you about the shelter.

It’s where I work now. Among 134 homeless people. 

I work on the women’s floor. My office sits by the middle-front of the unit surrounded by 54 beds separated by shared cubicles where the women rest their heads every night next to the little property they have.

This job is teaching me about gratitude. Resilience. It’s awakening me to make smarter choices in finances, health, family. It’s teaching me what NOT to do. 

I am seeing how blessed I’ve been, despite my hardships.

I fight back and fourth in my head about this “blessed” mentality, though. Because some people are fully responsible for where they find themselves. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being “blessed” or not but a matter of taking control of your life, making healthy choices and not fucking up.
 
But there are times when people are just struck by sudden misfortune or they’re dealt challenging cards right from birth. Yeah, I give those people a pass — but not forever. The tools, resources and help is out there if you take it, apply it, and make the best of your situation. 

Reflecting on this topic makes me want to talk about death.

I’ve been meaning to write on this subject FOR A VERY LONG TIME NOW.

Contrary to popular opinion, I am a HUGE advocate of euthanasia. 
Not only for elderly people who are suffering with no chance of recovery, but for ANYONE who does not wish to live.

I think people should have the full right to life but also a full right to death.

Why shouldn’t I have a right to my death? It’s MY life – so why do I not have the right to say at what point I want it to end , especially if it’s going to end one day anyway? Shouldn’t I get a say of exactly when if I so wanted to? My vote is yes.

I’m totally digressing from my original topic – the shelter – and am opening a whole other can of worms here. I know.

But part of the reason I am connecting the two is because of the suffering I see. 

I don’t know what happens after death, no one does for certain, I don’t think. 
BUT if we knew that death is in fact a “get out of suffering card” why shouldn’t it be an option for people?

Why should people continue to live in suffering when they can be at peace through death if that is what they truly wish?

I believe in assisted suicide.

I believe that people should be granted a funeral at their time and date of choosing. 
I believe it could be a beautiful and peaceful ceremony where the dying person can choose to pass away into peace rather than remain alive in suffering just waiting to get hit by a truck or slowly die of cancer or even violently kill themselves. 

I know this is a strong statement. And not a lot of people will agree.

But I am sticking to it. 

I am speaking for those who are suffering and in pain and who would rather rest in peace than live in suffering. 

This is what they say:
“I am hurting. I don’t want to live in suffering. I don’t want to be here at all. I just want peace and rest. It’s my life. I have the right to say what happens to it. And I choose to opt out of this suffering I am in. If death truly is the cure to this suffering, please let me have it.”

I’ll probably talk more about this in a future time, but for now – these are my reflections on the matter.
 

 

1

Let Go of The Outcome

“The root of suffering is attachment.” – Buddha

I resonate with the above quote.
When I cling to people, places, material possessions, status, you name it, whenever the target of my clinging is threatened – I experience emotional pain – a.k.a “suffering.”

Sometimes that emotional pain is also linked to physical responses in my body. My heart beats fast, my stomach sinks, I feel nauseous, my temperature rises, I cry, I curl into a little ball in a stew of emotions.

I experience this roller coaster of symptoms when I lose.
When I lose that which I have become attached to.
Sometimes it even happens when I imagine loss. Or perceive loss.

The guy I have been dating is showing up online on a dating site.
So what does my heart do?
It tightens.
What does my mind do?
It races.

“Oh. I guess he’s still searching. I guess I haven’t made a big enough impression to get him to stop seeking. I guess he’s not that into me. I guess I’m not enough for him. Maybe he’ll meet someone else he’ll find more interesting and move on happily while I’ll be back to square one.”

Attachment. Fear based thoughts.

But what if I let go of the outcome? What if I pull back and re-frame my response?

Truth is – nothing belongs to me. Nothing is mine. I simply get to share temporary experiences in a fleeting, changing environment that I do not and cannot possess. Yet in an attempt to hold on, to keep for longer, to experience more of – I attach.

I say, “I want you.”
I say, “Be mine.”
I say, “Don’t leave.”
I say, “I don’t want to let go.”
I say “I don’t want to say good bye.”

And when I do this, I hurt. Because I am trying to hold onto what time is literally ripping out of my tiny little hands.

see-them-floundering

So then what is the way to relieve this?

Non-attachment. Letting go. Release the hold.

No attachment to the outcome.
No fear of letting go.
Pure surrender.

Does that mean that I don’t love? That I don’t care? That I don’t experience fully? No. Quite the opposite.

Every moment becomes extremely meaningful, because every moment is unique, special, fleeting, and forever elusive.

Through non-attachment every moment becomes lighter because it can pass through you without getting stuck. It can just come and go and there is no fighting to keep it, no fighting to get more of it, no fighting for its return. Everything can just be.

It can come and it can go.

And when it comes – what a joy to have it.
When it goes [breathes out]  what a joy to see it go.

This is true freedom.

*image credit to realbuddhaquotes.com

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑