Hey, I wish I had words. But they’ve all been suffocated. Suffocated by loss, change, time, pressure, devastation. And still. Still I hold on. Firm as can be. Even though I wobble. Somehow, this root, planted firm is still here.
It’s been a while since I came here to chat with you. I wish I could hold you and stay a while. Lay my head on your shoulder and tell you everything there is to know.
I want to be true. Real. Honest. Pure.
But the world makes it difficult to be so. Or is that an excuse?
What if I just tried? Tried to be transparent?
Anyway, this all sounds kind of cryptic.
I’ve been going through it. Through it. Through it. Through it.
And now I am tired. In need of a break before I break.
Oh wait, I’m already broken.
Broken. Broken. Gone.
The passage of time has made it all gone.
It’s all gone. Time and space is just catching up.
How morbid, right?
Or is it just too real to accept?
Why do we avoid the reality? Polish ourselves and present the best.
Nothing wrong with presenting the best. But then we hide the truth.
Hide the truth. Hide the truth.
I just want to be real. I just want you to know. I just want to know.
Know. Know. Know.
—
Sigh.
—
So I moved to Texas.
What’s that about?
I would never guess it so.
I remember days before sitting on the beach overlooking the ocean from the cliff. The sky so blue. Peace in the air. Temperature perfect. “This is too perfect it can’t be real.” Enamored. Enamored. Enamored. Enamored by the beauty. The beauty of this place I call home. California. You are home.
I don’t want to go into details right now but eventually I will.
I just wanted to say hello.
Hello. Hello. Hello.
I am having a hard time speaking. A hard time expressing. Pray for me.
Today I am feeling grateful
My body feels relaxed and the temperature outside feels comfortable to my body
I can see the stars from the porch where I’m sitting
I’m clean from a shower and today was a good day
my tummy is adequately full and my body is nourished
ahhhh
how it feels good to take a deep breath and to truly delight in the beauty of a good moment
where your heart is content and your physical body wants for nothing
moments like these are magic
moments like these are precious
I want more peaceful moments to exist for people…
sometimes I think about the others who are struggling and my heart hurts. I want to be able to help more of the world, because I believe we should all enjoy a good life and have as many good moments as possible
I hope we humans become more mature,
less animalistic and a bit more conscious
conscious of our emotions, our thoughts and the impact we have on each other and the world
the more we can learn about ourselves and each other the more we can have understanding and compassion
We all share this planet, we all bleed red
and I believe if we worked more collaboratively, with the understanding we are all part of the puzzle, the more awesome we could really make this life on Earth
anyway… I went on a tangent there
And here’s another one…
Wtf is going on though? What really is this life? What really is all this?
Today I remembered that my favorite aunt died last year…and it reminded me that this life is temporary
it also reminded me that bad things happen sometimes, and it’s like UGH what an interesting experience this is — this life thing… there’s some awesome things but also some really shitty, crappy, painful things that happen… BLEH! What an interesting THING this all is.
Sigh…
I have so much to say but sometimes don’t have the words
Thank you for this incredible experience
Forgive me for my faults, my mistakes, my humanity, my immaturity, my fears, my doubt, my shame, my shortcomings
my desire is to do the best I can and hope for the best,
and I’m sorry that my best sometimes is kind of shitty because I’m just not perfect
sometimes I’m lazy
sometimes I’m scared
sometimes I’m ignorant
sometimes I’m stubborn
sometimes I’m in my ego or too in my pride and avoid humility
sometimes I let the worst parts of me win and I can’t help it
but in my heart I know that I want nothing more than for everything and everyone to be safe and okay, and for all to be well and good… because why would anyone want the opposite of that?
I also think I’m a hypocrite sometimes
because how can I even say I’m a good and “conscious minded” person if I still eat meat
I’m over here preaching love and light yet eating animals that haven’t died of natural cause, wtf is that about? Something I still want to work on in this life time
anyway, enough of my nonsense for the day
thanks for being here
I woke up from my sleep and now I’m in tears
I had no intention to write here
but the idea and inspiration came over me
“Do it later. Tomorrow. Why now?” My mind chimed in,
yet my body drove itself to the phone, carried itself to the couch and here I am. Tears on my face. Lights off. Room lit by a salt lamp and the light emanating from my phone.
Who am I? What am I doing here? What is this experience? Why?
I am wildly human
and sometimes it really saddens me
I see myself in my imperfection
in my humanity
with my needs, wants, expectations
Sometimes I observe myself in action, in my humanity
wanting recognition
thinking I’m better than, thinking I’m less than- thinking this, thinking that — so many thoughts swirling through my head
some days I want to give up
on life, on myself, on the work I do, on everything
and nothing makes me more sad than that part of my truth. That I could get to a point of feeling so broken that it leaves me feeling with a lack of desire for life
I get tired of my own humanity
and I get tired of the humanity of others
I get tired of my experience, because something feels off about it sometimes
I get to these moments where I lose hope for our species. I let the fear, worry, doubt, dissatisfaction win
but it’s for a moment, it’s not all of me
I see the suffering in the world and I want to fix it
I see my own suffering and I want to fix it
what do I have to complain about? I have food in the fridge, a bed to lay in, electricity, heated water that is flowing through pipes that I can turn on in an instant to bathe in. I have clothes, shoes, plants, books, electronics, access to internet, diplomas, a beach less than a mile away.
Yet somehow I still find something to complain about
Sigh… my humanity 😦
I’m sad.
I’m sad for all the people who are struggling. I am sad for all the times I have struggled.
Sometimes I think there is a God. A good God. A kind of God, life, reality and realm where everything truly is perfect. Beautiful, whole, complete and there is no fear— no judgment. No worries. Nothing to do, be, get. Pure bliss. Joy. Rest.
And that perhaps that is the truth of where it’s all at. And that right now we are just having a temporary experience. To learn and to grow. But that in the end we are all safe. We are all okay. Everything is okay. Everyone and everything is good and safe.
Sometimes it’s hard to neglect that there is something truly beautiful happening here. When I observe the perfection of a leaf. The perfection of our bodies — so well designed. The variety of creatures on Earth — each designed so intricately. Everything designed with such precision, mastery, art.
I look around and I see everything that is already working, and I can’t help but be in awe. In gratitude.
At times I feel as if I have no choice but to surrender. To have faith.
Who am I really to even do anything about anything? Sometimes I wonder that too…
Who am I not to?
I can’t let the negative voice win
It’s a constant battle
to get to the light…
I have to keep believing that despite my humanity, despite my flaws, there is something greater orchestrating our world for good
or at least that’s my hope that it ultimately is for good
Ahhhh I don’t wanna ramble your ear off anymore, or your eyes since you’re reading this
Some days I lose hope
but for the most part I believe
I believe and I trust
and I hope that if I do my part, try my best, do my best, give my best and keep hoping for the best — maybe it will be enough
