It’s easier to walk away than to stay the course when it gets hard.
But I am learning that emotions are a dangerous place to build anything solid on.
Life gets hard. It’s not all happy. It’s not all easy. As much as I’ll be the first to say I’m all about the magic, now I’m wise enough to know there is another side to this coin — the cold hard, facts of reality. Ouch, does it hurt.
Will you stay only when the days are good? When the sun is out and everyone is dancing and there is plenty? Or will you stay when it actually matters — when the thunderstorms block out the sunshine, when there’s no one out to play, and when now there is less than enough?
It is easy to stay when there’s laughter. When there’s joy. When there’s fun. It’s not easy to stay when there’s pain, when there’s loss, when reality blocks out the magic.
You will get sick one day. You will be sad. You will lose the spark. You will feel pain. And that is when we need each other the most. That is when it matters to stay. To say “I’m right here. You don’t have to be okay. You don’t have to be happy. You don’t have to put on a show. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be anything or do anything. I’m right here.”
Oh, what a love. A love that stays. A love that stays in the good days and the bad, in the in between, in the mundane.
I’ll be with you on the highs. I’ll be with you on the lows. I’ll be with you in the messy middle. I’ll be with you in the mundane. I’ll be with you when it’s sunshine, I’ll be with you when it rains. I’ll be with you in your weakness, I’ll be with you in your strength. I’ll be with you when you’re lost and have no clue what you’re doing. I won’t give up just because it’s hard. I won’t give up just because it’s suddenly inconvenient, suddenly it isn’t fun. No. I will stay.
—
I am finding that this gift of staying is one of the best gifts we can give ourselves. To be here even on the days you feel like a troll and wonder where the heck your youth has gone. In sickness and in health. In bounty or desert. I am right here. I am right there. I am not going anywhere. I am with you from the moment you were born and I will be with you until your last breath. I will not leave or abandon you. I am right here. I am right there.
So far in my life all of my romantic relationships have lasted an average of like 3 years…
I have learned that just because something isn’t “forever” or for a lifetime doesn’t mean that it isn’t meaningful. Relationships don’t have to last a lifetime in order for them to be beautiful, important, and exactly what we needed them to be while they lasted.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of open relationships…
Would I ever want a dynamic like this?
Right now I’m in a place in life where for the first time ever I don’t want a relationship
I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was like 16 years old
I’m 33 now
Don’t you think it’s time for me to just be at PEACE on my own without needing to be with another?
I think it’s much needed
Like, who am?
What do I like?
And if I’m loud who cares — I don’t need your approval
This is my face, this is my body, this is my personality — TA DA
(Not saying this in an arrogant “my way or the high way, I don’t need nobody and don’t make compromises” typa way) I’m saying this in a more gentle “I accept myself and your acceptance is great but not needed for me to feel okay” typa way…
I feel like I’m in a time where I finally just want to focus all of my attention on me (and what a relief to get to this point, because I’ve been trying to find the “right” boy since I basically came out of the womb)
but I am wondering… If I ever do decide to lay my attention on another again, could I ever really be with just ONE person — for the rest of my life?
I don’t know
Right now I am feeling open
Open to exploring
Open to allowing things to unfold without needing to pin them down or make them into anything
I am open to BEING…
The other day I kissed a girl
There’s that
I feel like there’s a world inside me on the topic of self worth, value and relationships I want to share with you soon…. but for today I’ll just leave it at this, open ended
There has always been a longing to find someone or something out there to make me whole. Complete me. Validate me.
But I am beginning to shift. There is this deep longing to come home to myself. To accept myself. To live in peace with myself. To approve myself. To simply connect to my breath. To my own existence without needing anything more to fulfill me.
From a very young age I had long term relationships. I was married at 18. It lasted 5 years.
I transitioned straight into another long term relationship.
And then another.
For a large portion of my life I had built my identity on the basis of being with someone. And for the short time where I wasn’t with someone I kept searching for someone.
I haven’t yet learned to just be with myself. To be without searching for someone outside of me to comfort me. To be by me. To make me feel okay. Validated. More whole.
I want this. I want to come home to me.
It’s easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves.
We say to ourselves, “You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” Things we wouldn’t dare say to someone else. As if others are somehow more worthy.
The way we talk to ourselves is so important to our wellbeing. It ultimately determines how we feel. It becomes so heavy to walk around with an evil critic between our ears constantly tearing us down; reminding us that we’re not good enough and that’s why people walk away; that’s why we never get the promotion.
We learn to pick at ourselves from a very young age. Sometimes we learn it from our parents who scolds us saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother, he always gets A’s?” Or from teachers who call us out in front of the class shouting, “You gotta keep up with the class, Junior!”. Sometimes we learn it from bullies. From grandma who pokes fun of us at thanksgiving dinner with her unfiltered comments, “Mija, you should really hold off on that cake cuz you already got plenty of layers on you, don’t you think?”
We learn it from the media who tells us that beauty is a certain weight, height, shape, color, and lips that are about mango size. We learn it from our boss who overlooks our efforts but promotes lazy Betty who you know you do far more work than she does on any given day.
But where or when we learn to self-hate & self criticize matters much less than what we do about it. What REALLY matters is how we decide we’re going to treat ourselves once we awaken to the fact that we’ve adopted the habit of being our own worst enemy.
See, the world can say whatever bullshit they want – but as long as we don’t take it on board, as long as we don’t adopt the BS for ourselves then we’re Gucci.
What we say to ourselves and what we think about ourselves is the defining factor in how we’re going to feel.
We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. To forgive ourselves. To nurture ourselves. To support ourselves.
We can’t be bullying ourselves and expect to feel good.
We are in our bodies 24/7 for the rest of this life – wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to walk around with a critical enemy narrating attacks in our heads all day? Yes! It would be liberating.
Wouldn’t it be so much more fun if it felt like the voice in our head felt like a supportive friend, a loving parent, an encouraging coach, a forgiving partner? Ahhh yes! It would be amazing.
And this is possible.
We can learn to be kind to ourselves.
We can learn to be on our own side. To believe in ourselves. To feel enough. To feel good in our skin. To feel proud of ourselves.
The same way we learned to be an enemy to ourselves through past experiences we can learn to be our own friend.
Practice today. Practice loving kindness to yourself. Practice saying:
“I forgive you. I embrace you. I accept you. You’re not stupid. You’re valuable. You’re so worthy in every way. There is nothing bad, ugly, or wrong with you. You’re so lovely. You’re so supported. I am here to cheer you. I am here to walk with you and be kind to you.”
Say good things to yourself.
Uninstal the old program that is clouded with bullshit from the past. Install the new version of you. The version that is kind, loving and accepting.
❤
You’re worth it.
For a while I’ve been recording videos to myself about the random shit I think about throughout time — ya know, stuff like my feelings and what the heck am I gonna do with my life.
Sigh. Woe is me.
These videos were never meant to be shared. They were for my purposes. To see myself progress through time and to process my internal dialogue OUT LOUD.
BUT now… here is a compilation for your eyes and ears in blurry, perfectly imperfect quality!
This is a note to myself.
Making or feeling like you’ve made a mistake is okay. You can adjust from there. You shouldn’t feel afraid to be you and say what you feel and express yourself freely. If It’s not reciprocated be ok with it and let it be and let it go. Adjust from moment to moment. Forgive yourself moment to moment. Don’t beat yourself up.
You’ll be okay.
You are okay.
Don’t be ashamed for your feelings.
It’s so okay. You are soooo okay!
I promise you’re okay!
I promise you’ll be okay!
It’s all okay!
Have your cake and eat it too.
There’s a time for everything.
It’s okay to splurge sometimes.
Compensate.
Let each moment speak for itself.
You are renewed in each moment.
Every second offers you a chance to start on what you missed out on previously.
Appreciate what you’ve done so far.
Forgive your shortcomings.
Make the proper adjustments where necessary.
If all else fails just breath.
Go back to the basics and recreate from there.
Stop being so hard on yourself because of all the minor details. Profited is s/he who acknowledges what needs improving from a place of love rather than scorn.
Namaste.
Don’t be afraid to be you, my child.
Don’t be scared of failing. You just try again, that’s all. It’s just practice.
Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, my little angel. Your opinions matter too. Don’t worry if some others don’t like your style in music, or your hair, or your moods – find those who do – be with them.
Don’t be consumed if some don’t like you – you’re not here to please them. There’s a war in them – it’s not about you. Keep on smiling that beautiful smile irrespective of those who hold hate in their hearts. Smile for you.
It’s okay to be confused, my darling. Life doesn’t come with a map – and even if it did who’s to say you’d want to follow it. Take your time. Be easy on yourself. Forgive yourself. It’s okay not to have all the answers.
If you feel lonely, my sweetheart, know that it comes and goes. Sometimes we get lonely in this big ol’ world. It’s only temporary. Have faith it’ll pass. Give yourself a big hug and know that you still have yourself with you.
Go on now. Go on and be you. No apologies. No reservations.
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