Surrender

Die Before You Die

Release.

Die before you die.

Let go before you let go.

You don’t have to be afraid, beautiful, sweet child. You are okay. And it will be okay.

Learn to not be so attached to any outcome.

Learn to experience each moment fully.

Learn to have fun even when life really sucks.

Learn to be grateful even when it’s all going downhill.

I know this can be hard to do.

I know it almost seems impossible to pull through when you’re looking in the mirror and literally all of your demons and their dark destruction are staring furiously back at you ROARING — telling you, “YOU CAN’T MAKE IT. YOU’RE WORTHLESS. YOU’RE NOTHING. IT WILL NEVER WORK OUT. GIVE UP. JUST STOP EXISTING. NO ONE CARES, NOT EVEN YOU.”

In this moment, when everything seems against you, put your hands over your ears and refuse to listen to those voices and fears that cloud your better judgement. Even these fearful voices serve for your awakenening.

Remind yourself of the truth:

YOU CAN.

YOU ARE.

YOU WILL.

YOU ARE SO WORTHY.

SO BEAUTIFUL.

SO ENOUGH.

SO LOVED.

SO ABUNDANT.

YOU ARE FILLED WITH JOY.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU LACK.

YOU ARE AT PEACE AND YOU ARE AT REST.

There is absolutely NOTHING you need to do, be, have, get, buy, attain, ask for in order to have value because your existence alone is in and of itself WHOLE AND COMPLETE AND WORTHY AND ENOUGH AND ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, GLORIOUS AND PERFECT.

You are right where you need to be.

You are not late, you are not early – you are right on time – right here, right now, beautifully as you are.

Don’t be afraid to lose.

Don’t be afraid of time.

Don’t be afraid that things will not work out.

Experience each moment as it is without resistance. Or perhaps resist if you must because all of your experience is valid.

Cry if you must.

Sleep if you must.

Take a break if you must.

And know deeply, deeply, that you are being held right now in the loving arms of a life force that holds you blameless, shameless, and perfectly whole.

I love you.

Don’t worry.

Don’t be afraid.

Even when you lose, you win.

September 23, 2018 0

Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.

February 20, 2018 0

I think of you less and less, but sometimes familiar places and lingering traces bring me a whiff of what used to be.

I’m learning what it means to be free. To answer only to me. It’s not a feeling I am accustomed to since for as long as I know I’ve lived in large part for others.

I feel like I’m getting closer to understanding what it means to live life. Yet at the same time it seems all too far.

I’m feeling proud of my accomplishments. Taking life one day at a time even when I get really antsy. I don’t have a choice. Surrender is key during moments where I just want to run away, hide or freak out.

I cried on the floor the other day. Then I stared to laugh. I alternated between crying and laughing. Realizing how silly it is to get lost in my emotions when it’s really nothing but a feeling. Realizing how sad it is that one day I’ll have to say good bye to everything I love and possess. A part of me thinks it doesn’t have to be that way. That maybe there’s a way out. That perhaps we can conquer death. Or perhaps we never really die – just simply transform.

There are countless unanswered questions. I’m starting to think it doesn’t even matter in an ultimate sense. Truth is, I don’t know. But truth also is, I want to find out.
Except instead of putting so much pressure on myself to have all the answers NOW, I’m realizing I feel more free when I just allow myself to unfold one moment at a time without straining to get to some end. The journey is the answer.

I’ve grown tired of searching only to find more questions. I’ve learned that not knowing is completely okay and that whatever is, is. It doesn’t mean that I won’t question, it just means I won’t freak out if I don’t know something yet. The pressure is off and the enjoyment of the process is on.

I’ve decided to stop rushing to some place other than here and now. I am learning to surrender and play with life. To let go and not grow upset over small things – or big things. I am learning that life is as serious or as simple as you make it. I am choosing the breezy route – which is the same as the rocky route but my state of mind is really what decides the difference.

Namaste.

One Step

Don’t look at the size of the mountain, look only at the first step.

I’ve been feeling so much more at ease compared to my usual frantic-get everything done-do everything now self. I am taking small, consistent steps towards my goals rather than staying stuck while freaking out about how far I still am. I realize that some changes are slower than others. I realize that patience is easiest to achieve when I look at how much I’ve already accomplished and focus on what small action I can take today rather than worry about how much I still need to do.

It’s so refreshing to just focus on today. One moment at a time. One action at a time. Life is so much easier when you release control; when you release trying to work out ALL the details and just allow the day to freely unfold as it gracefully guides you.

August 18, 2016 0

Winds

I stand at the top of the mountain looking forward to see the great expanse that lies in front of me. I stretch my arms out to embrace the air that gingerly dances around my body and plays tag with my skin – I am it. The temperature is perfect – not too hot, not too cold. I close my eyes and breathe you in. All of you. My heart pulses to the fire sweet rhythm of my soul.

I am still in love with you.
Your invisible presence never leaves, even when I am red hot coal. Even as I burst like a firecracker in early July.

My instinct is to fall blindly into your arms. To swirl like the galaxies and flow eternally like a petal lost in the winds.

April 14, 2016 0