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Moping

You don’t have to feel bad for feeling down. You don’t have to search for a way out like if there is something wrong with you for feeling down. Truth is – you’re feeling down because there is something crappy going on. Life’s a bitch, in part. So if you feel down at times, you are rightfully reacting exactly the way you should. There is nothing wrong with that. Life isn’t happy everyday (unfortunately) — sometimes life is sad.

Sometimes you just have to sit there and feel sad. Just cry. Just feel miserable and let your soul just pour out of you like an open faucet. Cry for as long as you need to. Mope for as long as you need to.

I just spent the last 6-7 hours moping. I cried for a good hour. Now I feel less heavy – though still sad about some things I want to see change for me. (Don’t feel bad for me if you do – crying is normal – we should do it when needed. This is why I am writing this – to say “don’t feel bad for the bad times, they’re normal.”)

I am making a to do list for tomorrow and will begin to work on my desired changes so I no longer have to feel sad about what’s bugging me. Some things I know I can’t change (like never getting sick or never getting old), so I must learn to make peace with what I can’t change and change what I can. Work in progress.

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Lost and Found

Some days it feels like nothing goes my way. My jacket zipper gets stuck. I miss the train by seconds. I travel far for a project that doesn’t pan out. My hair gets brutally tangled in my necklace. I glance at the clock and suddenly I’m running late. I blindly sit on someone’s spilled coffee. A stranger’s bad breath poorly concealed by minty gum is blown towards my face. It takes the cashier 5 painful minutes to return me my change.

Is the world against me? Or am I moving too quickly and have missed the lesson here?

I watch other people pass me by and wonder if their life is easier. Maybe their zippers never get stuck.

I start thinking that if maybe I was someone else then misfortune would somehow escape me.

I know it’s ridiculous to think this – but I do it anyway. Then I come here and write about it.

Then I get over it and come back to the moment.

I play tug of war with the now and my rambling mind. The endless commentary in my head seems to win most of the battles. Yet even in the chaos of my inner world I arrive at luxurious moments of peace.
Then it’s lost again.
Then found.
Then lost.
Then found.

I realize it’s not about how many times I fall but how quickly I get up, beat the thick brown dust off my warrior body and keep on truckin’.

Truck, truck, truckin’.
Truckin’, truckin’.
Truck, truck, truckin’.

Just never gonna stop.

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Astral Projection

I want to know. Not just through intellect and feelings, but by experience, indeed.

For the last week or so I’ve been on a mission to explore more of my consciousness and discover for myself dimensions beyond our regular day to day reality. I’ve listened to a few instructional videos on how to Astral Project and decided to give it a try. The first numerous times I’ve tried it the only result I came across was falling asleep. “Damn it! I fell asleep again!” I’d comically say to myself. And with much excitement I’d go to bed every night looking forward to having an out of body experience.

This morning, after being sweetly awakened by my partner’s goodbye kiss, I decided to give the whole Astral Projection thing another go. I closed my eyes and focused my attention on my third eye spot. I eventually dozed into a light sleep and even started to dream a little. I was in an in between state where I felt half awake and half asleep. Suddenly, to my surprise, I started to feel my body gently tingling as I hear a voice clearly direct me to “Let go of your limbs. Let go of your hands. Let go of your feet.”
I then started to feel what I assume is my astral body rise from my physical body. It was as if I had become light mixed with air – or perhaps a spirit – I’m not sure how to identify it.
I also saw other people rising as well but only for a brief moment. I then start to hear this beautiful, harmonious music and as I hear it I cannot help but feel this immense bliss overtake my entire being. I see a reflection of what I recognized to be my higher self smiling joyfully and I could not believe that that was me feeling this much peace and happiness. I remember thinking “Wow, there is no joy on Earth like this joy.” As I gazed upon my higher self I was marveled by how confident I was in my own light just swirling in space to this awe inspiring music. I felt myself rising higher and higher. I felt like I was one with the space I took up as my entire self was uninhibitedly flowing in a sea of utter bliss. It was amazing, folks. I then have the thought “I want to move my legs,” but I was aware that if I moved my legs it would all be over. As I have that thought my elevated body gracefully descends into my physical body. I then open my physical eyes and move my legs.

I was a little sad that I didn’t stay longer to experience more of the environment I was elevated to, but I was also super excited by this experience! I woke up thinking “Wow! I can’t believe this happened!”
Having experienced a glimpse of what our consciousness is capable of achieving, I am pumped to continue to explore and have even more empowering experiences.

I am interested in further exploring this phenomenon to see how my experience develops with time. I look forward to seeing more and sharing more.

More updates on this topic to come!

Much love y’all.

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Tired of Being Tired

And then there are days when I am all too human. I fight with myself for being myself. For having feelings – not just the good ones.

I betray myself when I say yes to you and no to me.

I am tired of pretending for you.

Smiling at times when I really wanna frown. Or even playing neutral when I really wanna show you the finger.

I keep looking for some grand magical moment that is going to make it all clear to me. A spontaneous epiphany — the enlightenment that is going to 360 my life. A revolution so powerful where my purpose becomes clearer than day. Nothing gets in my way, especially not my own limited thinking. This hope keeps me believing that I’m actually here for a real reason.

And then I think I am kidding myself. Entertaining the romantic idea that somehow I’m special. That any moment now something spectacular is going to happen and all will be revealed to me and I’ll finally get it. I’ll laugh when I think back at the times I ever doubted.
But it’s bullshit.
I’m just here.
Sitting in an empty train making friends with my tears.

I’m tired of being everyone’s light.
I’m tired of being my own light.
I just wanna be who I am and say fuck it to those who don’t wanna partake.
I’m not all airy fairy all the time.
I’m just not.

I’m tired of trying to be perfect for everyone else. I’m tired of feeling like I even have to be perfect. And it’s not even perfect – it’s good enough.
Like I have to be just good enough to please you. Ugh. Fuck off.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of the world on my shoulder.

I am tired of being tired.

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Losing

It is so damn painful to lose something you love. SO DAMN PAINFUL.

 

But I am a warrior.

OH, YES — I AM!

I will overcome.

I will find you anyway.

Someway. Somehow. Some time.

Those eyes can never hide from me.

 

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Answers

Sometimes in the dark of the night I wonder why I am here.

What is the point of all this?

Some say there is no point and life is what you make it. Well, how do I know that’s true?  And if you respond with, “you don’t” then clearly you’re not even trying.

Hypothesize with me. Dream with me.

Let’s find answers together in this magical maze.

 

 

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Aware

I am aware of myself. I am aware of being aware.

I question the motivations behind my actions. When I’m not satisfied with an insight I look deeper into myself to challange my thoughts. I don’t like it when I realize that I am doing things for selfish reasons. Like wearing a sexy outfit to get attention. Then I ask, “What’s wrong with a little attention? Isn’t life supposed to be fun?”

“Is that your idea of “fun”? Being all sexy for attention!?” Says my conscience in a condemning tone.

“Well… Yeah… It’s kinda fun. Looking all spicy and all.”

“Shame on you.”

“Shame on YOU for thinking ‘shame on you’ for something so natural. Do not the peacocks flaunt their feathers?”

 

I can back and forth with similar dialogues in my own mind for hours. An entire drama in my head. I guess  that’s one  way to save money on theatre.

 

 

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Silence

Silence is a response. You don’t always have to engage in further conversation. You don’t have to agree or deny. You don’t have to say anything at all.

 

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Stop Wishing – DO IT.

Stop Wishing – DO IT.
Stop wishing for the things you want and just start DOING the things you want.
Stop wishing you could travel more – go sell some used crap you no longer need and book a cheap ticket to the closest place you’ve never been to. Even if it’s just for one or two days. DO IT – TRAVEL. Stop wishing.

Stop wishing you had a better body and START working out. Right now. Stop reading this and do some jumping jacks, push ups, crunches and jog in place. Stop wishing. DO IT – WORK OUT.

Stop wishing you could eat better. PHYSICALLY STOP PUTTING CRAP IN YOUR MOUTH. Put 1 sugar in your coffee instead of 500. Eat carrots and celery for snacks instead of a snicker bar. Stop wishing. DO IT – EAT HEALTHY.

Stop wishing you could go back to school. Use your time to go online and search for schools, financial aid, scholarships, payment plans, loans, programs, alternative methods to the education you want. Stop wishing. DO IT – GO TO SCHOOL.

Stop wishing you had the courage to leave your unhealthy relationships behind. Speak your mind and walk away without turning back. Stop wishing. DO IT – EMBRACE COURAGE.

What are you wishing for? Whatever it is – Stop wishing. DO IT!

Are you doing it yet?
#toughlove

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