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Voice

I’m trying to find my voice but it escapes me

I feel the most free when I’m here

because in this space I let it rip

I just say it as it comes

I just say it as it is for me

in other places I have to tip toe

I have to get it “right”

make sure I don’t step on any toes or say something that offends someone

or say something that is ignorant

Or say something that doesn’t land well

or say something that is wrong

or or or or or ________.

Today I heard TD Jakes talk about a creative whose ideas can’t come through— he called it being constipated— creatively constipated.

That’s how I feel sometimes. Like there’s just so much I wish to give and share but am literally held back.

By what?

By my own paralysis

by my judgment

because I’m not doing it like this other person

or saying it like this other person and therefore it’s probably not good and therefore no one will care and therefore I won’t get anywhere— so why bother?

It’s literally so annoying

I annoy myself with my own thoughts and lack of action sometimes

but I also want to give myself Grace for trying

because it takes courage to speak up

it takes courage to use your voice.

I just hope I can find mine

and I hope it makes you proud.

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Hold

Hold yourself during those moments where no one else is available to

Sit with yourself and breathe
just breathe

Hold yourself when it feels like everything is falling apart
Hold yourself when it feels like you can’t see the way forward

Feelings aren’t facts, they come and go

Remember you are your guarantee

All things will come and go
All things will pass

You will be the one who stays

What is yours will be yours
albeit temporary


B R E A T H E

Your breath is with you


You can connect to it when you feel alone
When you feel unstable

You are with you
You are enough

What is meant to be will be

You don’t have to force anything or anyone to stay, what is meant to stay will stay
and when it is time for it to go, it will go

Allow the flow
Hold yourself when it feels like there is no one else

You are there
and you are enough

You are not less worthy because something or someone exists your space

You are whole
You are there

Hold yourself
Hold yourself tightly
Give yourself the love you are wishing from another

You can fill yourself up with love
Your love

You are the guarantee
Through the ups, downs, good, bad, in betweens

You are there
Hold yourself in these tender moments



B R E A T H E

DEEP B R E A T H

You are okay
and will be okay

Hold yourself
You are enough
You are complete

The external stuff is in constant motion, the external will change
But you will be there through all of this

Hold yourself through the change

Hold yourself with grace
Hold yourself with compassion
Be there
Present
Holding you

Hold

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I Don’t Know

The truth is that I don’t know.

Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.

But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.

And it leaves me frustrated.

To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.

I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?

I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.

I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.

It’s nonsense and I don’t care.

Or maybe I do care.

I don’t know.

I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.

No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.

If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!

I think it’s fucking blissful.

All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.

I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.

I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.

There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.

These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.

But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.

But honestly, I just don’t know.

I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.

But I’m gonna share it anyway.

Fuck it.

YOLO, I guess…

I don’t know.

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Borrow

Nothing belongs to me. Which is why trying to hold on is stupid.

I can “claim” you in theory, but I really can’t claim you. I can’t even claim me. I’m just passing by.

I can say you’re my friend, but really that’s just a figure of speech because I can’t HAVE you. Everything will end. Everything will pass.

It’s stupid if I try to make you into MY possession.

This is MY boyfriend. This is MY girlfriend.
Even if they stay loyal for life eventually they’re going to die. What happens to YOUR boyfriend then? Gone.

Nothing is yours. Nothing is mine. So why live with this tight ass grip around everything?

Let things come and go in peace. Be in peace yourself. Stop trying to hold on to everything.

Your youth. Your hair. Your teeth. Your body. Your house. Your car. Your friends. Your country. Your fucking toaster oven.  It all fades, my friends.

This isn’t to be dark or depressing but merely to shed light on the facts. This is how it is as we know it (or as I know it at least, I can only speak for myself. Maybe you know some shit about time travel and bending reality or whatever that I still haven’t gotten the memo about).

Until then… learn to release the grip so you can have more fun without feeling threatened by change or loss.

Muah!

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Be Present With Uneasiness

I notice how uneasy I feel.

How I’m trying to scramble for validation.

“Make me feel okay. Give me some sign that I am okay.”

I observe it.

I observe every time I’m scared. Every time I’m threatened. I observe the feelings of jealousy come up. I observe my insecurities flare up.

Then I want to zoom to the future. I want to rush to another moment where it feels okay.

So I actively breathe. I actively work to accept myself. Love myself. Honor myself.

I am present. I am sitting there with my anxiety. With my worry. With my fear. With my insecurity. With my awkwardness.

This is my experience.

A lot of my issues stem from attachment.

Where do I stand? For how long can I hold on?

Time is literally ripping everything from me. I am just passing by. And there are things, places, people, experiences, moments I would like to hold on to. I would like to keep. I would like to return to.

It’s a pity when you think you found something but it turns out it was a sham.

So you’re back to the drawing board.

I am breathing. I am accepting this moment. I am choosing to actively not resist. I am choosing to be okay with what is.

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes it storms.
Sometimes it shines. Sometimes it snows.
Sometimes it’s cloudy. Sometimes it’s blazing hot.

It comes and it goes.
It’s here and then it’s gone.

I’m breathing. I’m breathing.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m crying. I’m crying.

I’m holding my heart.

I’m scared. I’m scared.

I am holding my heart.

I’m breathing. And it’s okay.

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Cloud 9

I am so in love with my life right now it’s overwhelming. This is not common for me. I don’t even know what to do with it.

The level of creativity that is pulsating through my body is to the level where it’s giving me anxiety. This anxiety in part is felt like excitement. Heart racing. Ideas flowing through my mind like a river.

There was a moment I jumped up and down on my bed in expression of excitement.

I am having PINCH ME moments.

So many beautiful visions.

But there is also a lot of anxiety. A lot of fear.

There was a moment I literally had to hold my chest and breathe myself back into calm.

In the next few days I will be working on balancing all this energy out. I need to learn to balance myself and have clear focus. I’m practicing.

It’s extremely scary when you start to see manifestation occur before your eyes.

There’s also a lot of shit I need to detox. Cleanse. Release. Breathe out.

I’m impatient as fuck.

And there’s still so much work to be done!

 

*BREATHE IN*

*BREATHE OUT*

This breathing thing is REAL. It helps with anxiety FO REAL.

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Happy

I usually don’t write when I’m happy, (usually).

But the amount of joy I’m feeling right now is too big not to share.

I am so happy it scares me.

It scares me because there’s a doubt that creeps up and says “This is all too good to be true. This isn’t real life. This can’t possibly be real. I can’t possibly be truly happy. Any moment now some disaster is going to come. Something bad is going to happen. I’ll get sick. Or I’ll lose everything. He’ll leave. I’ll be miserable again. Always searching. Always looking but never arriving.”

I don’t want to believe those thoughts. But I also want to be a REALIST. Sickness DOES happen. People do LEAVE/DIE. Things do BREAK/END/CHANGE. Everything is always fucking changing and you can’t hold on to forever. That’s a fucking fact.

No sooner does the most beautiful sunset hypnotize your eyes as you hug the person you love underneath “the electric sky” surrounded by your favorite humans and your favorite music in an instant of perfection are you then back at your fucking desk at work crunching numbers and eventually unraveling to your death.

Does that sound gloomy? I don’t care. It’s fact. And whether we like it or not we gotta face it.

So…

Given the fact that shit’s constantly changing I am trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to deal with it so that when shit does hit the fan I’m ready with that pancho, umbrella and quarantine bubble.

 

What does that mean?

It means I’m trying to figure out a way to live life in such a way that I can ENJOY, EMBRACE, SAVOR, LOVE, EXPERIENCE every moment fully but also without the anxiety, fear, and worry that comes from my attachment to form.

I also want to believe that happiness is truly possible for me and that I CAN create a life I love and that I CAN love myself and have a beautiful, smooth, safe LIFE ride despite the bullshit, pain, and challenges that come my way.

With all that being said.

I am happy right now. And I want to see this dream I have in my head come true. And I want to be at peace.

Peace with myself. With you. The universe. and the world.

“To infinity and beyond.”

 

Mad extreme. I know.

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I Wonder…

I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.

We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.

Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.

Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?

Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?

Is that too crazy?

Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?

What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.

What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.

What would that look like?
What would that be like?

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Adjusting

It’s been over a month since I’ve had any income. Between my cross country move from NYC to Cali, rent, bills, and food expenses my wallet is starting to shrink.

I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, applied to literally over 100 jobs in a variety of fields, but haven’t actually landed anything. So as I leave yet another interview empty handed, with no job offer and without knowing when exactly my next paycheck will be, my spirit withers.

My mind begins to wander in darkness, spiraling through thoughts of “Maybe I’m not as good of a candidate I thought I was. Maybe I’m at the bottom of the barrel. There must be something wrong with me. Maybe I won’t make it out here, and this whole childish fantasy of mine was just a delusion – just a mistake.”
But as I walk through the streets of San Diego being kissed by the sun, hugged by the gentle breeze, and hypnotized by the sight of the calming palm trees, I’m reminded that I made the right choice even though right now I am not currently where I would like to be.
I remind myself that the journey itself is the destination. I remind myself to trust the process.

 

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There is no need to rush.
No need to fear.
No need to let anxiety or worry run the show.

 

I am choosing to remain in flow.
I am also accepting, digesting and processing the fact that worry, anxiety, stress and even depression are a natural response to not getting what I want, when I want, as I want. These are natural responses to being out of my comfort zone. This is okay to feel. But I am also releasing these emotions as they come up because I am actively choosing to have faith despite of the facts.

I am breathing in flow energy and breathing out resistance. I am choosing hope over fear. I am choosing trust over anxiety. I am choosing calm over stress. I am choosing joy over depression.
I am choosing to enjoy the unfolding. I’m not taking life so seriously, and am choosing to have fun as I move through this period of adjustment in my life.
This is not always easy to do.
I’ve sat alone and cried, thinking “I have no strength. I can’t do this.” I’ve had a day where I didn’t want to get up from bed because I didn’t want to go on another interview to try to convince someone of my worth and why they should hire me. I didn’t want to put another fake smile on my face. Didn’t want to get dressed. Didn’t want to socialize with anyone.
So I gave myself permission to go through my emotions. To accept, love and honor myself in this process. To comfort myself and just say, “Hey, girl, what you’re feeling is totally okay. You’re going through a challenge right now. Who wants to smile and dance when they experience rejection on top of rejection? It’s okay to feel like this. You don’t have to be strong all the time. Be human. Be wildly human.”
Pep talks help.
Texting my woes to friends who encourage me help.Then getting up the next day, remembering that, “Oh, I’m actually a badass, go getter, New York City bitch and a beloved daughter of this universe,” gives me the fuel to keep pushing forward. To keep having faith. To trust the process.

So I breathe. Roll up my sleeves and keep moving.

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