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Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


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Accepted

Do I dim my light to be accepted?

Must I walk a certain way? Talk a certain way? Look a certain way? Be a certain way — and then I’ll be accepted?

Sometimes it can be hard for me to open up to love

because sometimes I experience rejection and it hurts, and it makes me close off

because I’m loved by others conditionally

Only loved if my hair is brushed or when I’m in shape
Only loved if my skin is youthful
Or if I make enough money and live in a nice place
Only loved if this or that or the other

Conditions, conditions…

-Sigh-

I think the secret is to give yourself the full love you seek from another

To accept yourself fully, without judgement

And to be around others who accept you as much as possible— even if they can’t accept all of you 24/7 365 in all your light, color, size, shape and being.

If you’re fulfilled with your own love the rejection of the other won’t ultimately shake you because you’re already full of love and acceptance; the love and acceptance you’ve already given yourself

Easier said than done, I know

but it’s a feeling you cultivate, a feeling you imprint into every cell of your being
It’s a practice

A practice of committing and re-committing to loving yourself without judgment,

without basing your sense of self worth on what you think you need to be in order to receive love from the other

To not hide or dim your light

We are all on our individual journeys, no one person can be all about you 24/7

So don’t be surprised when they’re not

It isn’t a bad thing, it’s just the nature of relationships

Work on being okay with yourself

(Which isn’t to say don’t take healthy constructive criticism and make improvements as needed for your personal development and growth)

But find that still, loving, grounded, accepting presence within yourself. It is always there no matter what.

The love you seek from the other is already there.

Don’t fear rejection of the other (that happens from time to time and is normal — it does not mean you are objectively unlovable or undesirable)

Reserve your company for those who make you feel good for the most part (No one person can make you feel good 24/7)

If someone doesn’t make you feel good, you have the option to talk through it and work together to make the situation better

If it doesn’t improve despite best efforts, it’s okay to kindly release that person and distance yourself (even if it hurts at first)

-Sigh-

This rant went on longer than I intended it to…

In conclusion,

Living is quite the art—
It’s a practice

Do your best to love and accept yourself
No one else can really do it for you,

Except maybe Jesus?

But that’s a whole other story

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true love?

When I said “I like this song” … he turned up the volume
and when I was cold… he offered his sweater

have you ever for a moment looked into the eyes of someone else and saw everything you wanted staring back at you…

yet though you were excited you were actually more afraid?

“Does saying yes to this mean saying no to all the other possibilities? Is this really what I want? Is this the right person for me?”

I once heard a love coach say we should settle ON someone, not FOR someone

there will always be other options…

Like going to an ice cream shop and being presented with so many flavors — you eventually have to make a choice on what to order.

I kind of think about a long term partner like that… we eventually have to say yes to someone if we are going to want to relate deeply.

I don’t know…

Do I even want a relationship?
This is the first time I started to learn to enjoy my own company outside of anybody else. And it’s actually been really nice growing more into this “self focused” version of me.

maybe we don’t have to have all the answers right away
maybe we can just let time lead the way

I think the key is in finding balance
keeping yourself whole without losing yourself in another – avoiding codependency

not rushing into a decision

letting time reveal more of the way
while communicating openly and honestly

staying open to love

~*~*~*~*~

we drove off into the morning sun and for a moment I could feel as if I could live into everything I have imagined

we don’t realize that our dreams are fantasies are truly possible until we allow ourselves to feel into it and live it

yet what I noticed is that feeling good all the time kind of scares me
and that fear and hesitation brings me back to earth, back to reality

there is something to be said about this “being in vibration” and being in a certain “frequency”.

I have been noticing my frequency change

and for a moment it’s almost like I am moving closer into heaven… but I can’t sustain it… and I am brought back down

down into my human body with my fears and limitations
with my doubts

my existential crisis

and again, I am alone




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Guarantee

You are your only guarantee
Everyone else is an external factor

when you were born, you were there
and at every moment of every day until the end of your life, you are the one who will always be there

people will come and go
places will come and go
things will change

some people may leave you because they no longer love you or wish to be in your life
some will leave you because they die
some will exit for whatever other circumstance

get comfortable with your own company
stop trying to seek someone else to make you feel happy, loved and okay
learn to enjoy your own company
learn to be okay with your own presence

you do not need a relationship in order to be okay


be okay on your own
this way you can invite people into your life out of true desire rather than a need to escape your loneliness

spend time on your hobbies
invest in your personal development and career
read a book
take a class
find a recipe and cook something new
have a self care practice
write a blog
make time to spend with people who nourish you and make you feel seen, accepted, loved

remember that you are your only guarantee and you are the one who will be with you 24/7, 365 until death — make peace and friends with yourself

learn to be comfortable in your body
learn to be comfortable in your life
learn to feel safe and okay with yourself
(not in an arrogant I don’t need nobody typa way, but in a healthy “I feel at ease with myself and my life” typa way) and from this energy go out and make connections, enjoy your life

let go of the desperate need to have someone else complete you
you already are complete
you are your guarantee
everyone and everything else outside you will come and go,
until eventually you go too
(RIP)

it’s all temporary
make the best of it
enjoy your own company and consequently the right people will come into your life to add to it

when you treat yourself right and feel okay with yourself it’s easy to spot bad relationships and people who aren’t healthy for you — because you already know your standard and you are already okay on your own

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Answer

I’ve been thinking a lot about love

aaand… I’m pretty convinced it’s THE ANSWER

not love in a romantic, idealized way — though that’s part of it too 😉

I mean love in a vibrational sense

Which is not something quite understood by thought alone

it’s something that is experienced

It’s a way

It’s the fact of all facts

It’s the motherlode

It’s actual and literal perfection

It’s a force

It’s a thing and not a thing

It’s a paradox

It’s not a paradox (lol)

It’s confusing, it makes all the sense

and it is something that I am still in process of understanding

I’m falling in love with life

the world

my body

with the minor details embedded in the fibers of existence

in the beauty woven into every moment that unravels and dissolves into the nothingness

—

There’s been thoughts of the eternal

Does it end?

Will it all end?

What does that look like for there to be an end?

Does it re-spawn out of nothing all over again?

Did it ever spawn out of nothing to begin with?

hmmmm…. lots to think about

I think I’m in love

but I don’t know

Just gonna roll with it

….

Also, how do we stop being mean to one another?

How do we learn to communicate better?

To forgive? To heal? To quantum leap and stop with our bullshit

Also important stuff to think about

—

It’s all in the work, bitches

—

I’ve also been listening to a lot of Brazilian music

I just wanna dance naked on beach with a margarita

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Hurt

I’ve been so hurt before.

And I could point at the world and say “You. It’s your fault.”

I could point at life and say “You. It’s your fault.”

Or I could point at me and say “Me. It’s my fault. For not being mature enough. For letting my emotions rule me. For allowing such things as ego to run me. For allowing my attachments to get the best of me. For not knowing how to let go. For not knowing how to surrender. To be okay in the face of what is. To accept that not everything goes my way. And that there are things that I don’t like. And if I can help them, great. And if not, it’s okay.”

I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.

All I know is that I want to heal. And I want not to be ruled by my emotions. Especially not the destructive ones. I want to live awake. Live consciously. But most of all, live happily, freely, abundantly, peacefully, connctectedly and in love.

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Endings

Everything comes to an end. Everything.

It’s all temporary.

And learning to manage all these changes is a bitch. No sooner do we form an attachment do we have to let go.

Let go of friendships. Places. People. Status. Things. Youth. Life itself.

Sometimes we never know when the end will come. It happens abruptly. Other times it’s a slow fade.

But either way it is enevitable.

I’m bringing this to awareness not so much to sulk about change, loss and endings but more so to learn to truly appreciate every moment.

To learn to build maturity around attachment. To learn to have healthy coping mechanisms around endings. To learn to freely let go without a fight, without scrambling to hold on.

Every moment is anew, nothing is ever the same. Everything is change and I accept it with love.

 

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Dissapointment

I was so excited at first.
Thought I found it. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Turns out it was a rusty can of disappointment.

Do I blame myself for jumping the gun?

Or do I simply appreciate those magical moments for what they simply were —moments?

I’ll probably do a little bit of both, but more of the latter.

Like, “Here you go again, ya big goof — letting your heart run a little too wild, a little too fast.”

So I sit here puzzled.

Damn.

Really?

That was just a bunch of bullshit?

Why, Universe? Why?

What was all this clever synchronicity you placed perfectly in my path about? What was I supposed to learn?

Because frankly, I’m baffled.

What do I keep doing wrong?

Being an idiot? Because right now I feel like I’m on a journey to stop being an idiot.

How many times am I going to fall into the arms of dissapointment?

I am a little upset. I am a little angry.

But I am also excited.

Excited to come back home to myself. Excited to go back to a place where I feel like I’m enough and don’t have to prove myself, my worth, or my value.

I can just be me again. And be okay with it.

Fuck you.

And it’s not even your fault, honestly. At least not fully.

I’m the goddam idiot.

I’m also not trying to beat on myself – but simply acknowledge that at times I really am stupid. Stupid for second guessing myself. For being too nice. For hiding. For playing small.

*breathes*

 

On a side note…

Sometimes I wish I could just have a normal conversation… I mean, I can for a bit – but I can’t sustain it.

I can only talk about the weather and why the Mets are sucking again this year for so long.

I wanna talk about why I am here and what’s the meaning of all this. I want to talk about purpose. Self-improvement. Growth. Growth. Growth.

I can philosophize for days. Until my head wants to explode. And then I’ll binge watch Family Guy and talk about the weather again.

 

Whatever.

 

I’m in one of those moods.

Complaining to you as always. Bringing you my tales of woe. My bullshit. My nonsense.

I’m human too.

 

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Have Both

You brought back the color I have hidden in boxes, suit cases and long forgotten storage bins.

I’m feeling hopeful again.

I know now I can find balance.

That it doesn’t have to be one or the other.

I don’t have to make a choice.

I don’t have to deny this free spirit, wild, earth, life loving hippie in me in order to be respected and wildly successful in the world.

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