So as it turns out I live in a body.
It’s 5’2 and female which means that in the grand scheme of things I am as significant as a bacteria.
I am sitting in a coffee shop because I wanted to get out of my house and “try something different.”
Rather than go about business as usual working from home, I thought I’d take myself out and work from a coffee shop. Maybe it’d make my life more interesting. Maybe I’d bump into my soul mate. Or meet a fling. Or get actual work done. Only a little work was done, if you could call it work anyway.
I could share with you a thousand and one of my latest thoughts… but where do I start?
I suppose we’ll start with the usual repertoire: what should we make of this life? What actually matters?
After the recent fires in my California state, another turn of the year, another wrinkle on my foreheard, the deaths of loved ones and the hurried passage of time I feel this sense of pressure to carpe diem. What am I really waiting for? But what does carpe diem even mean? How do I want to carpe my diem?
I’m starting by buying my time back. I want nothing to do with borrowing money from banks — they can suck it. I want nothing to do with their sneaky little system that gets us allured into spending and entrapped by their interest and enslaved to their game. So that’s one.
Health is a top priority. Since this body is my first home. I don’t want to be uncomfortable in my home. I sometimes feel awkward and judge myself a lot. This has got to go. So I’ll have to practice. Practice being myself and caring less about what people are thinking. Why do random strangers matter anyway? Why am I so concerned with their judgement and thought?
I am an amalgam ~ I feel like a combination of all I’ve been exposed to: which is quite a fair amount. This makes it hard for me to know who I really am.
I want to see more of the world. So rather than pay a fortune to live in California I’m planning to take off and live for less elsewhere.
I am less attached to stuff because it all just comes and goes. You buy shoes, they get old. You get furniture and it scratches. And in the end you and die and take nothing with you. So I’m less attached to accumulating a bunch of stuff and more interested in accumulating more experiences.
The other day I was at a hot yoga class after a boring typical day. That yoga class was the most interesting and stimulating activity of my day. It made me feel a sense of aliveness. In that moment I had the thought “Experiences. This is what I’m after.”
I said I am not attached to stuff, but lately I have become more interested in antiques. When I am finally ready to settle my ass I would like to have great antiques in my home. Real wood. Spectacular carvings. A beautiful book shelf. A magnificent desk.
What else can I tell you? I feel for the world. For the struggles that befall us. I wish we were more awake and aware so less of our energy was allocated to shit that doesn’t actually matter. We need more critical thinkers, action takers and STRONG humans. OMG this is a big topic for me. I literally cannot stand this soft society we have brewing. IF I SEE ANOTHER SOFT, FEMININE MAN I AM GOING TO LOSE IT. I cannot DEAL with this sensitive culture. I am pretty much a Red Forman from that 70s show in a tiny female body and just want to put my foot in every soft man’s ass until they straighten out and toughen up, buttercup.
I cannot stand an overly soft mind. Don’t be weak. Don’t be so sensitive. BE TOUGH. Where are all the tough people for the love of God?
If I was a cop in San Diego, there would literally be no homeless people sleeping in a corner because I would NOT STAND IT or ALLOW IT. I am a Natzi when it comes to order and respect. When we are too loose with our morals and standards we just end up with a mess and a bunch of soft people who can’t handle a pinch of stress without falling apart. It’s annoying. Now I’m just venting.
I didn’t plan for this to be so long or for it to be about any of this. But here we are. Here we are.
Today I am feeling grateful
My body feels relaxed and the temperature outside feels comfortable to my body
I can see the stars from the porch where I’m sitting
I’m clean from a shower and today was a good day
my tummy is adequately full and my body is nourished
ahhhh
how it feels good to take a deep breath and to truly delight in the beauty of a good moment
where your heart is content and your physical body wants for nothing
moments like these are magic
moments like these are precious
I want more peaceful moments to exist for people…
sometimes I think about the others who are struggling and my heart hurts. I want to be able to help more of the world, because I believe we should all enjoy a good life and have as many good moments as possible
I hope we humans become more mature,
less animalistic and a bit more conscious
conscious of our emotions, our thoughts and the impact we have on each other and the world
the more we can learn about ourselves and each other the more we can have understanding and compassion
We all share this planet, we all bleed red
and I believe if we worked more collaboratively, with the understanding we are all part of the puzzle, the more awesome we could really make this life on Earth
anyway… I went on a tangent there
And here’s another one…
Wtf is going on though? What really is this life? What really is all this?
Today I remembered that my favorite aunt died last year…and it reminded me that this life is temporary
it also reminded me that bad things happen sometimes, and it’s like UGH what an interesting experience this is — this life thing… there’s some awesome things but also some really shitty, crappy, painful things that happen… BLEH! What an interesting THING this all is.
Sigh…
I have so much to say but sometimes don’t have the words
Thank you for this incredible experience
Forgive me for my faults, my mistakes, my humanity, my immaturity, my fears, my doubt, my shame, my shortcomings
my desire is to do the best I can and hope for the best,
and I’m sorry that my best sometimes is kind of shitty because I’m just not perfect
sometimes I’m lazy
sometimes I’m scared
sometimes I’m ignorant
sometimes I’m stubborn
sometimes I’m in my ego or too in my pride and avoid humility
sometimes I let the worst parts of me win and I can’t help it
but in my heart I know that I want nothing more than for everything and everyone to be safe and okay, and for all to be well and good… because why would anyone want the opposite of that?
I also think I’m a hypocrite sometimes
because how can I even say I’m a good and “conscious minded” person if I still eat meat
I’m over here preaching love and light yet eating animals that haven’t died of natural cause, wtf is that about? Something I still want to work on in this life time
anyway, enough of my nonsense for the day
thanks for being here
I’m trying to find my voice but it escapes me
I feel the most free when I’m here
because in this space I let it rip
I just say it as it comes
I just say it as it is for me
in other places I have to tip toe
I have to get it “right”
make sure I don’t step on any toes or say something that offends someone
or say something that is ignorant
Or say something that doesn’t land well
or say something that is wrong
or or or or or ________.
Today I heard TD Jakes talk about a creative whose ideas can’t come through— he called it being constipated— creatively constipated.
That’s how I feel sometimes. Like there’s just so much I wish to give and share but am literally held back.
By what?
By my own paralysis
by my judgment
because I’m not doing it like this other person
or saying it like this other person and therefore it’s probably not good and therefore no one will care and therefore I won’t get anywhere— so why bother?
It’s literally so annoying
I annoy myself with my own thoughts and lack of action sometimes
but I also want to give myself Grace for trying
because it takes courage to speak up
it takes courage to use your voice.
I just hope I can find mine
and I hope it makes you proud.
Omg
It’s been a WHILE
Of course I’m going to say “There’s so much I wanna tell you!”
Because there really is lol
Where to even begin!?
I miss you
I’ve been on quite a journey
There are days where I feel like I’m moving and moving but getting nowhere…other days where it feels like I’m right where I need to be. I move from clarity to confusion
Right now I am going through some changes
My life is falling apart in some ways so a new reality can come into place
I’m sad
Sometimes angry
Other times super happy, excited, hopeful
and then downright depressed “I don’t wanna get outta bed or live” typa thang
But those moments don’t last too long
I snap myself out of it like “bitch, you got shit to do less go”
Then I’ll do everything I can to raise my vibe and keep on keepin’ on
I plan to start sharing on here regularly again
I also plan to actively talk about Reflect Out Loud… something I’ve never really done
but now I kind of want to
I didn’t have a specific purpose for this post
But one thing I wanted to reflect on is how everything falls away
Life is slipping
Some moments are so precious
While others I can’t wait to get through
Everything that was no longer is…
This is coming out like a mess
I feel like a little bit of a mess
Even though my room looks so cute, clean & vibey right now
I’m not sure if you’re going to get any value out of this post…
I hope to come back and share something more valuable
I love you
“How do you take the next step when life has taken apart the whole staircase?”
Song on replay
Late night tears
Stars floating across the ceiling
and I,
still not knowing what the point of it all is
I’m getting to a place of conclusion that even if there is no real meaning to all of this, there can always be the meaning we decide to give it
We are here rather than not here
I don’t ultimately know why at the moment
But I can at least choose to ascribe it the best possible meaning with the intellect and understanding that I do have
and for me,
I want to worry & stress less
I want to be as happy and fulfilled for as long as I possibly can
More peace, more love, more understanding, forgiveness
Growth
and most important: Health
Healthy body healthy mind
Happy being
Sometimes I look at some of the stuff I’ve written here and I cringe. But at the same time, I don’t care. These are my thoughts…out loud…
I haven’t written here in a while. I haven’t been as inspired as I used to be.
I’ve been busy with so many projects. Trying to make it all happen.
There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t have the energy tonight to share it all.
This is probably going to end up being just a bunch of meaningless words…
I’m trying to figure it all out (as usual)…
I wonder if we ever “figure it all out” or if life is just an endless search.
I don’t even want to share this because of how pointless it is. But I really wanted to create something. Even if it’s just meaningless…
I’m amazed that my words are reaching people in several places of the world.
When I was a child I would dream of having my thoughts reach others. I would write messages in paper airplanes and throw them out of the window.
I would sometimes look at the sky and ask “Can you hear me?”
And now, thanks to the internet, it’s become so much easier for us all to communicate. To reach each other with our messages.
I want my messages to be of love and hope. Of peace. Of kindness. Of prosperity. Of joy.
But sometimes I have my angry, depressing, weird, abstract rants – as you’ve probably already seen if you’ve followed me for a while.
But they’re not necessarily a message, it’s just me venting out loud. Ya know, reflecting out loud.
Thank you for reading my words.
For adding meaning to my life.
I am more fulfilled because I can share my story and my journey with you.
The truth is that I don’t know.
Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.
But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.
And it leaves me frustrated.
To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.
I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?
I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.
I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.
It’s nonsense and I don’t care.
Or maybe I do care.
I don’t know.
I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”
FUCK THE FUCK OFF.
Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.
No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.
If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!
I think it’s fucking blissful.
All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.
I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.
I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.
There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.
These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?
I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.
I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.
I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.
Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.
But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.
But honestly, I just don’t know.
I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.
But I’m gonna share it anyway.
Fuck it.
YOLO, I guess…
I don’t know.
I burned sage for the first time today.
I guess I burn sage now.
I was never really a fan of the smell.
But I sort of am now.
I want to talk about influences and how powerful they are.
The people we spend time with leave an imprint on us.
This is fact.
Who are we allowing to influence us? Are the influences leading to positive outcomes or negative?
Am I allowing the wrong people in? Have I been pushing the right people out?
A lot to think about.
I am in an interesting period right now. A period where things feel like they’re moving really slow but at the same time they’re moving nonetheless.
I am playing a slow, long strategy game. When I analyze the facts it’s going to take some real COMMITTED ASS FUCKING effort to get my small ass off the ground and into the next level.
It might mean less socializing for a bit. It might mean less time for adventures. It might mean closing off to others and being more invested in myself.
I keep asking whether it really does have to be that extreme? Do I really need to make these strict changes? Do I really need to start saying no? To start pulling away? To start being highly frugal and make big sacrifices?
Sacrifice my comfort. Sacrifice the person I really care for. Sacrifice my energy. Sacrifice my time.
A lot to think about.
And now my apartment smells like sage.
Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.
It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.
Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.
I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.
Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.
So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.
All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.
When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.
But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.
Sigh.
How silly I am.
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