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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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thoughts

Just Because

Not much to report but I felt like writing anyway.

Well, actually…some big changes.

I’m moving apartments.

I’m also getting ready to quit my job and take life in a new direction.

Additionally, giving less fucks about people who are shitty.

Those are my updates in a nutshell.

I’m hoping that 2019 will be a year of success. I’ll be intentionally laying the foundation for it to be so.

But things are still moving at glacier speeds, though moving nonetheless.

Or perhaps they’re moving at just the right speed but my impatient ass wants everything done yesterday.

My self diagnosed high functiong depression persists. But I do everything I can to kick it to the curb along with its ugly cousin anxiety.

I’m fine. For the most part… minus the occasional wave of depression mixed with a sprinkle of panic that smacks me in the face literally outta nowhere.

Ouch.

And then there are days when I’m genuinely feeling excellent. Chipper as can be. Especially when the sun kisses my skin and I’m free to design my day as I please. Ahhh, yes. More please!

I have a great feeling about this summer.

I’m going to immerse myself in plenty of activities. I’m also cutting down doing work that I don’t enjoy for money and focusing on what I do enjoy.

I acknowledge that moods are transient. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s fine.

I just gotta trust that everything will be okay. And I do. Despite the times doubt creeps in like a light flickered in the distance.

Then I shrug that shit off and keep it moving.

Faith. Hope. Ease. Flow.

Those are words I want to focus deeply on as my year unfolds.

 

Namaste 🙏🏼

Vague Ramblings

I feel like I’m caught in this weird limbo where I’m not too old school and I’m not too new school.

I’m some mixture of rotary phones, AOL, Spice Girls, Backstreet boys and when Snicker bars were still 50 cents type era combined with some of today’s millennial spice.

What the fuck am I going to do with my life? That’s my current meditation.

I came out to Cali for the weather… and yeah it’s been pretty nice… but it could be better.

I keep looking at Florida weather and it’s looking really nice right now.
I am a 75 degrees and sunny typa gal.

I like to feel the sun on my skin.

I can’t stand the cold.

I’m liking the properties out in Texas.
Big. Modern. Luxury. CHEAP.
But at night it’s looking pretty cold. And I hear summers are brutal.

I want warm, beautiful, and cheap.

On a side note. Fuck my job.

Working 40+ hours a week doing a job that I hate IS NOT how I’m going to write my story. I can’t do it, man. Shoot me in the face if that’s how it’s going to be.

“It’s only temporary” is the mantra that’s getting me through.

 

I like to drink coffee throughout the day. It’s my addiction.

I’m also addicted to thinking about the past. And the future. And imagined scenarios in my head.

I’m looking for new apartments in San Diego.

But I’m trying to find what is worth me staying here… because so far I don’t see much. I can get warmth in Florida, plus cheaper property – so what the fuck am I gonna stay here for?

I came here for the warmth. And it’s not even that warm right now.
It’s not New York City cold, not even close – but it hasn’t been as warm and sunny on most days right now either.

Greg. That is one of my reasons to stay.

My goal is to find a place I am fairly happy with and give Cali a fair shot.

I’m still trying to figure it all out.

I haven’t written a poem in a very long time.

But here are these vague ramblings…
My complaints. My humanness.
My less than glamorous thoughts out loud for you to see.

Existential Crisis

So let me tell you about my existential crisis.

I’ve been tossing and turning the “Why am I here, what is the actual point of all this” question in my head for longer than I could remember. I’ve explored theories, entertained fantasies, looked to reason, theology, spiritual texts,  philosophy, science, but nothing really satisfied my query.

Existential bullshit aside, I’m also carrying around the weight of the reality I am currently in.

I am at a point where I am trying to figure out what truly matters to me.
Which is such an annoying task because I’m always changing! If I could only stick to one goddam idea and emotion, that’d be grand. But I’m constantly being pulled in different directions by my moods, desires, feelings, thoughts, and ideas.

One day I wake up feeling confident about a particular decision, set on doing particular things, while the next day I don’t want that same thing at all. My mood is completely different. My desires completely shift. 180.  Example: I am considering moving to Texas or Florida, even though I JUST moved to California (but more on that some other time).

I am currently giving myself a reality check.
Taking inventory.
Like: You’re 30 years old, you’re making this amount of money, you’re working this type of job, you’re waking up this time in the day, you’re eating these types of food, you’re talking to these types of people, you’re spending these many dollars, you’re doing x y z, a b c…. and if you keep going in this direction you’re likely going to be experiencing these particular results  in your future (whatever they may be).

I wish some genius could take stock of everything I’ve done and am doing, enter it into some kind of excel formula and come up with my future trajectory.

Which is what I’m trying to do now… with my average intelligence… and without an excel formula.

Other factors of reality that are hitting me in the face.
I’m aging.
It sucks.
My body isn’t as energized as it used to be.
I can tell my skin is different. My face is more mature. My hair texture is different.

I know on a fundamental level the best thing I can do is to accept myself as I age. The best thing I can do is be kind to myself. To be able to gracefully let go of what was and embrace what is. I know the best thing I can do is to make peace with the new identity I am growing into while having the maturity to release the attachment to the old image of me.

Yada. Yada. Yada.

I know. I get it. Anything outside of unconditional self-regard, self-love, self-acceptance is a recipe for suffering…

BUT – I’m still gonna complain about it. I’m still going to acknowledge how shitty it is. I’m still going to say I would rather not lose my health, beauty, strength, energy, memory, etc. A girl’s gotta vent, ya know?

Anyway…I don’t intend for this post to be about me complaining. You can hear me complain some other time…

My intention is more to share on my struggle towards understanding the real meaning and purpose of life. But given that I don’t have an actual answer yet, and maybe never will, I am trying to create purpose through living a life that feels meaningful to me. I’m trying to figure out right now, in this pivotal point in my life, what is actually going to fulfill me so that I wake up excited to be alive, rather than dreading what I do in the body that I do it in.

There are a lot of details that go into creating a meaningful, fulfilling life – and I am currently trying to figure out what those details exactly look like for me, while also accounting for the fact that I constantly change my mind/feelings/moods.

So in other words, how can I create a life that is fulfilling, meaningful and flexible.

Something like that….

Turns out I didn’t really talk too much about the existential crisis in itself… which often trumps all the day to day “What am I going to do with my life” type questions and goes deeper to ask “What even is life, and why was it given to me and what am I really supposed to be doing with it, if there is even such a thing as ‘supposed’ to, and if there’s not, how do I know that to be true — and who the hell am I anyway, and why does it matter or not matter?”

….

Sometimes I wish I could just be a normal person who didn’t even care or who didn’t even wonder.

 

 

I Wonder…

I wonder… are we addicted to feeling sad? scared? worried?
Because it feels too weird being happy.
It feels too weird to let our guard down.
Because letting our guard down, letting our system relax, means danger could be lurking at any corner.

We must be on hyper-vigilance. Looking out for any possible threat.
Interpreting every detail. Staying two-three steps ahead of the game just to be safe.

Can’t let anybody fool me.
Can’t let myself get hurt.
Can’t let them try to pull a fast one on me.
Can’t let myself stay behind on the race.

Are these the kind of thoughts that are keeping us stuck?
Because we are afraid to swim in peace because you never know when a shark is gonna come out from under and just rip your feet apart when you stop looking?

Am I just too scared to let go and truly be happy? Truly start seeing miracles literally unfold right before my eyes?

Is that too crazy?

Is there something actually really beautiful happening right now but I am just too scared, too “real,” too worried to see it?

What would have happened if I actually let go that night? If I actually allowed myself to truly love you? If I wasn’t scared to say yes. If I wasn’t trying to run away. Would I have turned around and seen the light? Because there would have been no better moment in my life.

What If I were to swim without fear. Walk without fear. Dance without fear. Laugh without fear. Speak without fear. Breathe without fear. Play without fear. Simply exist without fear.

What would that look like?
What would that be like?

Be Kind To You

It’s easier to be kind to others than it is to be kind to ourselves.

We say to ourselves, “You’re fat. You’re ugly. You’re stupid.” Things we wouldn’t dare say to someone else. As if others are somehow more worthy.

The way we talk to ourselves is so important to our wellbeing. It ultimately determines how we feel. It becomes so heavy to walk around with an evil critic between our ears constantly tearing us down; reminding us that we’re not good enough and that’s why people walk away; that’s why we never get the promotion.

We learn to pick at ourselves from a very young age. Sometimes we learn it from our parents who scolds us saying “Why can’t you be more like your brother, he always gets A’s?” Or from teachers who call us out in front of the class shouting, “You gotta keep up with the class, Junior!”. Sometimes we learn it from bullies. From grandma who pokes fun of us at thanksgiving dinner with her unfiltered comments, “Mija, you should really hold off on that cake cuz you already got plenty of layers on you, don’t you think?”

We learn it from the media who tells us that beauty is a certain weight, height, shape, color, and lips that are about mango size. We learn it from our boss who overlooks our efforts but promotes lazy Betty who you know you do far more work than she does on any given day.

But where or when we learn to self-hate & self criticize matters much less than what we do about it. What REALLY matters is how we decide we’re going to treat ourselves once we awaken to the fact that we’ve adopted the habit of being our own worst enemy.

See, the world can say whatever bullshit they want – but as long as we don’t take it on board, as long as we don’t adopt the BS for ourselves then we’re Gucci.

What we say to ourselves and what we think about ourselves is the defining factor in how we’re going to feel.

We have to learn to be kind to ourselves. To forgive ourselves. To nurture ourselves. To support ourselves.

We can’t be bullying ourselves and expect to feel good.

We are in our bodies 24/7 for the rest of this life – wouldn’t it be better if we didn’t have to walk around with a critical enemy narrating attacks in our heads all day? Yes! It would be liberating.

Wouldn’t it be so much more fun if it felt like the voice in our head felt like a supportive friend, a loving parent, an encouraging coach, a forgiving partner? Ahhh yes! It would be amazing.

And this is possible.

We can learn to be kind to ourselves.

We can learn to be on our own side. To believe in ourselves. To feel enough. To feel good in our skin. To feel proud of ourselves.

The same way we learned to be an enemy to ourselves through past experiences we can learn to be our own friend.

Practice today. Practice loving kindness to yourself. Practice saying:

“I forgive you. I embrace you. I accept you. You’re not stupid. You’re valuable. You’re so worthy in every way.  There is nothing bad, ugly, or wrong with you. You’re so lovely. You’re so supported. I am here to cheer you. I am here to walk with you and be kind to you.”

Say good things to yourself.

Uninstal the old program that is clouded with bullshit from the past. Install the new version of you. The version that is kind, loving and accepting.

You’re worth it.

 

 

Ramblings…

Ooh, a text message.
Oh. Never mind. It’s just the lyft ride receipt.

Another day in radio silence.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep swiping left and right until maybe someone new comes along. Someone who turns you into just another blurry face in the crowd.

Sometimes I become so detached from my body. Suddenly voices sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown — wah wah wah. Objects are just shapes. Colors penetrate my eyes but I make nothing of them. For a moment I just exist. It’s like I’m a rag doll being tossed around but it doesn’t hurt because I’m disconnected to my body – I’m just watching myself being thrown around – being unraveled by time.

Sometimes I don’t care. About anything. Or anyone.
I see no purpose in life or in anything – especially if it’s true that after all this is just death – the end. No more.

Speaking of death… there’s SO MUCH I have to say on this topic. And a lot of it is contrary to popular opinion. But I don’t care. At one point being gay was contrary to popular opinion – and so were women’s rights – but look at us now.
I’m going to dare to be bold enough to speak up for those of us who just don’t care much for being here. But not right now. Right now I’m tired.
And I just want to write whatever comes to my mind without much effort or thought.
But I think this is where I’ll end it.
Because I’m super exhausted.

And I’ll tell you more about why in the moments to come.

Peace.
Love.

Gnight.

 

Change The Facts

Realizing it is half the battle.

At one point or another you stand before yourself facing the reality you’re currently in. You see that what you’re doing is not working. You notice that the choices  you’ve been making and the habits you’ve formed are not compatible with the version of life you want to experience.

You’ve been saying yes when you mean no.
You’ve been overly nice.
You’ve been giving more than you’ve been receiving.
You’ve been laughing at jokes you don’t even find funny, only to keep the peace and eliminate how awkward it would be if  you were to dare to hurt anyone’s feelings.
You’ve been playing small. Asking what everyone else thinks before asking yourself what you think.
You’ve been scared to voice your opinion. To stand alone if no one else agrees.
You’ve been downplaying your value. Not trusting your own self for fear of getting it wrong, as if it’s possible to get EVERYTHING right ALL THE TIME. 

Coming to realize yourself in your patterns is the first step. Good job. You know now. You’re aware now. 

But here is where it gets tricky.
“What the fuck do I do about this new found knowledge of who I am, who I’ve been, where I am and more important where the heck am I going and who do I need to be to get there?” 

I’ll tell you what you’re gonna have to do. You’re going to look at the FACTS and then you’re going to CHANGE THE FACTS.

Fact is: I say yes when I mean no. New fact is: I say no when I mean no.
Fact is: I am overly nice. New fact is: I’m kind, not stupid.
Fact is: I give more than I receive. New fact is: I’m fair – take it or leave it.
Fact is: I hide what I really feel. New fact is: I tell it like it is.
Fact is: I’m afraid to speak my opinion. New fact is: I speak and stand behind my opinions without fear, even if it means standing alone.
Fact is: I don’t trust myself. New fact is: I trust myself.

See, knowing that there is something about yourself or your life that isn’t quite in resonance is only step one. Without step 2, which is to turn the current facts into new facts by LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY causing a REAL change in both thought and behavior you’re only left with realizations. And simply realizing it is not enough. There needs to be an added element of FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M UPGRADING MY THOUGHTS AND MY BEHAVIORS TO MATCH THE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE I TRULY WANT. 

Will it be easy? Fuck no.
Will there be challenges. Heck yeah. 

But let me tell you dear friend, it is better to fight for the life you do want then to live in defeat stuck in a miserable reality you hate. 

What have you been realizing lately? What are the facts? And tell me, what are the new facts? Get clear on it and get to work. I’ll be fighting for the same over here on my end. Let’s make it happen. 

Victory be upon us.

Grace.

Memories

Sometimes the memory of you surfaces above my subconscious where I tightly stuffed the records of you, double shutting the lid covered in bold red tape I’ve labeled “KEEP OUT.”

I pause —

Everything pauses.

All but blurry images of us that unravel in my mind like a movie.
Stop. Fast forward. Rewind. Repeat.
Slow–motion–play.

The commentary that comes to mind when I think of you is something along the lines of “What the fuck was that? What was the purpose of our worlds colliding? Was I supposed to learn something from this? Why did you appear to bruise me? To scar me?”

I pause in search of the answer —

Silence.

At times in my head I imagine scenarios where some future circumstance magically unites our paths. We’re older now. Different. Molded. Morphed into something new by the experiences that shaped us. The look exchanged in our eyes are more mature. And in this moment it all makes sense. I finally understand. You finally understand. And there is peace.

SPEAK UP

I’ve learned that you can’t expect people to read your mind to know what you’re thinking and feeling.
Sometimes indirect cues can get others to catch on to your intentions, thoughts, and feelings. That, however, doesn’t always work and sometimes you just have to open your mouth and tell it like it is. Don’t go around expecting people to pick up what you’re trying to put out. Because what you’ll find is that often, despite your best efforts, people will have no idea how you really feel because you’re not blatantly saying it.
Unsatisfied with your pay grade?
Don’t pretend to be okay with it. Don’t make indirect gestures. Speak to your boss!
Unhappy in a relationship?
Don’t bottle up your feelings and act like nothing is bothering you. Say something!
Feeling like you need more help?
Don’t hide and hope someone will magically figure it out. Reach out to people and tell them you need help!
Annoyed with your roommate, Steve, who always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and who “accidentally” ate the whole carton of rocky road ice cream you purposely labeled “don’t touch”?
Don’t ignore it and smile like everything is fine and dandy! Speak to that son of a gun and let it be clearly known that you’re actually NOT cool with that typa thang.
We have to start being honest about how we really feel. No going around it. No pretending. No being fake about who we really are and what we really think and feel. No trying to indirectly cue it and hoping for the best. NO. Say that sh*t loud and clear.
When we start vocalizing our truth we receive feedback from the world. And with this feedback, we can then seek to make adjustments that move us in the direction of what we actually want.
When we speak up, we may not get the feedback we want. But we certainly almost never will if we don’t speak up because fun fact: people can’t read our minds. (At least not yet. Who knows what technology will allow us to do. There’s probably aliens out there somewhere connecting minds by touching each other’s penis or something… but that’s neither here nor there. I digress.)
When we speak up we receive data from those we are speaking to that will allow us to move forward in the direction that we want. For instance, when I tell my boss that I’m no longer okay working 70 hours or more per week while doing my job, his job, and the secretary’s job all at once for basically spare change as compensation and he basically laughs at me and says “go f*ck yourself,” that tells me this company is a dead end for me. His response gives me the feedback that if I want more then I must move on!
So if there is something you’ve been quiet about I urge you to SPEAK UP! Tell it like it is.
Be transparent. Open your damn mouth and SPEAK your truth and go in the direction of your desires, you glorious badass.
SPEAK UP!
💜

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