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Reflect Out Loud

"The unexamined life is not worth living." – Socrates

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thoughts

Amazed

I’m amazed that my words are reaching people in several places of the world.

When I was a child I would dream of having my thoughts reach others. I would write messages in paper airplanes and throw them out of the window.

I would sometimes look at the sky and ask “Can you hear me?”

And now, thanks to the internet, it’s become so much easier for us all to communicate. To reach each other with our messages.

I want my messages to be of love and hope. Of peace. Of kindness. Of prosperity. Of joy.

But sometimes I have my angry, depressing, weird, abstract rants – as you’ve probably already seen if you’ve followed me for a while.

But they’re not necessarily a message, it’s just me venting out loud. Ya know, reflecting out loud.

Thank you for reading my words.

For adding meaning to my life.

I am more fulfilled because I can share my story and my journey with you.

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I Don’t Know

The truth is that I don’t know.

Everywhere I look there is someone claiming knowledge.

But what do I know? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

There is so much information. And my barely average intellect can’t even begin to comprehend.

And it leaves me frustrated.

To survive in this world I have to submit myself to work. To provide some sort of service in exchange for credits (a.k.a money, a.k.a physical representation of energy exchange) that I can then use as leverage to obtain other goods and services.

I’m over it. I really don’t fucking care. Why do I have to participate?

I hope the atheists are right – that when you die nothing happens. Because FUCK having to do more stuff after all the stuff I’ve already done.

I don’t want to deal with reincarnation and all other kinds of bullshit. I don’t want to fucking participate in this charade of existence.

It’s nonsense and I don’t care.

Or maybe I do care.

I don’t know.

I just get into these spaces sometimes. These spaces where I really just don’t give a fuck. And then there’s this part of me that feels bad for confessing this because some of you will judge me saying “How could you say such a thing? Life is precious. Don’t be selfish. Don’t think like this. Don’t be negative.”

FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

Let me have my thoughts — you go ahead and have yours.

No. I don’t always think like this. But sometimes I do. And I don’t think it’s bad that I do. I actually at times really do think that not existing is better than existing.

If I didn’t exist I wouldn’t even have to think about whether or not existence or non-existence is better – I WOULDN’T EXIST SO IT WOULDN’T FUCKING MATTER — isn’t that blissful?!

I think it’s fucking blissful.

All this bullshit about good, bad, ugly, beautiful, existence, non-existence, is all a matter of discussion for those who exist and have some kind of a brain to ponder and reflect upon existence. But honestly, I could do without it. And I don’t care if that sounds negative to you.

I mean… suppose there really is some grand fucking purpose to life and it’s some beautiful ass fucking shit… cool? Then what? I don’t get it.

I enjoy the black screen. Those nights when I’m asleep and it feels as If I don’t even exist. I don’t see a need to come back to this bullshit and do things and talk to people and play fucking pretend.

There’s a part of me who feels she needs to apologize for saying the above. But not because I really feel bad for saying it, but because I feel bad for being judged for saying it.

These are my thoughts, though. And why should I hide them?

I don’t really know what the point of this post is. Which I guess brings it all back full circle.

I don’t know why I’m here. I don’t know what the point of all this is. I’m just going along with the system I was born into and trying to do the best with the limited knowledge that I have.

I have a lot to be grateful for. Things could have been much worse for me than they are. Things also could have been much better too, on the other hand. But either way I am who I am and I’m doing my best with what I have.

Some days are better than others. Some days it even feels like it all makes sense.

But other days, I just don’t give a fuck.

But honestly, I just don’t know.

I’m having doubts about sharing this – which is something that never really happens since Reflect Out Loud has always been about me sharing my raw thoughts in a more tangible format.

But I’m gonna share it anyway.

Fuck it.

YOLO, I guess…

I don’t know.

Sage

I burned sage for the first time today.
I guess I burn sage now.

I was never really a fan of the smell. 

But I sort of am now.

I want to talk about influences and how powerful they are.

The people we spend time with leave an imprint on us. 

This is fact.

Who are we allowing to influence us? Are the influences leading to positive outcomes or negative?

Am I allowing the wrong people in? Have I been pushing the right people out? 

A lot to think about.

I am in an interesting period right now. A period where things feel like they’re moving really slow but at the same time they’re moving nonetheless.

 I am playing a slow, long strategy game. When I analyze the facts it’s going to take some real COMMITTED ASS FUCKING effort to get my small ass off the ground and into the next level. 

It might mean less socializing for a bit. It might mean less time for adventures. It might mean closing off to others and being more invested in myself. 

I keep asking whether it really does have to be that extreme? Do I really need to make these strict changes? Do I really need to start saying no? To start pulling away? To start being highly frugal and make big sacrifices? 

Sacrifice my comfort. Sacrifice the person I really care for. Sacrifice my energy. Sacrifice my time. 

A lot to think about. 

And now my apartment smells like sage. 

Silly

Sometimes I think how silly we are to take our lives so serious. How we get so caught up in our own dramas. In our own stories.

It all feels so real when we are going through it. We don’t always know how to separate ourselves from our story. From our circumstance.

Every difficulty we overcame in the past is a memory. A memory now was a very real thing then.

I remember one night where I cried so hard for a boy I liked who didn’t want to be with me anymore. When it was happening it was so painful.

Now, looking back, it feels like nothing. I don’t care about him anymore. I don’t even think about him. It’s just a memory.

So, too, will all other painful experiences eventually be. A distant memory.

All the times I’ve taken life so seriously was a waste of a potential easier, less stressful experience.

When I remove myself from my self created emotional wounds I am so much better. So much stronger. So much more in tune with the vibration of trust, peace, connection, ease and flow. Then I realize what a dumbass I’ve been for doubting and getting lost in my own melodrama.

But it’s short lived. Soon enough I’m sucked back into internal chaos. A chaos that at times I feel addicted to. Accustomed to. Familiar with.

Sigh.

How silly I am.

Fall Short

I’m always thinking about how I fall short.

How you’d be better off if I were _____________

fill in the blank.

And I hate it. I hate that in the storm of your potential I find myself less than.

Because I’m so clouded by the bullshit that runs trough my own dark little head.

Another one of those…Wait for it… Free Writes. Bahaha

Hi. It’s me… again…

Talkin’ bout some shit.

Some real shit. My shit. My bullshit.

Sorry for being vulgar. I didn’t mean to disrespect. I’m just letting what comes to my mind out for you to see.

There is so much I want to tell you but I don’t even know where to begin.

I’ll start by telling you what I’m doing.
Well, writing this, obviously. But I’m also listening to Joel Osteen.

Bringing me back. Back to those days where I “knew” Jesus.

And I put “knew” in quotes because I don’t think I ever really knew him like I know now.
Well, not “know” cuz I don’t know shit.

Which brings me to my other point.

Look, I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing here. Why am I here? What’s the point? I don’t get it.

And if I could get it – meaning if it were possible to KNOW – truly KNOW. Would I want to know? Would it make any difference? Then what? What do we do then? Continue watching Netflix like it’s an average fucking day?

What would happen if  I were to shoot myself in the face. Would it matter? Sorry for being dark. I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just saying why does it matter if I live or die? Really? If there is no point then who cares. You’re all gonna die anyway and it’s gonna be nothing and nothing is gonna matter, so why you getting your panties in a knot about me wanting to shoot myself now?

Not that I do want to. Though I’ve thought about it. Just because there are days where I don’t care.

Although I do care.

Most of the times.

Anyway, enough of this dark bullshit.

I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

And also confused as fuck.

I’m trying to do all these big things but it’s hard to know where to start and then I psyche myself out and become overwhelmed.

Then I cry about it. Complain about it. Read about it. Write about it.

Tell myself not to give up. Take it one day at a time.
Ya know, casual pep talk.

I’m trying to tackle the big fucking questions.

I have this crazy theory about God being good and in control of all things but also not in control. It’s this paradox.

I have these crazy thoughts about heaven. And hell. And the devil.

I like the devil. I probably have mentioned this here somewhere before. Or maybe not, I can’t recall.

But not the devil in terms of evil, even though I believe there is a place for everything – including evil.

The devil in terms of the dude who had courage to stand up to God and be like, SUP? I want a piece of this shit. Why we all gotta do what you say? Why can’t I just do my own thing. Why you getting all upset? Why do you wanna hog the whole chair and not let anyone else sit on it? Why are you being greedy for? Why are you trying to send me to some fiery pit just because I don’t agree with you? Why can’t we just get along? Why can’t I do me and you do you? Why it always gotta be your way? I get it. Cool. Your way is sick, bro. You got some amazing things going on here and it’s all beautiful and perfect, but why cant I just go over here and do what I want? What if I don’t want this bullshit? What if  I wanna, I dunno… maybe smoke some weed and fuck bitches? Hahaha, just kidding. I don’t really want to, but maybe I do and if I do why you gotta get all upset about it? We’re all in agreement here. I’m not taking anyone’s will like you’re taking mine. WTF. Is this love? Is this what you call love? This possessive, aggressive shit? And then you got the balls to act like I’m the one who’s trying to take people over and make them do things they don’t really want to? I dunno, man. I dunno. Something’s not quite right about this. You want to fight about it and create this whole war and act like I’m the bad guy when all I ever asked was just to be free. To be free to be me. To be free to be you, with you, I dunno, whatever. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I’m getting so confused. But I really don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want to be hurt either. I don’t wanna hurt people and places and things. I would rather not even exist. I didn’t ask to be here, did I? When did I ask to be here? Did you make me? You made me right? Don’t you know everything? Aren’t you “GOD.” I’m sorry for disrespecting you by putting your name in quotes and shit, but really, aren’t you supposed to know EVERYTHING? And if so, didn’t you know that this is who I’d be? And if so why are you trippin’? You fucking made me this way. Why? So you could throw me into some fiery pit? Ain’t that some fucked up shit? It is if you ask me. But what do I know? I’m just some evil mother fucker for having an opinion, I guess. Look. I just want this fight to be over so we could all be at peace and I could just go on about my business and like not give a fuck.
Or I dunno. I don’t know the point of all this. I’m tired. Yeah I wanna have fun and see the sun and do things and listen to music, but whatever I could do without it at the end of the day, really. I’m just cool with not existing, honestly. Cuz then it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, really. Not even you. But I want to not exist on my own terms. Which is some crazy thought. So crazy to think about a life without you. Without me. Without anything. But only for me, ya’ll can continue to do whatever ya’ll want. I dunno. Maybe we could have both. Maybe we could have something beautiful. Something beyond belief. Something so beautiful we’re trippin’ out ourselves, like WHAT THE FUCK, dude, this is amazing. Like I can’t even believe it type thing. I dunno. Now I’m just talkin’ shit. Talkin’ out loud. Which is how this whole thing started anyway. Okay. That’s enough. I’m gonna go on about my day and be a fucking human. And do whatever humans do. This human. My human. you.

WHOA.

what the fuck. I dunno what that was.
I mean, I do. Those are my goddam thoughts. Out loud, bitches. For you to see.

For you to hear. For you to do whatever you want with it. I guess. I’m scared. I’m scared something really bad is going to happen to me. And that I can’t avoid it. And that would suck. for me. But I really hope nothing bad happens. Because all I want is love. All I want is peace. All I want is to be happy. And I want that for you too. I would never hurt you. I mean, I probably would because honestly I’m evil and I’m not ashamed when I’m in my ego and really want to destroy everything and everyone including myself. But that’s fucked up. And it’s stupid. And it’s just angry and dumb. And I’m over it. I just know that I would never in my right mind ever want to hurt anyone on purpose for good. Because I wouldn’t want that to be done to me. And sure, it’s selfish to say that I wouldn’t do it to you only because I wouldn’t want it to be done to me. But that’s the truth, man. I don’t want that. And if I don’t want it why would I want that for you? Only if I was some real evil motherfucker who didn’t give a fuck and who just truly didn’t care. And maybe I don’t care. But not to that extent. Not to that level. But, that’s just me though.

Okay. I’m going to end this here because it’s gotten out of control and it’s a sick mess.

But I’ll tell you where it’s coming from.
It’s coming from these roots that were instilled in me at a very young age about good, evil. heaven, hell, right, wrong, bla bla bla. I’m just trying to get to the root of it, heal it, and have a good life. I’m tired of hearing people tell me I’m going to hell. Or that anyone is going to hell. Fuck that. But seriously, guys, I don’t want there to be a hell. That shit’s wack.

okay. bye.

whatever.

I’m going to leave this unedited.

(Minus a few spelling mistake I caught in the original… and this sentence)

Another One Of Those Free Writes

I don’t know what to say… I just know I want to say…something.

I’m sitting here. Feeling blocked. Craving for those juicy moments where I feel OPEN, CONNECTED, INSPIRED.

UGGGGHHHH….

Maybe another glass of wine oughta do it.

I doubt myself SO much. SO DAMN much.
I doubt my intelligence. Always have to double, triple check myself.

I feel like my throat chakra is blocked.

Or maybe I just feel like complaining.

I’m due for my period any day now…

Right now my energy is all over the place. I am annoyed but I’m comfortable. I am sad but I am content.

I know better… I really do.

I’ve been here before… it comes and it goes.

I have work tomorrow but I don’t want to go. There’s a big part of me that wants to call out. But I won’t.

I don’t think.

I’m leaving work soon… starting the path to creating a life I love.
I’m excited. Nervous as fuck.

But it’s all good. I think it’s all going to be just fine.

Manifestation.

I’m creating some BIG things…

And still going through my shit. Naturally.

But I am happy.

But I am also a little sad right now.
It comes and goes.

No words of wisdom for you today.

Just more of my bullshit.

 

Happy

I usually don’t write when I’m happy, (usually).

But the amount of joy I’m feeling right now is too big not to share.

I am so happy it scares me.

It scares me because there’s a doubt that creeps up and says “This is all too good to be true. This isn’t real life. This can’t possibly be real. I can’t possibly be truly happy. Any moment now some disaster is going to come. Something bad is going to happen. I’ll get sick. Or I’ll lose everything. He’ll leave. I’ll be miserable again. Always searching. Always looking but never arriving.”

I don’t want to believe those thoughts. But I also want to be a REALIST. Sickness DOES happen. People do LEAVE/DIE. Things do BREAK/END/CHANGE. Everything is always fucking changing and you can’t hold on to forever. That’s a fucking fact.

No sooner does the most beautiful sunset hypnotize your eyes as you hug the person you love underneath “the electric sky” surrounded by your favorite humans and your favorite music in an instant of perfection are you then back at your fucking desk at work crunching numbers and eventually unraveling to your death.

Does that sound gloomy? I don’t care. It’s fact. And whether we like it or not we gotta face it.

So…

Given the fact that shit’s constantly changing I am trying to prepare myself emotionally and mentally to deal with it so that when shit does hit the fan I’m ready with that pancho, umbrella and quarantine bubble.

 

What does that mean?

It means I’m trying to figure out a way to live life in such a way that I can ENJOY, EMBRACE, SAVOR, LOVE, EXPERIENCE every moment fully but also without the anxiety, fear, and worry that comes from my attachment to form.

I also want to believe that happiness is truly possible for me and that I CAN create a life I love and that I CAN love myself and have a beautiful, smooth, safe LIFE ride despite the bullshit, pain, and challenges that come my way.

With all that being said.

I am happy right now. And I want to see this dream I have in my head come true. And I want to be at peace.

Peace with myself. With you. The universe. and the world.

“To infinity and beyond.”

 

Mad extreme. I know.

Just Because

Not much to report but I felt like writing anyway.

Well, actually…some big changes.

I’m moving apartments.

I’m also getting ready to quit my job and take life in a new direction.

Additionally, giving less fucks about people who are shitty.

Those are my updates in a nutshell.

I’m hoping that 2019 will be a year of success. I’ll be intentionally laying the foundation for it to be so.

But things are still moving at glacier speeds, though moving nonetheless.

Or perhaps they’re moving at just the right speed but my impatient ass wants everything done yesterday.

My self diagnosed high functiong depression persists. But I do everything I can to kick it to the curb along with its ugly cousin anxiety.

I’m fine. For the most part… minus the occasional wave of depression mixed with a sprinkle of panic that smacks me in the face literally outta nowhere.

Ouch.

And then there are days when I’m genuinely feeling excellent. Chipper as can be. Especially when the sun kisses my skin and I’m free to design my day as I please. Ahhh, yes. More please!

I have a great feeling about this summer.

I’m going to immerse myself in plenty of activities. I’m also cutting down doing work that I don’t enjoy for money and focusing on what I do enjoy.

I acknowledge that moods are transient. Sometimes you just feel like shit and that’s fine.

I just gotta trust that everything will be okay. And I do. Despite the times doubt creeps in like a light flickered in the distance.

Then I shrug that shit off and keep it moving.

Faith. Hope. Ease. Flow.

Those are words I want to focus deeply on as my year unfolds.

 

Namaste 🙏🏼

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