my heart is broken in a trillion pieces. I’m standing over the devastating mess wondering if I’ll ever manage to put it back together.

What is it all for?

My soul cries and falls down to its knees. “Noooo. Why??”

I’m sad. Angry. Discouraged. Weary.
Questioning do I even want to live?
What’s it all for anyway?

“I don’t want to grow bitter” it says.
“I still want to believe.”

I used to think that life was magical. How could it not be? Look at it. Look at all the intelligence. The leaves. The fruits that grow from the tress. Our intelligent bodies. How marvelous.

Yet despite all this magnificence there is also this destructive, merciless force permeating reality. Earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanic eruptions, death, famine, war, pollution, fights, envy, politics, profit over people, hate, jealousy, deterioration, sickness, a lion gunning for the throat of the gazelle, chaos.

It’s a lot.

I don’t know what to make of it anymore. It’s like no matter what I do the outcome is just I’m going to age and die and so will you and everyone else. I don’t even want to share this because it sounds so negative. Because I could, instead, believe we end up figuring out how to preserve life, create peace and more harmony. But I don’t know – I’m disillusioned. Saddened that perhaps there is no God. That all the magic I believed in isn’t real. There is just this — this f%#23d up world with no happy endings.

I kept waiting for God. Waiting that he would show up and save the day. Now, my faith is crushed. My soul is lost. My heart so broken its become dust particles. I’m so deeply saddened.

But even still… a little tiny part of me insists “Don’t give up. You gotta believe. Please believe.”

Don’t let me grow bitter. < These are the words I wrote in my journal today.

I notice my child like spirit is getting washed away by the passage of time. My face less bright. My mouth more frowned.

SIGH.

I’ve been taking deep breaths.

“Just enough grace for this moment. Just enough grace for this minute.”

Leaning into trust minute by minute. Giving it all over to the force of time in full surrender when I feel like I can’t bare another minute.

I’m sorry world if I have failed you.
I am sorry for all we are going through.