I typed a text but never sent it. I stared at the four words I had written then deleted them, locked my phone and tossed it on the bed.

Have you ever wanted to connect with someone but then didn’t? Because you didn’t want to feel needy? You didn’t want to show you care and be embarrassed?

What nonsense.

A part of me wants to live wild and free. Take the risks. Send the texts. Sell my belongings and just hit the road without a plan. LIVE, ya know? Really live.

And the other part is cautious. Playing it safe. Writing and deleting the text.

This part is holding me back. It’s making my life stiff and presentable so I don’t do anything too risky and mess it all up for good.

—

This year has been so deep and profound. Juicy. Sad. Magical. Too real.

My heart aches and it sings.
I bleed and I dance.
I cry and I grin.

—

Rewind to February 2025 for a moment.
Dang this month scarred me for life.


And every month I’m reminded of it.
—

I suppose that’s what happens. Life keeps shapin’ ya. Changin’ ya. Moldin’ ya. Twistin’ ya. Teachin’ ya. Breakin’ ya and then buildin’ ya up again.

Gahh, I feel it all too deep. So much so I caught myself researching Zoloft.

I don’t know. A part of me loves that I can feel it all and be so deeply FULL SPECTRUM in my experience. It’s fantastic but also incredibly WILD.

Maybe life would be simpler if I was vanilla instead of a rainbow.

I don’t know.

—

I did another life audit today. This is when I sit with my budget, my life goals and vision to determine if I am on track. Am I creating that which I say I want? I assess my numbers. I assess housing prices. I assess land prices. I assess travel plans. I assess the work I’m doing. I assess my actions.

I’ve accomplished many goals, but I am still scratching the surface.


There is this massive power within me I wish to unleash. I feel suppressed. Like the levels of my highest potential haven’t been hit yet. That makes sense though. We’re all on a journey and I just need to calm down, be patient and enjoy the process.

It’s weird though because we’re not guaranteed tomorrow.

But I hope I get to the climax of my experience – and I hope to preserve it for as long as I can.