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reflectoutloud

About me pages always make my mind go blank, which is ironic because there's really so much to say. I guess what stumps me is where do I start? Here are the basics: They named me Laura. They, meaning my parents, who were never married but mingled in 1988 in the country of Brazil, where little me was born. I grew up in New York City among a melting pot of cultures, smells, and hustle. I've learned to be a go-getter, thinker, intuitive, lover of life, peace maker, and coffee enthusiast - among other things. I like to write. I've been keeping a journal since my early teenage years. I created Reflect Out Loud to simply share whatever is on my mind in whatever style that comes up for me. I try to let whatever I put out here be free flowing. I simply want to share my thoughts out in the open. But to simplify this about me: I am a human, having a human experience. I have a story, just like you have a story. And some of that story you'll see here. Um... I guess that's pretty much all I have for now. Big love, Laura

Control

You don’t control if someone loves you

You don’t control if someone stays

I know the tendency is to be hyper vigilant
To want to monitor
To want to be on the lookout for if the person is going to slip, cheat, hide something, lie, do something you wouldn’t want them to do

but is that how you want to live?
If someone is going to do something they want to do, your vigilance isn’t going to make it stop

it’s better to talk about it, in a healthy way
to ask direct questions

To share openly and honestly

to acknowledge that nothing and no one is yours

nothing and no one belongs to you

you are borrowing everything and everything in this life is temporary

you get to experience things and people and events temporarily

everything is slipping away from you each second

and eventually you die

that is what happens

you and this person you’re obsessed with are both going to die

and so will everyone you love and care about

and so will your pets

Everything will pass away eventually

so… what’s the point of freaking out about something that is inevitably going to end anyway?

I don’t mean to get all dark on you

it’s just a reality

We don’t talk about these things but unless you can transfer your consciousness to a robot body or if there is an after life (which who really knows what that’s really like), you will die and all things will change and pass away — right or wrong?

All this is to say… ALLOW what IS to be

Learn to detach and let go when it’s time

Enjoy things and life while you can, as often as you can, for as long as you can

Deal with things with more grace

Hold yourself with more composure

which isn’t to say it isn’t painful

it’s painful if your significant other cheats, lies, flirts with someone else

it’s painful when people pass away

it’s painful when we lose what we love

honor the pain

cry, journal about it, get therapy, feel the hormones course through your body sending uncomfortable signals all through your system — stomach clench, heart race, rage, sadness, powerlessness, ego punched in the face

life sometimes is also like this — merciless, dark, painful, void

But it’s also full of beauty, forgiveness, rebirth, understanding, revival — love.

You gotta take the good with the bad

and realize you don’t always have control

yes sometimes you are powerless and life will bring you to your knees — but not always

Sometimes we just have to surrender

surrender to what IS

We can’t argue with what is and trying to control it and force it to be different isn’t going to change it

you can always talk about it — you can always try

try to make the best of it, try to find the best way forward

but if something isn’t

then — it isn’t

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Matter

I’m getting ready for a move which has me cleaning out closets, old papers, old boxes

Downsizing even further
Letting go of old clothes
Yet still holding on to old stuff I can’t seem to let go of (letters, journals, photos, a bunch of cables with different random plugs maybe someday I’ll need. You know, the type of stuff you keep in the junk box).

And then there is all this paper of stuff that used to matter but no longer matter

the stuff that once was soooo important but now it‘s going in the trash

and that’s the crazy thing about life

The important eventually becomes unimportant.

We stress so much over life but eventually none of it will matter

which isn’t to say become apathetic about it, but just notice where you’re overly stressing

Live with less self imposed pressure

enjoy life without overly stressing

find more grace in the journey

-breathe-

sigh

anyway…

I feel like I’m changing

in ways I can’t even yet understand
I’m excited and ready for the change

like I’m ready to be this damn butterfly I’ve been waiting to be

but at the same time it still feels like I have some ways to go

some learning to do

so let me take a page from my own book and learn to trust the process

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Slippin’

Today I’ve been reflecting on the passage of time.

How time just keeps on slippin’

Tick tock tick tock

and pretty soon we have to let go…

~.~

I’ve been pet sitting as a side hustle
and I had a dog with me for the last 5 days who I grew to really care for
He was so sweet, obedient, and loving.

During our last hour together I kept looking at him and I felt sadness in my heart.
As we played tug of war all I could think of is that in less than an hour I would be saying good bye

he would go back home to his owner… and that would be it.

The fact I knew that pretty soon I would have to say good bye – boy, it hit me.
Because we can really take for granted the time we’ve been given here on Earth. Our time is limited and each second passing means we are closer to expiration.

We never really know when we will say good bye to the people and things we love most,

it literally could be any moment.

This made me think of the importance of cherishing the good moments of this life and to make it a priority to seek more of the good, because what better else could we be doing with our limited time?

Waste it away in an office working 9-5 doing work we aren’t passionate about? No thanks.

When we realize our time is something we can’t ever get back we start getting picky about it
We won’t just say “yes” to random invitations that serve no good purpose in our lives
We won’t accept getting paid less than we deserve

We won’t waste time doing things that don’t fulfill us

because time is limited
and the sooner we understand that

the sooner we can start valuing and prioritizing what we believe is important

Time is slippin’

tick tock tick tock tick tock….

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Sad

“I’m sad”
This thought follows me around like a shadow

I think it almost every day

It comes in waves – randomly

And you know what – it’s true

because I am sad

I’m sad for all the things that aren’t “right”
Everywhere in the world

I’m sad for the children who suffer
For the parents who don’t know any better
For the hungry
For the poor
For the violence
For the things that go wrong
For the heartbreaks
For the deaths
For the loss
For the sick
For the worker who works so damn hard but STILL can barely get by
For the people who are doing too many drugs because they’re trying to numb the pain
For the wrongs we commit against each other
For the voices that never get heard
For the pain and the suffering that living beings endure
For the mistakes we make
For the times we lie
For the fear and anxiety we experience
For all the bullshit – you name it
Just insert it here _____________ < yes, I’m sad about that too.

And then I’m sad that I can’t do anything about it – I mean I can do something – a little something, but it feels like any little thing I do is so meaningless in the face of the beast of it all

But I don’t wanna be negative and think that my trying has no impact

Look at Martin Luther King — he did something
He stood up for his dream, now look at the ripple of effect of his choice — his choice to believe against the injustice, against the oppression, against the violence and the bullshit

Look at Rosa Parks
Look at the women he fought for our rights and now we get to vote
Look at the people who stood up for peace, for love, for unity, for respect, for communication, for harmony, for health, for that which is GOOD

I don’t know man….

And then I think about my own little life — my own bullshit — the me me me
the I wanna travel and drink my latte on the beach reading a book — LIKE BITCH, there are children dying in Africa and you wanna do WHAT now?

There’s this weight I feel on my shoulder sometime
this desire to help and make a difference
while also feeling so small and limited by my own bullshit

SIGH

SIGH

SIGH

Who am I to even try….
What am I even supposed to do?
What can I even start doing?

I could donate…
I could try to be kind in my community and hope that it ripples
I could try to educate….

I hate the word TRY, cuz trying doesn’t sound like actually DOING anything

Anyway, that’s my sad ass rant about the sad ass things in life that make me sad

I’m also grateful and hopeful
and do believe that a little goes a long way
and that together we can make a difference
we can heal, and figure this shit out

because how the fuck are we okay with hurting one another rather than helping and elevating each other?

Life on Earth can be so amazing if we stop with the bullshit, mature the F up and collaborate…

but God, that even sounds like a defeating task — especially when we consider how different everyone and everything really is on a global scale — But SO MUCH is already WORKING that we have to have faith that we CAN find harmony and we can improve the systems and life on Earth so we can reduce the bullshit and the suffering

and then we can be less sad

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Magic?

Like

where is the magic?? Really.

I’m waiting for it.
I’m praying for it.
I’m hoping for it.

I’m waiting for that moment where it all comes together

Where I wake up and this whole experience of being limited, stuck in a body, stuck in a place, stuck in this “life” was just a dream

because in reality we are magic

it’s all magic

there is no barrier

no limitation

Everything just flows

It’s all easy

It all makes sense

but are we really just animals that evolved over time due to a big bang that generated all that we see today?

Is there something actually and truly really special here orrrr are we just a bunch of meaningless specs of dirt that pass away with time — and then it all ends? This is your one and only opportunity to live?

I don’t know either way

but my hope is that at the end of the day it’s all beautiful

it’s all good

….

I want to see the magic

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Voice

I’m trying to find my voice but it escapes me

I feel the most free when I’m here

because in this space I let it rip

I just say it as it comes

I just say it as it is for me

in other places I have to tip toe

I have to get it “right”

make sure I don’t step on any toes or say something that offends someone

or say something that is ignorant

Or say something that doesn’t land well

or say something that is wrong

or or or or or ________.

Today I heard TD Jakes talk about a creative whose ideas can’t come through— he called it being constipated— creatively constipated.

That’s how I feel sometimes. Like there’s just so much I wish to give and share but am literally held back.

By what?

By my own paralysis

by my judgment

because I’m not doing it like this other person

or saying it like this other person and therefore it’s probably not good and therefore no one will care and therefore I won’t get anywhere— so why bother?

It’s literally so annoying

I annoy myself with my own thoughts and lack of action sometimes

but I also want to give myself Grace for trying

because it takes courage to speak up

it takes courage to use your voice.

I just hope I can find mine

and I hope it makes you proud.

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Normal

I wish I was normal

That I didn’t think so deep or care so much or feel paralyzed at times by the weight of it all

Grappling with my limitations and feeling incapable of resolving it all

I wish I could just take selfies on the beach and not care that we consume so much plastic that it impacts our oceans
That there are people who are hungry
That there is so much lack of knowledge among people still

When I think about it all I just wanna run away and hide
Where do I even start?

It can be so overwhelmimg

If I can at least solve one major problem that would be great

I guess I’ll start small

and this is what I’ve been reflecting deeply on

What the fuck am I doing with my time and my life?

I sometimes don’t even see the point of it
But if there was one purpose I think makes most sense is that the best thing we can do with our time is to make the best of it

and I don’t mean the best of it in the sense of just getting by trying to make the best of shitty things, I mean truly put our efforts to make this the best world it can possibly fucking be

Because why not make something amazing? Something beautiful. Something we can all look at and just say Wow. WOW. We’re all truly happy and grateful that we are here and that we have chosen to put our efforts to design a wonderful world.

This is our BEST because we are giving our best to this world. Even if your best is shitty, at least fucking try. It adds up when we all pull our weight and do our part to make this a better world for all the life it holds.

Hmm…what a wonderful world

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Love

Love is an incredible drug

Once I have it I’m so afraid to lose it

and if I give it, sometimes I fear it’ll be rejected

so at times I withhold it… because if I admit I love you, really love you, then I am vulnerable. I’ve given my power away.

You love me now, but will you love me tomorrow?

I think about how time takes everything away… and eventually we say good bye to everything in this material world

Everything is borrowed. Temporary. Here and then not here.

Ain’t that some shit?

But that’s also a very limiting perspective of what the possibilities really are. So don’t let my cynicism bring you down.

Have you ever watched the movie, “What dreams may come”?

Perhaps life is more romantic than I think it is.
Perhaps it’s more magical than I allow it to be.
Perhaps it’s more beautiful than the jaded part of me allows me to see.

Anyway…

I don’t wanna be cynical and negative
and keep complaining to you like I always do

But I wanted to vent a little bit…

Other things I’ve been reflecting on:
“We’re all walking each other home” a quote I’m heavily resonating with.

We need to get our shit together.
The “they” and “them” we keep waiting to do something about our problems is me and you.

It’s up to us to stir this ship in the direction we wish it to go.

Older generations dying off – and we are the leaders of today’s world.

We are the doctors, the teachers, the janitors, the law makers, the jail keepers, the deli clerk, the guy in the corner asking for a dollar — it’s us. This is it and this is us. This is our planet in the condition that it’s in. Thank you for all you do.

Thank you for the roads, they get us to and from places.
Thank you for the food you planted: we can just easily choose them in our abundant markets. Thank you for the water in my pipes. Thank you for pizza. For electricity. For my iPhone. For the music you make.

You’re all incredible.

Room for improvement? Yes. Complaining isn’t enough. We have to DO something about it. Taking accountability and with loving kindness, compassion, order, justice and with virtue construct what we wish to see.

Ego, tame it.

I’m sorry goes a long way. Be willing to accept you’re not perfect either. Be willing to take accountability for your side and part of the equation. We’re all human and make mistakes. Forgive. Heal. Let go. Move on. Restore.

What’s the point of creating suffering for each other? It’s much better if we’re having fun. If we’re healthy. If we are using our brain power for good. To have an awesome and lovely party here on our beautiful planet Earth. Walking each other through the days that unfold.

Be kind

Have patience

Plant good seeds

Let’s take care of each other

——

also,

I think I’m in love.

And I’m excited and scared all at the same time

but what I really want most is to trust

trust the process

trust life

and maybe to believe in God again

a good God

One that truly cares about all and is for all, even the naughty ones in the bunch – without judgement

just love

Pure love

——

oh,

I think I also want a baby. Lol

absurd! I never thought I’d say that

but first, I’m more focused on building security

and finding myself, my voice, and be more ingrained and aligned in my work.

Maybe I’ll adopt.

but honestly who knows… I can die tomorrow for all I know (here’s my cynicism again 😩). I can be so dark sometimes but also so light — it’s annoying to hold both these energies. Can’t I just be normal? Can’t I just be a normal person who doesn’t think so much and feel so much? Is that what normal even is?

ok I’m done

If you’re reading this, wow

you’re the real MVP

I’ve always dreamt of having people read my words 🥹

you’re a dream come true

thank you

I love you

^ I don’t even know you, how can I say I love you

I don’t know, I think I just do


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Laundry

Every now and then I think of you

like today when I got a whiff of the way your laundry smelled

not all laundry smells the same
yours always smelled distinctly good…

Sometimes the memories just pop back up

Your tall ceilings
drinking morning coffee while we sun bathed in your yard
tender moments in the shower
your cool red lamp and the smell of palo santo
the depth of your soul
the width of your mind
playing music in your office room
playing cards
your laugh that didn’t happen all that easily so when it did it was extra special
exploring consciousness
dropping into the body in ways I hadn’t done before
your exquisite home cooked meals
talented creations & artistry
your amazing dog
and comfortable, lux sofa.

Sometimes I wonder if you think about me too.
If so, when?

When you’re lonely and wish you hadn’t let me go?
When you’re having so much fun that you’re glad you let me go?
In passing?

Not like it even matters.

I hope you’re happy now


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