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reflectoutloud

About me pages always make my mind go blank, which is ironic because there's really so much to say. I guess what stumps me is where do I start? Here are the basics: They named me Laura. They, meaning my parents, who were never married but mingled in 1988 in the country of Brazil, where little me was born. I grew up in New York City among a melting pot of cultures, smells, and hustle. I've learned to be a go-getter, thinker, intuitive, lover of life, peace maker, and coffee enthusiast - among other things. I like to write. I've been keeping a journal since my early teenage years. I created Reflect Out Loud to simply share whatever is on my mind in whatever style that comes up for me. I try to let whatever I put out here be free flowing. I simply want to share my thoughts out in the open. But to simplify this about me: I am a human, having a human experience. I have a story, just like you have a story. And some of that story you'll see here. Um... I guess that's pretty much all I have for now. Big love, Laura

Fleeting Time

“How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can’t define what I’m after”            -O.A.R

It’s like life keeps making me reasses everything.
Can’t hang on to anything. 
 
Everything is temporary. Nothing actually belongs to me. I can’t hold on to anything. And I lose everything. Nothing lasts forever. And I don’t like it. I don’t like it when things get taken away from me. It hurts. 
I want to hold on to things. People. Places. Things. Statuses. I don’t want to let go. 
 
I’m selfish.
I want things for myself. 
I want things and people and places to fulfill me.
To validate me. 
To be a reminder that I am safe and that I haven’t lost. I want to be reminded that I’m okay. 
And that you’re here. And I’m here.
And that you haven’t left. 
And that I haven’t left.
And that everything is the same.
And that it won’t change. 
And that it’s perfect.
 
But it’s not.
Because everything is stripped away from me.
I work so hard to have it all taken away.
My face becomes wrinkled.
My bones become weak.
Everything breaks.
People walk away. 
They die.
They change.
Things are no longer how they used to be.
The corner deli is gone.
This town looks completely new.
What’s left of what used to be?
What’s left of us?
I miss the days when we would roam the city. 
When we didn’t care about buying houses and wedding rings or proper diets. We just stuffed our faces with bubble gum. We just played on the street throwing our shoes in the air because we thought it was funny. 
 
I miss feeling young.
Now I feel old even though I am young.
 
The realization that my time is shrinking is upon me.
That with each day that passes the end of my life approaches. Which could be at any moment. 
At any moment I can be robbed of everything.
And one day I will be.
Time will come knocking on the door and it will say “Time’s up.” And just like that everything I thought mattered won’t matter anymore. Because I will be gone. 
 
Gone like everything else that’s ever left. 
And like everything else that will soon leave after.
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Random Late Night Thoughts

At any point you have the power to steer your thoughts. So when they start saying negative shit, just steer it the other  way. Reframe it.

It feels better to think better, even if it seems like a delusion to choose the better thought.
Do I have all the facts? No.
So might as well live happy if at the end of the day I have no control because I don’t actually know any better.
Who cares?
It’s all fine in the end.
So chill, baby girl.
Chill!
Enjoy the ride.
Don’t get caught up in sad stories.
Fuck that.
It’s time for a revolution 🤘🏼
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Comfortable With Silence

It’s beautiful to stand here in this moment and simply exist with you. 
…
…
Why do we feel like we need to fill space with conversation all the time?
Quiet elevator rides aren’t awkward. They’re an opportunity for us to share a space and just exist without having to say anything.
Why can’t we just be in silence without feeling pressure to have a conversation?
Why can’t we just co-inhabit this space?
Silence isn’t awkward. It’s beautiful. And I don’t mind just sharing this space with you.
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Another one of those free writes

This is a complete raw and unedited version of whatever is on my mind at this moment…

Speaking up for myself and defending my feelings is not something I’m about to apologize for.

Enough.

Enough of your wishy-washy, bullshit attitude I’ve so long stood for and perhaps even enabled every time I smiled and said “it’s fine” when it really wasn’t fine.

But enough on that topic.

Here’s what I’m learning:

No attachment is salvation from suffering. Or at least it helps with the pain of loss.

No one belongs to anyone. No one owns anyone. Or any-THING, for that matter.

No one person can meet all my needs. And I shouldn’t expect anyone, or anything to do so.

What a burden I’ve been putting on the world. Expecting it to fill me.

Now I understand more clearly what they’ve taught me at church – that only “God” can fill me.

And my understanding of this is that it’s not an external thing, achievement, person, event, award, whatever that is going to give me fulfillment – but it’s my own being and my own knowing and connection to life despite it all that will provide a sense of filling.

Also realizing that pain is inevitable and that I should welcome and hold space for it.

Learning to hold space for ALL of me.

The good, the bad and the hideous.

 

Don’t judge these words too harshly. These are the thoughts coming through me which I’m blindly putting on display.

I’ll speak on all this more thoughtfully in a future moment.

 

 

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Do The Damn Thing

Make your suffering count. Pay a price for the life you actually want.


For a long time I have imagined myself as a this great successful person that has helped and touched many lives with inspiring and motivational messages. And then I realized… Oh, I actually have to do something to get to that success. I can’t just sit here on my couch eating McDonald’s expecting Jesus to come down from heaven with a million dollars and a bunch of loving fans for me. I gotta do the damn thing.

And this reality is something pretty scary to face. Whether I fail or succeed is my own doing. I am responsible for my story. I am responsible for what I make of my life. Those chiseled abs I want aren’t just gonna carve themselves. That book I wanna write isn’t just gonna pop into existence. I gotta put in the work. I gotta do the damn thing.

I can fantasize about an abundant, successful career and book but unless I start taking the necessary action and start writing the damn thing it’s never going to come to fruition. It’ll just remain a fantasy.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat here and thought to myself “Oh, I gotta start working on that book.” It’s been over 5 years that I’ve had that thought. And how many pages have I written? 0.

Thoughts and dreams are wonderful things to have. But only actions have actual credibility in the real world.

We have to get honest with ourselves and see what are the actions necessary to create what we want to create and whether or not we are truly willing to put in the sacrifice to make it happen. Even if we are creating something we truly love and are truly passionate about there will still be hard work involved. There will still be a price to pay. There will still be effort and energy to exert. That’s just life.
Even the basic activities in life require energy and effort – like getting out of bed, brushing our teeth, making breakfast, etc…  so why would it be any different when it comes to creating the life and success we know we want to achieve? It’s not different. It’s going to take real effort. It’s going to be painful and really difficult at times – but it’ll be worth it because it’ll bring into existence the results you actually want. So make your suffering count! Suffer for the thing you actually do want and stop suffering for the things you don’t.

*Image credit to pinterest

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Conflicting Parts

I find myself playing tug of war with myself.
There’s a part of me who wants to be this prissy polished person. This is the version I see played out by people whose perfect French manicures rest gently over a Louis Vuitton bag with its smooth surface falling second only to their Kim K level contouring. This is the version of me that the wild hair, no makeup, nature loving part of me scorns at. It’s the part that the badass, black wardrobe, mosh pit loving part of me laughs at.
I am in conflict. What kind of person do I want to be? How do I want to show up in the world? And why?
Do I want to go to the nail salon and dye my hair all the time for the sake of keeping up with the Kardashians? Or do I want to be this free spirit, natural vibe hippie who doesn’t even know what a Kardashian is — “Is that some type of nut?”
Do I want to be a badass rebel with tattoos all over my body, pink hair and careless attitude?
Do I want to be more serious, wearing suits and working a 9-5?
I don’t know. I feel like I resonate to an extent to all of these characters. And that picking just one would be sad. Like I’d be denying myself of the other.
Maybe I can find a healthy balance.
Maybe I can find a way to embrace all the conflicting parts of me instead of forcing myself to pick one character and stick to that and only that. I find myself to be a little of everything. Which sometimes annoys me because it’d be so much easier if I was just one type of person and could ride out that one single identity for the rest of my life.
Ugh.
More on this conflict some other time.
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Focus On You

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Stop worrying about where everyone else is. Just look at you. Look at what you’re doing. Focus on you and your path. Focus on your own story. You are equipped with everything you need in this life. You don’t need to become discouraged by what Jen, Mary, Steve, Sally, Brian, David, or Juanita have that you don’t. Life is abundant. Your faith plus your actions will get you to where you want to be without stressin’ over the fact that Susan got the diamond ring while you’ve got the onion ring. Onion rings are delicious. Don’t fret. And don’t focus on Susan. Focus on you. Zoom in on your own path and on your own journey.

Stop with the joy-killing, spirit stifling, useless type of comparative thinking that says “Oh shit, I’m 30 years old and everyone else my age already has a degree, car, house and partner and I’m over here waking up at 12 P.M. and playing video games all day.”

Instead… empower your beautiful spirit and mind with thoughts that serve you like, “I realize I want to create new goals for myself – not out of pressure to do so because of society’s expectation or because everyone else is following this particular path but because I genuinely want something different. Right now is the perfect time to start. I’m not late or early to my life, I am right on time. I’ve needed everything I’ve experienced up until this point to come to my own conclusion of where I want to be. I know that with the right actions and in time I can accomplish my goals. I know life is abundant and I am fully equipped to achieve the life I seek.”

You are unique and there is only one of you. This big universe organized itself in a way that allowed YOU to manifest into existence. Coincidence or no coincidence — you are here! And you matter. Your story matters. Your unique and beautiful unfolding matters. Don’t get caught up in comparing yourself. Blur out everyone else and what they’re doing and just throw yourself deeply and narrowly into your own magical and amazing story!

 

💜

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Happiness is a Lifestyle

And then it dawned on me… happiness is more than just a feeling, it’s a lifestyle.

If you want to run a marathon, you have to train.
If you want to perform a song, you have to rehearse.
If you want to be physically fit, you have to exercise.
And if you want to be happy, you have to practice.

It is easy to be happy when life’s smooth sailing. When you get the promotion. You get the house. Your health is phenomenal. There is money in the bank and that new stock you just purchased skyrockets beyond belief. When you catch all the shiny green lights underneath a clear blue sky on your merry drive to work. When the bartender buys you an extra shot of whiskey. When your in-laws never make it to the Sunday brunch (just kidding with that one… haha).

But being happy only when unicorns are splashing magical pixie dust on your path is too conditional to yield lifelong sustainable happiness. Life can be a straight up asshole sometimes. This is why if you want to live consistently happy you must practice happiness as a lifestyle and not simply as an emotional response to desirable experiences. Happiness is a tool you can whip out of your pocket especially when circumstances are trying. It’s like that Optimus Prime type Swiss-army knife you’re gonna wanna carry around with you wherever you go. Because what happens when things don’t go exactly as planned? What happens when you don’t get the promotion? When your finances become unstable? When your health is compromised? When you have to change that flat tire in the middle of a snow storm? When the in-laws actually make it to Sunday brunch!?  (Yeah. I went there!).

I’ll tell you what happens. Happiness often gets thrown out the window.  It gets donated to the nearest Goodwill along with those purple suede bell bottom jeans you have no idea what possessed you to buy in the first place! But this is when you need happiness most.

Absurd, right!? Being asked to be happy when situations have gone wrong.

But here is my question: Do you want to be happy or not?
If you answer yes, then two things:
1) You must seriously choose and commit to be happy
2) You must act in alignment to your choice to be happy

CAVEAT: IT WILL NOT BE EASY. Just like it isn’t easy to get those 6 pack abs everyone so desperately wants.

The ease of the challenge will depend on how much a particular undesirable circumstance impacts you. For instance, it’ll be much easier to exercise your happiness muscle when a simple undesirable circumstance, like spilling some coffee on your white shirt occurs, whereas losing your job will require having had quite some practice.

There is more to be said on the subject as it is not as straight forward as I’m describing it to be. There is an entire process that involves processing and accepting your current emotional state before actively choosing happiness as the preferred state of being. I will write another post to clarify in more detail exactly what this process entails. For now, I kind of just want to throw this out there to get some kind of ball rolling.

But essentially, what I have noticed is that if I want to lead a consistently happy life, I have to actively practice happiness as a way of being and not only as a response to my desired experiences. This doesn’t mean I’ll always get it right and it doesn’t mean that it’ll always be easy (and that’s okay), but the more I make happiness a regular habit the more happiness I’ll experience.

*Image credit to google images

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Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

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