Search

Open Search
Tag

thoughts

Ramblings…

Ooh, a text message.
Oh. Never mind. It’s just the lyft ride receipt.

Another day in radio silence.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just keep swiping left and right until maybe someone new comes along. Someone who turns you into just another blurry face in the crowd.

Sometimes I become so detached from my body. Suddenly voices sound like the teacher in Charlie Brown — wah wah wah. Objects are just shapes. Colors penetrate my eyes but I make nothing of them. For a moment I just exist. It’s like I’m a rag doll being tossed around but it doesn’t hurt because I’m disconnected to my body – I’m just watching myself being thrown around – being unraveled by time.

Sometimes I don’t care. About anything. Or anyone.
I see no purpose in life or in anything – especially if it’s true that after all this is just death – the end. No more.

Speaking of death… there’s SO MUCH I have to say on this topic. And a lot of it is contrary to popular opinion. But I don’t care. At one point being gay was contrary to popular opinion – and so were women’s rights – but look at us now.
I’m going to dare to be bold enough to speak up for those of us who just don’t care much for being here. But not right now. Right now I’m tired.
And I just want to write whatever comes to my mind without much effort or thought.
But I think this is where I’ll end it.
Because I’m super exhausted.

And I’ll tell you more about why in the moments to come.

Peace.
Love.

Gnight.

 

0

Change The Facts

Realizing it is half the battle.

At one point or another you stand before yourself facing the reality you’re currently in. You see that what you’re doing is not working. You notice that the choices  you’ve been making and the habits you’ve formed are not compatible with the version of life you want to experience.

You’ve been saying yes when you mean no.
You’ve been overly nice.
You’ve been giving more than you’ve been receiving.
You’ve been laughing at jokes you don’t even find funny, only to keep the peace and eliminate how awkward it would be if  you were to dare to hurt anyone’s feelings.
You’ve been playing small. Asking what everyone else thinks before asking yourself what you think.
You’ve been scared to voice your opinion. To stand alone if no one else agrees.
You’ve been downplaying your value. Not trusting your own self for fear of getting it wrong, as if it’s possible to get EVERYTHING right ALL THE TIME. 

Coming to realize yourself in your patterns is the first step. Good job. You know now. You’re aware now. 

But here is where it gets tricky.
“What the fuck do I do about this new found knowledge of who I am, who I’ve been, where I am and more important where the heck am I going and who do I need to be to get there?” 

I’ll tell you what you’re gonna have to do. You’re going to look at the FACTS and then you’re going to CHANGE THE FACTS.

Fact is: I say yes when I mean no. New fact is: I say no when I mean no.
Fact is: I am overly nice. New fact is: I’m kind, not stupid.
Fact is: I give more than I receive. New fact is: I’m fair – take it or leave it.
Fact is: I hide what I really feel. New fact is: I tell it like it is.
Fact is: I’m afraid to speak my opinion. New fact is: I speak and stand behind my opinions without fear, even if it means standing alone.
Fact is: I don’t trust myself. New fact is: I trust myself.

See, knowing that there is something about yourself or your life that isn’t quite in resonance is only step one. Without step 2, which is to turn the current facts into new facts by LITERALLY and PHYSICALLY causing a REAL change in both thought and behavior you’re only left with realizations. And simply realizing it is not enough. There needs to be an added element of FUCK THIS SHIT, I’M UPGRADING MY THOUGHTS AND MY BEHAVIORS TO MATCH THE EXPERIENCE OF LIFE I TRULY WANT. 

Will it be easy? Fuck no.
Will there be challenges. Heck yeah. 

But let me tell you dear friend, it is better to fight for the life you do want then to live in defeat stuck in a miserable reality you hate. 

What have you been realizing lately? What are the facts? And tell me, what are the new facts? Get clear on it and get to work. I’ll be fighting for the same over here on my end. Let’s make it happen. 

Victory be upon us.

Grace.

❤

0

Memories

Sometimes the memory of you surfaces above my subconscious where I tightly stuffed the records of you, double shutting the lid covered in bold red tape I’ve labeled “KEEP OUT.”

I pause —

Everything pauses.

All but blurry images of us that unravel in my mind like a movie.
Stop. Fast forward. Rewind. Repeat.
Slow–motion–play.

The commentary that comes to mind when I think of you is something along the lines of “What the fuck was that? What was the purpose of our worlds colliding? Was I supposed to learn something from this? Why did you appear to bruise me? To scar me?”

I pause in search of the answer —

Silence.

At times in my head I imagine scenarios where some future circumstance magically unites our paths. We’re older now. Different. Molded. Morphed into something new by the experiences that shaped us. The look exchanged in our eyes are more mature. And in this moment it all makes sense. I finally understand. You finally understand. And there is peace.

0

SPEAK UP

I’ve learned that you can’t expect people to read your mind to know what you’re thinking and feeling.
Sometimes indirect cues can get others to catch on to your intentions, thoughts, and feelings. That, however, doesn’t always work and sometimes you just have to open your mouth and tell it like it is. Don’t go around expecting people to pick up what you’re trying to put out. Because what you’ll find is that often, despite your best efforts, people will have no idea how you really feel because you’re not blatantly saying it.
Unsatisfied with your pay grade?
Don’t pretend to be okay with it. Don’t make indirect gestures. Speak to your boss!
Unhappy in a relationship?
Don’t bottle up your feelings and act like nothing is bothering you. Say something!
Feeling like you need more help?
Don’t hide and hope someone will magically figure it out. Reach out to people and tell them you need help!
Annoyed with your roommate, Steve, who always leaves his dirty dishes in the sink, and who “accidentally” ate the whole carton of rocky road ice cream you purposely labeled “don’t touch”?
Don’t ignore it and smile like everything is fine and dandy! Speak to that son of a gun and let it be clearly known that you’re actually NOT cool with that typa thang.
We have to start being honest about how we really feel. No going around it. No pretending. No being fake about who we really are and what we really think and feel. No trying to indirectly cue it and hoping for the best. NO. Say that sh*t loud and clear.
When we start vocalizing our truth we receive feedback from the world. And with this feedback, we can then seek to make adjustments that move us in the direction of what we actually want.
When we speak up, we may not get the feedback we want. But we certainly almost never will if we don’t speak up because fun fact: people can’t read our minds. (At least not yet. Who knows what technology will allow us to do. There’s probably aliens out there somewhere connecting minds by touching each other’s penis or something… but that’s neither here nor there. I digress.)
When we speak up we receive data from those we are speaking to that will allow us to move forward in the direction that we want. For instance, when I tell my boss that I’m no longer okay working 70 hours or more per week while doing my job, his job, and the secretary’s job all at once for basically spare change as compensation and he basically laughs at me and says “go f*ck yourself,” that tells me this company is a dead end for me. His response gives me the feedback that if I want more then I must move on!
So if there is something you’ve been quiet about I urge you to SPEAK UP! Tell it like it is.
Be transparent. Open your damn mouth and SPEAK your truth and go in the direction of your desires, you glorious badass.
SPEAK UP!
💜
0

What If…

What if…🤔

What if the universe is actually on your side.
What if for once you let go of your fears and believed that you are supported. That you are loved. That people appreciate and want to spend time with you.
What if you just breathe into trust.
What if you turned every negative thought around.
You control the narrative in your head. So what if you told yourself a beautiful, empowering story instead of a sad, debilitating one?
Do you think you’d be happier if you did?
Do you think you could do it?
Try this experiment with me.
Next time choose to believe the best possible thought.
0

8/27/2018 First Morning Thoughts

I just woke up around 11:08 AM. I slept a lot and dreamt a few dreams that right now I vaguely remember. And this below are the first thoughts that came through me upon awakening:

I have my own agenda and I don’t think that’s evil.

I have my own interests and I don’t think that’s bad.

I hold my own space and that is not bad.

I am here too.

I deserve too.

I have rights too.

My needs matter too.

My wants matter too.

And that is not a selfish thing, that is a natural right of being.

It is not selfish to take care of myself. 

It is not selfish to say “Hey, I have needs and I want to take care of them” and not by anyone’s expense but through the natural order of things. 

I belong too.

I matter too. 

My thoughts, my feelings, my opinions matter too. And they don’t have to matter to you, like yours don’t need to matter to me. I’ll respect yours and I ask that you respect mine, and that is all. 

 

 

*image credit to enchantingminds.net

0

No Attachment

I’ve been practicing this new way of being. I am not attaching to my thoughts as often as I used to be, especially not the negative ones.

My mind is usually going on and on about anything and everything. Analyzing, criticizing,  fantasizing all kinds of scenarios, breaking things apart, putting them back together, accessing memories from years back and entertaining ideas about their meanings, projecting myself into the future, rubik’s cubing all the possible scenarios to manipulate outcomes, interpreting external cues and data, attempting to make sense of it all, wondering if I’m being perceived okay and if I fit in or not, worrying about rejection and doom, catastrophizing, rationalizing, compartimentalizing, all over the placealizing, and boy, let me tell you, it’s exhausting!!!

And: #ain’tnobodygotimefordat

I have to LET THIS WAY OF BEING GO!

I don’t live in real time when I live like this. I live in the mind. Lost in a story. Lost in thoughts that are usually negative.

No. No. No. No more!

I want to simply exist. Let whatever thoughts cross my mind but not latch on to them like they’re reality. They’re just thoughts. They are NOT TRUTH.

I don’t have to entertain whatever chatter pops up in my head. Ideas have no power over me unless I start to entertain, accept, attach and believe them. Fuck that noise.

I want to live HERE and PRESENT. Not in some limiting bullshit ass story that is running in my mind.

Nope. Unsubscribe from that party!

——

I’m not yet fully versed in this new way of being yet, though. I’m a newbie at it.

But even as a newbie it’s helping me so much already. I am working on my mental health like I am working on my physical health. My mind is a muscle that I can train just like I can train my body. And I want to train it to serve me, rather than be a servant to it’s loose ramblings.

 

Wish me luck! And good luck to those of you out there practicing the same. You’re a badass and I love you!

❤️

 

1

Focus On You

Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Stop worrying about where everyone else is. Just look at you. Look at what you’re doing. Focus on you and your path. Focus on your own story. You are equipped with everything you need in this life. You don’t need to become discouraged by what Jen, Mary, Steve, Sally, Brian, David, or Juanita have that you don’t. Life is abundant. Your faith plus your actions will get you to where you want to be without stressin’ over the fact that Susan got the diamond ring while you’ve got the onion ring. Onion rings are delicious. Don’t fret. And don’t focus on Susan. Focus on you. Zoom in on your own path and on your own journey.

Stop with the joy-killing, spirit stifling, useless type of comparative thinking that says “Oh shit, I’m 30 years old and everyone else my age already has a degree, car, house and partner and I’m over here waking up at 12 P.M. and playing video games all day.”

Instead… empower your beautiful spirit and mind with thoughts that serve you like, “I realize I want to create new goals for myself – not out of pressure to do so because of society’s expectation or because everyone else is following this particular path but because I genuinely want something different. Right now is the perfect time to start. I’m not late or early to my life, I am right on time. I’ve needed everything I’ve experienced up until this point to come to my own conclusion of where I want to be. I know that with the right actions and in time I can accomplish my goals. I know life is abundant and I am fully equipped to achieve the life I seek.”

You are unique and there is only one of you. This big universe organized itself in a way that allowed YOU to manifest into existence. Coincidence or no coincidence — you are here! And you matter. Your story matters. Your unique and beautiful unfolding matters. Don’t get caught up in comparing yourself. Blur out everyone else and what they’re doing and just throw yourself deeply and narrowly into your own magical and amazing story!

 

💜

0

Changes

It amazes me how quickly things can change.
How a moment ago we were laughing and holding each other only to never speak again. Would it have felt different if I knew it’d be the last time I’d see you?

I am having a hard time coping with parts of my life’s unfolding. My aging face. My thinning hair. My changing body. My desire to be somewhere further along.
I’m having a hard time with loss. Loss of identity. Loss of youth. Loss of health. Loss of people. Loss of possessions. Loss of status.

I know there is only so much I can do externally to keep it all together. I know that I have to learn to gracefully accept what I cannot change and stop resisting what I can’t control. But it sucks. Damn, does it suck. Why can’t things just work and be my way? Why does it have to be so difficult?

Part of my struggle is internal. Because I cannot sit comfortably with the way things are. Because I tell myself a negative story about my external situation and assign a negative meaning to what is happening to me.

I know that if I want to experience lasting inner peace and satisfaction I have to commit to being kind to myself. I must commit to seeing myself as beautiful, worthy, enough, complete, deserving, lovable and ultimately safe regardless of my external situation.

I’ve started to do EFT – an acupressure form of therapy that helps heal emotional wounds created by excessive patterns of negative thinking. I like to watch and follow along to Brad Yate’s videos. I’ll share a link here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6Ua7T01cdY

I am also working to exercise some faith. Faith that even though things may not be completely the way I want them to be right now, that in time, they will be.
Work in progress.
 

 

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑